I went to bed late last night.  I did a lot during the day, but then I got an exercise migraine after running and had dinner late, then Skyped E. for quite a long time.  I spent quite a while blogging and then finished watching the first episode of Life on Mars sequel Ashes to Ashes, which I felt shared some flaws with Doctor Who of the same time, but was broadly entertaining.  I got to bed very late and then struggled to get up today.  I was awake at 10am when I could hear my Mum sharing some bad news with Dad about a friend of theirs, but then I must have fallen asleep again as it was suddenly 11am.  I got up, but struggled to get going as usual.  I missed E. a lot.

I didn’t leave that comment on the blog where I was worried I had angered the blogger.  Someone else left a similar comment to what I intended to write, so I left it alone.

I went for a walk and collected my repeat prescription.  I did find myself faffing a bit at home and struggling to get down to work on my novel.  I tried to work at it for half an hour or so, but mostly felt too tired, both physically and intellectually.  I’m not so depressed in terms of mood; it’s slightly low, but it’s been worse, but I do feel very tired and end-of-week-ey.  I’m a little frustrated, but I did do a lot of writing during the week, so I’m going to try at least not to beat myself up so much about it.

I feel sometimes like my ideal work schedule (if I wasn’t so depressed and was working full days) would be something like 11.00am to 7.00pm each day rather than 9.00am til 5.00pm and also working an Israeli work week, Sunday to Thursday with Fridays for Shabbat (Sabbath) preparation.  I never get much done on Fridays other than Shabbat stuff.  If I do make it as a professional author, I think that is how I would organise my work days and weeks.

***

My shul (synagogue) rabbi got in touch to see how I’m doing and to ask if I still would like to speak on Zoom.  You may recall I was going to speak to him before Pesach (Passover) about my Pesach stress and Mum’s chemo, but then lockdown happened.  I said I would like to speak, although that was mostly out of politeness.  It seemed rude to say, “No, I’m fine now.”  We probably won’t speak for long.

He did say that he hasn’t seen me at the online Zoom shiurim (religious classes) he’s been running in lockdown and I wasn’t sure if he was asking if I was OK or if he wanted to interest me in joining some of the shiurim.  This is the type of interaction that throws me and I don’t really know what’s happening or how to respond, in particular how to say that none of the shiur topics really interested me and that I’ve been focused on my own private Torah study and also on trying to cope with lockdown and Mum being ill and trying to work a bit on my novel.

So far as I can tell, there seem to be two stereotypical lockdown experiences: either really manic struggling to cope or relaxed and having loads of free time.  I’m in between the two, but closer to the manic; I’ve done a lot of housework, cooking and exercise as well as working on my novel and I haven’t had lots of time sitting around downloading plays or Zooming shiurim, although I have booked some London School of Jewish Studies shiurim for the next few weeks now their term is restarting.  I think I prefer LSJS topics to shul ones, to be honest.

4 thoughts on “Another Day

  1. There are people who handle relaxation and lots of free time well, but I’m not one of them and I don’t think you are either. The guilt of not getting anything (or much of anything) accomplished would be depressing. Yet under these circumstances, we are limited as to what kind of interactions and tasks we can do. Right now I would be hiking, planting my annuals and tomatoes, going to the latest films, arranging coffee dates and Happy Hours with friends, and those are mostly out of the picture. I also had planned to substitute teach occasionally at my former high school, but schools are closed here for the rest of the year. Those zoom get togethers aren’t enticing, are they? I’m very social, but they make even me feel awkward.

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