The world is just so horrible at the moment that I want to steer clear of news and Twitter, but there is some kind of masochistic attraction. I think it’s partly fear of not being informed about something important, even if there isn’t much I can do about it (like COVID), but mostly boredom and procrastination. It’s easy to click on something and read it, and the news is always updating. However, we seem to have abandoned the idea of analysis. It feels like every media or social media outlet is just a list of things or people to hate, mostly things or people I have not heard of and have no opinion on until goaded by the media or social media to come up with one.
Mind you, when I gave in to temptation today, I did read an interesting and possibly career-pertinent Twitter discussion (actual discussion, not argument, rant or invective) about whether literacy standards in children’s books and young adult books have slipped over the last few decades.
Away from the real world, Mum cut my hair. That’s the most noteworthy thing about today. I’m glad not to have to go to the barber, given how anxiety-provoking that can be for me because of autism, social anxiety and tremor.
My novel writing flowed quite nicely today, the way I feel it “should” for a professional writer. I wrote quite a lot, although towards the end I realised I’ll have to re-order the sequence of events in this chapter a bit to make them flow better. I’m also reconsidering the ending of the story, which is a slightly nerve-wracking thing – I’m not entirely sure where I’m going now, when previously I thought I knew.
I went for a walk to pick up my prescription. I wore a mask because I was going to the pharmacist. I still can’t get used to wearing it and I’m dreading when I have to use public transport again. I suspect that they will be around for a long time. Even if the official requirement to wear a mask on public transport is lifted, I am guessing people will still wear them out of caution and a kind of politeness. Who knew that rush hour on the Tube could get more depressing and uncomfortable? Then again, given what happened when lockdown regulations were eased last week, maybe I’m wrong about that. Maybe everyone will just go crazy and mask-free.
I managed quite a bit of Torah study today too, including Tehillim (Psalms) in Hebrew and Mishnah. The Mishnah’s point seemed straightforward, but as usual the commentary made it seem more complicated until I couldn’t understand it all, which is not good. I spent some time thinking about what to write in my devar Torah (Torah thought) for this week. I admit I’m finding it a bit harder than I expected to find something to write about for 500 to 1,000 words each week.
I was feeling quite self-critical last night and this morning. I had an interaction elsewhere on the internet that I felt went badly, which may have been catastrophising. This led me to over-generalise that all my interactions go badly. It’s easy to think that I can’t cope with interacting with people in general. It is true that sometimes I try to say the right thing and fail, but I need to focus on the fact that that does not always happen. It is more correct to say that there are certain types of interaction that I handle badly, but I’m not sure what I can do about that.
Otherwise, my mood was reasonably good today, but I feel like there’s stuff bubbling under the surface that might come up soon and I’m not sure what that’s going to feel like.
I realised that I’m not thinking about E. much. In a weird way, I feel guilty that I’m mostly over the ending of the relationship. I felt like it (the ending of the relationship) should have affected me more. I don’t think it means I didn’t care about her, or that the relationship wasn’t real, just that I realise it was not really possible to save it the way things turned out. I think I also worry more about bad things that might happen before they happen; once they’ve happened, I can generally deal with them. If only I could channel some of that emotional energy back in time to before it happens and stop the worrying in advance.
I am still trying to work out if E. and I could still be friends, if that is sensible or something I want. I definitely lack friends at the moment and would benefit from another one, but I worry about us being sucked into an unending on/off relationship, plus if I do ever end up dating again within the frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) community, having close female friends will probably not go down well.
It’s hard not to endlessly probe at the, “Will I ever be in a lasting relationship?” question, although I wish I didn’t. That’s part of what I mean about agonising over relationships before they’ve started. It is, I suppose, the emotional equivalent of probing a painful tooth. No good can come of it, yet it’s compulsive.