Shabbat (the Sabbath) was fairly low-key. My Dad and I didn’t go to our reopened shuls (synagogues) because we were worried about shielding Mum, who has low immunity. We were worried that even with social distancing, the risk of bringing home infection was high. I was upset at missing my Talmud shiur (religious class) and tried to keep up with it at home by guessing how far they were likely to go. This was the first time I had studied Gemarah (the later, more complex part of the Talmud) since the start of lockdown. I went for a walk right after lunch, which meant that I didn’t fall into a deep sleep for hours as I’ve been doing recently after Shabbat lunches. I did still end up in bed at times in the afternoon because I was feeling depressed and wanted to retreat a bit, but I don’t think I slept much, maybe dozed for ten or twenty minutes at most. Hopefully my sleep won’t be so messed up tonight.
I beat my Dad at Scrabble (Mum didn’t feel well enough to play). I thought I got a few good words; I was glad to get rid of both a difficult Z (zen) and a Q (quad). I wasn’t sure if qi is allowed. I think it is, but we don’t have an official Scrabble dictionary and then Dad used the square that I needed to do it – a shame, as it would have been on a triple word score.
The illegal minyan (prayer quorum) next door disappeared, but returned tonight for Ma’ariv (Evening Prayers) just when I thought it was gone for good.
I want to be less negative, but it’s hard to work out how. Just before Shabbat, I wrote a list of negative attitudes that I have. I found six, corresponding fairly obviously to a few CBT unhelpful thinking styles. The problem is working on them. I have tried CBT a few times for depression and self-esteem and it has never worked very well, perhaps because it generally does not work for people autism spectrum (I think there’s an adapted CBT for autistic people).
I think I do find it easier to reframe things than I did in the past, but I still do find it hard, and it still takes me a while to realise I can reframe thoughts. Plus, I do feel that I have had an objectively difficult life since adolescence, which does make it hard to think that things will improve. And “shoulds” are particularly hard to get rid of. Orthodox Judaism is not about possibilities and values, but obligations, precisely defined obligations at that. (If I was Reform, it would be a different issue.) That’s a hard barrier to get around.
Somewhat related: when I see people living (apparently) successful and happy lives, it’s easy to get sucked into thinking that life should be joyous and feel inadequate for not having that type of life. It’s only when I see other people who are suffering that I feel that life is a “vale of soul-making” (as Keats said) and feel that my life is meaningful for enduring mental illness and trying to support others with it.
I feel Western culture tends to put too much emphasis on individualism and not accepting help, and also on economic production as a indicator of worth. It’s hard to feel that I’m worthwhile while unemployed “just” because I try to be kind, supportive and non-judgemental of others. Even when I map out possible futures, the idea of earning money, as a librarian and/or writer comes up, as does marriage and children. I want those things, but they may not be realisable for me. But Western culture says without a job I’m not contributing much, just as Judaism says that without a family, I’m not “really” part of the community.
I have a nagging feeling that there were more thoughts that came up over Shabbat, when I couldn’t write them down, but I can’t remember them, and it’s late and I’m getting tired. Hopefully I will remember them tomorrow, if they really existed.