There are some things going on in my life at the moment which I can’t blog about. I just feel bad about a lot of things. Defining “bad” is harder: probably sad, despairing, anxious, frustrated and guilty. I just feel a lot of difficult feelings and it is hard to tease out what each one is.
I’m also still getting upset by the news, different thoughts and feelings, back and forth. Worried that I’m not thinking the ‘right’ thing, that people would be angry with me if they knew what I thought. Feeling that I can want to end racism and police brutality without particularly wanting to “end capitalism” (whatever that would even mean). Wondering why, if Sir Keir Starmer is so opposed to prejudice that he will “take a knee” to oppose racism, that he spent three and a half years on the Labour front bench as the party became a safe haven for antisemites and Holocaust deniers without uttering a word of protest. Then feeling guilty for “making everything Jewish.” There’s more, but I don’t want to go there.
I try to tell myself that “It doesn’t matter what other people think. That’s just their opinion. I’m allowed to have my own opinions,” but still I feel the need to justify everything, argue everything back and forth in my head.
Achievements today: I blogged on my Doctor Who blog for the first time in ages, excluding an advert post for my book. I spent an hour and a half working on my novel, or trying to, amidst difficult thoughts. I went for a half-hour walk and cooked dinner. I guess that’s quite a bit, although it is hard to see it as an achievement.
I went to a half-hour Zoom shiur given by the rabbi of my parents’ shul (synagogue). It was on love of God and how to love God when things are difficult. I’m not sure how helpful it was. The idea was that if we are aware of God’s greatness and His wisdom, that should lead on naturally to love of Him. I struggle with doing that. It should also lead on to thinking that anything bad that happens must really be for the good. I can understand that intellectually, but it’s really hard to internalise when so many things in my life seem so bad, or just so painful. It’s not so much that I can’t accept that bad things might be good or necessary or that a benevolent God wouldn’t put me through them, it’s more that I feel I have nothing left to give any more. I’ve used up all my energy coping with the last thirty-seven (nearly) years. Everything just hurts too much for me to carry on.