In my rush to get to my Zoom shiur (religious class) last night I forgot to take my medication. I remembered before bed, but it meant that I didn’t feel tired when I went to bed, despite it being late. My default is basically insomnia, and if I fall asleep easily most nights nowadays, it’s because of my medication making me drowsy, something driven home when I forget to take it, to the extent that if I can’t sleep, the first thing I do is check if I took my meds. I did eventually fall asleep after doing my usual insomnia trick of eating porridge as a way of eating warm milk (I don’t like the taste of ‘neat’ milk, and we don’t have hot chocolate), but I had to spend quite a long time in bed wrestling with agitated thoughts first. Not necessarily ‘bad’ thoughts, but agitated ones that I couldn’t stop.
Today was reasonably productive. I spent an hour and three quarters or so working on my novel. Admittedly some of that was procrastination time, but I wrote 500 words and went over my plans for the current chapter and some of the later ones to make them more detailed and coherent so that I’m sure that the plot develops more smoothly and I’m not improvising important details. I am beginning to get worried that this isn’t going to stretch to a full-length novel, at least not on the first draft. Then again, I know I’ve got stuff to go back and add in the second draft, so maybe that’s not such a huge problem.
I worked on my devar Torah (Torah thought) for fifteen minutes and did fifty minutes of Torah study, which is the most I’ve managed to do on a weekday for a while. I went for a half hour walk and was a bit frightened by the fact that more people seemed to be out now that the lockdown restrictions have been loosened a little. I don’t blame them, but I was worried about carrying some kind of infection home to Mum, who has a low immune system at the moment from chemotherapy, and it was difficult to avoid everyone. At one point I was walking in the middle of the road to avoid people on both pavements; even then I think I passed near to some people.
I would have liked to have made my novel writing time up to a round two hours, but I can’t deny that my day was fairly productive. My mood was more variable. It was mostly OK, but every so often I’d hit something that would trigger difficult (depressive, agitated, anxious) thoughts for a bit. The subjects were typical for me: religion (theology and sociology of religion); politics; dating anxieties. I think the thoughts mostly didn’t stay around too long, but I’m not sure how much that was due to me neither fighting nor wallowing in them. I think I did wallow in them a bit, or at least some of them. Well, maybe “wallow” is too harsh, but I wasn’t always able to welcome my thoughts, learn from them and dismiss them. It’s hard to remember how to deal with these thoughts when they hit me. Still, some of the stuff I was thinking of would have upset me all day in the past and that wasn’t the case today. Nor did E. being too busy to Skype for long leave me worrying that she was about to dump me, as it probably would have done in the past.
I guess that was a pretty good day overall, even if that doesn’t make for the most interesting blog post. Even Ashes to Ashes was reasonably good, even if it did rip off Edge of Darkness and have some whopping big plot holes (Gene and Alex get into a top secret military establishment with one forged pass between them; then Ray, Chris and Shaz get in with no ID at all. Riiiiiight. Possibly there was a cut scene somewhere).
My sister came over this morning while I was still asleep and left some stuff on the doorstep for us: cooked meat for Shabbat (Saturday) meals and, more importantly, chocolate rogelach (pastries). I think she feels frustrated that she can’t really help with Mum’s cancer because of lockdown.
Mum asked me why I didn’t applaud the NHS as per usual. The real answer is that I was busy and didn’t want to interrupt what I was doing, but also that it’s beginning to annoy me. As I’ve mentioned before, my experience of the NHS (for mental health) has been so variable and sometimes so awful. It seems disloyal to say that publicly now though. I feel a bit like I’m the first person to stop applauding Stalin and now I’m going to be sent to the gulag as a traitor (I mean in relation to everyone else on the street, not Mum). Then again,