I’m still feeling pretty bad, very depressed and anxious. I feel like my life has unravelled and I don’t know what to do next. I feel like I’ve lost so many people who mattered to me in the last year or two, and a lot of it has been my fault, albeit that I doubt I could have known it beforehand. I suspect autistic difficulties reading people and situations is part of the problem, or maybe that’s just an excuse. It doesn’t help that because there are so few people in my life, they take on disproportionate importance. I don’t think that people whose blogs I read or who comment on my blog should really matter that much to me, but they do, because I have so few friends. I feel withdrawn. I want to hide in my room from the world.
I forced myself to do some things today: fifty minutes or so working on the novel (it felt like crawling over broken glass, but I did get a bit done), just over an hour working on my devar Torah (Torah thought) for the week, a thirty-five minute run. I feel a little bit proud of getting the devar Torah written while I felt so bad, although it was mainly based on one book rather than several as I usually like to do.
I feel like I have tried everything you’re “supposed” to try for depression: therapy, CBT, medication, routine, volunteering, working, exercise, seeking social contacts, involvement in a religious community, creativity… nothing seems to work for very long and most of it doesn’t work at all. It is hard to know what to do. I’m hoping that a firm autism diagnosis will help, but I’m not sure how, and I could be two years away from such a diagnosis. I’ve learnt a lot about myself over the years, but I’m not sure if I’m a better person, or a better Jew, as a result. And self-knowledge is good, but also limited: it won’t buy you food or comfort you when you’re down.
I feel like my one remaining chance in life is to manage to make some kind of a career as a professional writer, which is a big thing to ask of myself with almost no experience of professional writing and a few rejections already. I feel I’ve pretty much failed at librarianship although I’m still looking for work in the sector.
I’m going to try to go easy with myself over the next few days. I’ll try to do some Torah study tonight, but probably not much else. Tomorrow I have my usual Friday pre-Shabbat chores and I told Mum I would clean the oven. I will try to do some work on the novel on Friday and Sunday, but I won’t beat myself up if I don’t manage much. Monday I have therapy and then a Zoom shiur (religious class) in the evening; I’m not planning on doing much else.
I don’t know who is still reading this, if anyone (I think maybe two or three people). I wonder again if I should make it a private blog, but I worry that when I’ve tried that in the past, I ultimately end up stopping writing; it’s hard for me to write without some kind of implicit audience. I’d be tempted to try password-protected posts, but in the past when I’ve tried them my experience is that no one is interested enough to log in, particularly as they don’t usually show up in blog reader feeds. I do feel a bit exposed here at the moment, which is the whole point, in a sense, but also feels a bit dangerous sometimes. I worry that I experience my life by writing about it, which probably isn’t healthy.