I felt a bit better today, at least once I managed to get up and get going. I did give in to OCD compulsions before I ate breakfast. Once I ate, I felt calmer though. I feel better than I did yesterday at any rate. It’s hard to tell when my thoughts are wonky, because what can I measure them with except other thoughts? Philip K. Dick (one of my favourite authors) said at one point in his quest to discover if he was psychotic or religiously-inspired (or possibly having messages beamed into his head by aliens, or the CIA – all these were possibilities for him) “Either I’ve invented a whole new logic or, ahem, I’m not playing with a full deck.” I feel like that sometimes.
I had early therapy today and then a shiur (religious class) over Zoom in the evening. The timing pretty much made writing out of the question, even if I had felt less depressed. I woke up early, but was depressed and fell asleep again. By the time I managed to get up, get dressed, daven (pray) a bit and have lunch, there was less than an hour until therapy.
I went for a walk after therapy and got freaked out again at the number of people around. I know this is an “You aren’t in traffic, you are traffic” situation and I’m just as much a part of the problem as anyone else. Still, given Mum’s compromised immune system, I’m very afraid of bringing coronavirus in and I wonder if I should start taking my exercise indoors. I know E. hasn’t left her apartment block for two months now. I do think there’s a mental health benefit to going outdoors and I’m reluctant to lose it.
I’m still thinking about religious stuff. Community stuff first:
This is a comment I left on a previous post that I thought worth adding here, as I don’t think I’ve said it in a post before:
I’m still hopeful about finding a Modern Orthodox shul [synagogue] in America if I marry E. Unfortunately, in the UK, most people who go to MO [Modern Orthodox] shuls are not frum [religious] at all. They are just traditional [keep elements of Judaism, but not the entirety of Jewish law], and I find it hard to connect with them. My parents’ shul is MO and is fairly frum as MO shuls go. I used to go there (and do go there sometimes in the week), but it’s a bad fit for so many reasons: too big, too much talking in services, a chazan [cantor] and a choir I can’t stand and, because it’s my parents’ shul, I have no identity of my own there, I’m just my parents’ son.
I didn’t add that that’s the only really local Modern Orthodox shul. There is apparently one the other side of the town, but it would take me ages to walk there and one can’t go by car or public transport on Shabbat (the Sabbath), so everywhere has to be walking distance.
I’ve also been thinking more theological stuff.
I think my understanding of God is quite abstract. To be honest, once you really get involved in Jewish theology or mysticism, God becomes pretty abstract. Richard Dawkins’ “jealous angry God of the Old Testament,” as well as being an ancient antisemitic polemic, isn’t anything that educated Jews ever believed. I’m wary of simplistic statements like, “God is love,” “God is life,” “God is existence,” “God is the Infinite,” “God is the Other,” but any of those would be nearer to what I believe in than The Angry Old Man in the Sky.
At the same time, we’re supposed to believe we can have a personal relationship with God, on some level, and that’s hard when I believe in something so abstract and impersonal even though I don’t think there’s any theological reason preventing it. I just struggle to see it in my life. I also struggle to connect with Someone who has made me suffer so much. Even if I believe it’s for my ultimate good, it’s hard to connect when I’m just afraid that things will get worse “for my own good.” It’s not that I don’t believe good can come of suffering, because I do, I just feel I can’t cope with any more of it.
I also wonder what will happen to the people I care about after death. I don’t really care what happens to me, particularly as Judaism doesn’t believe in eternal damnation and non-existence doesn’t bother me conceptually. Still, I wonder what will happen to my friends and family who aren’t frum or who even are atheists.
Judaism is pretty vague about the afterlife. I won’t go through the theology, from the almost total lack of mention in Tanakh (the Hebrew Bible), to its importance in the Pharisee-Sadducee split, the six (actually seven) questions asked of souls in the afterlife in the Talmud, “All Israel have a share in The World to Come,” “The righteous of the nations have a share in The World to Come,” the Rambam’s Thirteen Principles of Faith, and so on. It’s just that people don’t discuss it much, certainly not compared with Christianity (and possibly also Islam).
Growing up, I got the impression that most people (or most Jews? This was vague) has a share in the Next Work (“go to Heaven” in Christian-speak). The previous rabbi at my shul seemed to think that almost no one has a share in the Next World. Rabbi Lord Sacks got in trouble years ago for saying all religions are sources of valid truth for non-Jews. I worry about friends and family who aren’t so religious, or religious at all. It is hard to know what to believe about something that is so rarely explicitly addressed. Jews don’t really do theology overtly, only disguised in mysticism or Midrash (narrative). We just assume God will sort everything out in the end. Maybe that’s the best approach.
Part of the shiur this evening was about Sefer Vayikra (The Book of Leviticus) being about how to have a personal relationship with God, but I felt that this was not developed so much. It’s something for me to think about though – tzarich iyun (this requires investigation).
I spoke about some of these worries in therapy today. I also spoke about the fact that Judaism teaches that everyone has their own mission and their own expectations of what they can do, but that it can be hard to do that when the community has a “one size fits all” approach and there is a fear of stigma, both from depression and autism and from not fitting in completely with Jewish law. The therapist did say that regarding my relationship with, even if E. and I didn’t have differences about religion and a need to compromise there, there would be other things we needed to compromise about.
Just because I can’t avoid religion at the moment, the next Star Trek: Voyager episode I watched to relax after therapy involved one of the characters having a near-death experience and then deciding that the afterlife is a lie as he didn’t experience it. This might have been more affecting if he had mentioned his religious beliefs at all over the last three and a half years. Star Trek generally assumes that religion is something clever people and cultures grow out of sooner or later.