I got up at 10.00am again.  I should probably feel more pleased with that than I actually am.  I’m not good at praising myself on achievements (I leave that to E.).  I still staggered around the house in a tired, depressed haze for an hour and a half afterwards, trying to wake up, and I went online before getting dressed, which is bad of me.

***

I’m still counting down to Lag B’Omer, when I can shave again and listen to music without feeling guilty, or worrying that my parents can hear (because I still haven’t told them that depressed people can listen to music, because…  I’m not really sure why, actually).  Only about a week left…

What I can’t count down to is the end of lockdown.  It’s beginning to get to me though, even though on the surface it hasn’t changed a whole lot about my life, except getting rid of job-hunting, which I hated anyway.  The deaths on TV seem pretty distant and far away, even though I know people (well, one person, a very close friend of my parents) who was hospitalised with what was probably COVID-19 complications and I know of someone else who died of it (my rabbi mentor’s grandmother, who I met once).

But I’m tired of going out of my way to avoid people when shopping or jogging and I’m tired of worrying about Mum getting COVID-19 with her reduced immune system.  I’m worried about E. being in her apartment by herself indefinitely.   I want to be in the same country as her, which can’t happen until lockdown is lifted in both the UK and the US, probably not for some time afterwards.  And I’m tired of shortages and not feeling like I can pop down the road to buy things, and the atmosphere of death and uncertainty.

***

I tried to work on my novel some more.  I managed just under nine hundred words in one hour and a half.  It’s hard to write when you feel as miserable as I did earlier today.  I want to add more humour to my writing, but I’m not sure how.  I think it needs it.  I’ve got a growing list of things to add in the redrafts, stylistic things as much as plot elements, and I’m not sure how I do that.  I suppose I shouldn’t expect myself to have everything done from the start, but I do anyway.

I did the writing before therapy.  After therapy I was in a much better mood, but I was tired and I didn’t want to overstretch myself by forcing myself to write more.  I’ve moved my appointment from 3.00pm to 4.00pm next week, which will hopefully give me more time to write before therapy and I can crash afterwards if necessary.

***

As mentioned above, I had Skype therapy with a new therapist.  She seemed nice, and asked whether I wanted her to prompt me when I paused for a long time.  Some therapists just let you sit there until you can think of something.  We spoke a bit about my relationship with E. and how it seems a gamble (in the therapist’s words), but also that it seems very positive.  In particular the therapist re-framed things from thinking about the big steps the relationship could lead to (marriage, emigration, being with someone on a different religious level) to focusing on the many smaller, manageable steps that I will have to take to get to that point which will make it easier.

I also cooked dinner (macaroni cheese) and went for a walk for forty-five minutes or so (including popping into the pharmacy to request a repeat prescription), so it was a busy day.  I managed ten minutes of Torah study before therapy.  I would have liked to have done more afterwards, but after attempting to do so for five or ten minutes decided I was too tired.

6 thoughts on “Lockdown Blues

  1. The therapist seems effective and to have already helped somewhat. I’m very, very sick of not having my “normal” life, but even out of lockdown, I fear that normal is a long way off. It’s depressing to contemplate, so I try not to think about it too much.

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  2. I like how your therapist reframed things. When I worry about things down the line like that and wondering if the time I’m putting into trying to befriend people here is wasted, she tells me to focus on those smaller things and says that it’s never time wasted when you’re reaching, learning and growing.

    Oh, on a completely different note, I read one of your blog posts about anxiety during Zoom partially because of wondering if viewers can see your room. I meant to post a comment that I went hunting for library backgrounds to put up during Zoom calls partially for fun and also so they don’t see my boring blinds behind me. If you zoom again, you could try just using a photo provided or find one that will work.

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    1. Yeah, I did think of doing that. I can’t remember why I didn’t in the end, probably because I thought the webcam was broken so there wouldn’t be any need, but that didn’t prevent me worrying about what if it starts working again mid-call.

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