(I don’t like The Rolling Stones much, but Dad was just playing this and it seemed appropriate.)
I feel very depressed today, but quite not as much as yesterday. I still feel alone somehow, even though I know people care about me. I worry about my life, my future, if I even have a future. I just want to withdraw, from everything. I’m still trying to accept and experience my feelings, but it’s hard when they are like this, so strong and overwhelmingly negative with no obvious truths to teach me. I try to focus on E. and on my parents. Maybe I’ve become over-reliant on this blog, and reading other people’s blogs. Maybe it’s no substitute for real-life contact and friendships, not that real-life contact of any kind is easy at the moment. I thought a bit about going cold turkey from blogs (mine and other people’s), but I don’t think I could do it. I’m glad I’ve been in lockdown with my parents; I think we would all have gone crazy if I hadn’t been, particularly given Mum’s chemo.
I’m going to try to recuperate over Shabbat (the Sabbath). Not to worry too much about prayer or Torah study (although it might be helpful to read a few more pages of Sacred Fire), just to read light things and try to relax.
I wrote the above in the early afternoon. After that I managed to engage with the day a bit: I picked up my prescription, went for a walk, did my Shabbat chores, finished my devar Torah (Torah thought) and spent an hour or so working on my novel (only writing 400 words, but doing some research and planning, so pretty good overall) as well as having a quick Skype call with E. I’m not sure how much this engagement was a cause or an effect of my mood picking up in the afternoon i.e. did I do things because I felt better or did I feel better because I did things?