Just feeling awful today. It’s hard to do anything. I just want to sleep. Even in my dream last night I felt tired. I want to withdraw from the world, what’s left of it.
Difficult things are happening to me and I’m struggling to process them, particularly without being able to write about them. I may write some private thoughts for myself. I tried to work on my novel, but I was just too depressed and anxious. I feel that I don’t cope well with life.
I also feel like a statistic. Some stuff I’ve been reading lately has been talking about the radicalisation of the middle classes, the expansion of university education leading to too many university graduates fighting over not enough good jobs that genuinely require a degree and not enough (and over-priced) houses. I’m obviously unemployed and living with my parents, but I haven’t become radicalised (or Awoken), perhaps because I find it hard to hold a political opinion without questioning it for long. Regardless of politics, I have a shed-load of other “issues” going on which would make life difficult for me even without the expansion of higher education, the housing crisis, COVID and a million other things.
Will I ever get my life sorted? I don’t know. I feel I need to scale down my understanding of what “sorted” would entail. I had a morbid, but necessary, discussion with my parents the other day about how I would survive financially if they died. The financial side worries me, but so does the practical side, meaning, even if they left me enough money, I worry I would be calling my sister all the time for help with things. I’m probably better at practical things than I give myself credit for, but I do often need help.
Twitter is dangerously tempting at the moment. The desire to find people who can explain and contextualise the world in a way I agree with is strong, even though there aren’t many people I wholly agree with at the moment, and arguments online just prompt more depression and anxiety. The other temptation of Twitter is that it’s short. I don’t have the head to read a 2,000 word essay at the moment, but Tweets are just short lines, so it’s easy to tell myself “Just one more,” but that strength means that they are often just name-calling or virtue signalling, not reasoned debates (although I have seen one or two reasoned debates on threads today).
I just feel confused and frightened by the news at the moment, really. It’s hard to say, “Actually, I think both sides make some good points and some bad points,” when people are trying to drag you to one side or the other or to demonise you for not being on their side. I mean that as a general cultural point, not specifically about Black Lives Matter, cancel culture, riots, capitalism, COVID responses or anything else. It’s hard to have the courage to be independent.