Sigh. I was trying to write less about disrupted sleep here, but I got woken again at 8.15am by the illegal minyan (prayer meeting) in the garden next door, which now seems to be a fully-fledged, three times a day minyan – basically an open-air shul (synagogue). I decided I was rested enough after seven hours of sleep to get up and get an early start on the day, and was glad they aren’t davening (praying) before 7.00am, as would be normal if people were going out to work. Later this week is the festival of Shavuot (Pentecost), when it is customary to stay up all night studying Torah and pray at first light, so I have worries of being woken at 3.30am. I can’t bring myself to inform on a minyan, however illegal, so I have to put up with it somehow. I don’t want to sleep with my windows shut, because it makes the room stuffy and I worry about waking with a headache.
I will try not to mention the illegal minyan again, as it’s probably not good to make this type of thing well-known (chillul hashem); there’s been enough in the mainstream press about Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) Jews breaking lockdown here, in the US and especially in Israel. But I can’t promise they won’t do something outrageous that I have to offload here.
Getting up early did at least mean that I davened a bit more of Shacharit (Morning Prayers) than usual, and at the proper time for once. I also used some of that time gained to work on my novel, managing about an hour and a half in the morning. Quite a bit of that time went on research, but I wrote 600 words before lunch. Overall I spent nearly two and a half hours on the novel today, despite doing several other things (see below), writing over a thousand words, which was very good. So maybe some good will come of the illegal minyan after all, if it sorts out my disrupted sleep pattern.
I had a Skype call with my rabbi mentor. Unfortunately, it was a short call and I did what I’ve been doing with therapy and have done in the past at depression group, which is just blurt out a huge load of stuff at the start, expressing a lot of thoughts and emotions that I’ve had lately, all in one go, like a tidal wave of anxious/depressive emotion. My rabbi mentor felt that I was doing well at understanding and processing these feelings and thoughts, which is good, and he helped me with one or two specific matters. I do feel a bit strange when I just blurt all this stuff out, though. Slightly embarrassed, and vulnerable and exposed. Exhausted too and even a bit shaken, which I suppose is unsurprising if I’m revealing a lot of private thoughts.
It was Mum’s birthday today. We had a socially distanced tea in the garden with my sister and brother-in-law. They were very nervous about getting close to Mum, so there was good social distancing. It was good to see them again. We’ve had some doorstep conversations, but nothing as long as this since before lockdown. I think it’s getting harder to stick to lockdown; half lockdown is perhaps harder to maintain than full lockdown (that’s somewhat analogous to Jewish law where very difficult things are often psychologically easier to stick to than apparently trivial ones). I know I’ve complained about people bending the rules, but I think Mum would have been really upset if she couldn’t have seen my sister, given that she starts the next bout of chemo tomorrow. I tend to be very rule-abiding (I suspect that people on the autism spectrum tend to be either extremely rule-focused or totally anarchic) and I’m not sure what I would have done if I had been the person who lived outside the family home.
Then we had a more legitimately lockdown-approved Zoom talk with my Israeli family, but I found it draining after a while especially as it was a long call. It left me somewhat peopled out, particularly after the tea with my sister and BIL.
As it was Mum’s birthday, we had takeaway and watched the Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) comedian Ashley Blaker’s latest show, which was posted online for people who paid. Then I went for a walk in the gathering dusk, as I had been sitting all day and needed to stretch my legs. I managed forty-five minutes of Torah study too, although it was a bit of a struggle not to feel bad about not making it up to an hour.
I decided to break my “no screens after 11pm” rule (which is much honoured in the breach anyway) as after such a busy day with so much peopling, I need a passive TV-watching break to avoid burn out tomorrow.
Two things that have left me thoughtful today:
- My rabbi mentor says he enjoys my weekly devar Torah (Torah thought). OK. My uncle said that he enjoys it to and has been forwarding it with some other divrei Torah to his friends from shul (synagogue). I’m not quite sure what I think of that.
- Ashley Blaker told some really rude jokes in his act. Jokes I won’t repeat here because I would blush. This has made me ponder a lot more about what the rules are in the frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) community and who has the impunity to break them, given that he is very frum-looking (beard, dark suit, velvet kippah (skullcap), black hat). It matters to me because I’m writing about sexual violence in my novel, which I feel is an important subject, but I wonder if that will get me a bad reputation (I would do it anyway, I think). Is this one of those cases where if you ask the question, you’ll be told it’s forbidden, but if you have the chutzpah to just do it, you can get away with it? Does the transient nature of a comedy show mean he can get away with more than in a permanent medium like print? Unless people from his shul are in the audience, no one is going to know. Is he assuming that any frum person who gets the sex jokes is going to have to pretend not to understand lest it become clear that they have dirty minds too? Particularly given that part of the routine was about frum people being so naive that there are hilarious double entendres in the frum press apparently unnoticed. Hmm.