Despite feeling very depressed, I did the cataloguing assessment I had to do for a job application. I don’t feel that I did it very well and certainly it took longer than it should have done. It was hard to concentrate and I got up to pace the room with agitation at some points. I experienced a lot of anxiety and agitation doing it. I also struggled with the content. I felt I didn’t understand all of the instructions and I wasn’t sure if that was their fault or mine. I also struggled with the online Library of Congress Subject Headings website. I hadn’t used LCSH for nearly ten years, since I did my librarianship MA, and I think even then I only used the hard copy books, not the online database. I struggled with it.
I’m also experiencing other anxiety. I mentioned yesterday that three books on writing novels that I ordered arrived. Today they were followed by belated copies of the latest Doctor Who Magazine and Jewish Review of Books. I’m feeling overwhelmed by stuff I have to read, and the writing guide books make me wonder how much I’m going to have to edit and redraft my novel.
I still feel very depressed after finishing the cataloguing test. I worked on my devar Torah (Torah thought) for over an hour, but I wasn’t particularly happy with it. I had misunderstood a couple of things and the corrected idea wasn’t as powerful as I had thought at first.
I wanted to work on my novel, exercise or do more substantial Torah study, but didn’t feel well enough and decided the rest of the afternoon would have to be a mental health day.
I’m giving up on doing anything else today. I’m just too depressed to do anything other than vegetate in front of the TV. I’m trying not to feel hopeless and useless, but it’s hard. Doctor Who, from the original run (The Web of Fear), because (a) it hits my autistic special interest comfort zone more than anything else and (b) because I know all the stories inside out, so it doesn’t matter if I lose concentration.