I spent today feeling a mixture of depression and anxiety about myself and the world. Also a lot of loneliness. I feel very lonely lately, despite living with my parents. I feel like I’m going insane and I don’t know why. I feel like I have done everything I “should” do to try to make friends, in person and online, and it never works. We spoke about this a bit in therapy today, that it feels like I try to make friends and fail. Then I get sucked into a downward spiral of self-recrimination, loneliness, social anxiety and depression, which makes it hard to even try to come out of the lonely-depressive spiral.
I thought about 1990s TV science fiction epic Babylon 5 and the questions posed by the series’ two ancient alien races: “Who are you?” (The Vorlon Question) and “What do you want?” (The Shadow Question). I’m vague about who I am. I just have vague impressions: curious, honest, non-judgmental. As for what I want… Money? No. Power? No. Status and fame? No and no. Sex? Closer, but no. Love? Almost. Acceptance? I think that’s it. I tell myself I want to be accepted by other people and beat myself up for not being accepted, when I really needed to accept myself. The problem is that I don’t know how I learn to accept myself. How does one suddenly do that? CBT has not helped here. I don’t feel that I’m a particularly good person.
I feel like I’m drowning in a world that is too complex for me to understand and live in. I can’t bear the news, but I don’t know how I can change things or what to change. People probably think I am part of one problem or another; goodness knows I’m not part of anyone’s solution, let alone having a solution of my own.
Sometimes I get in a situation where I’m counting down the hours from one therapy session to the next, because I want to go back and talk again. In the hope I can find an answer. But it’s time that brings the answers. I’m just whirled around by the currents.