I possibly just wasted £90. I subscribed to full JDate membership. I fiddled around browsing more. I’m not entirely sure there are really enough frum (religious Jewish) or “willing to marry someone frum” people on there. I haven’t messaged anyone yet. Too scared, plus it’s getting to close to Shabbat (the Sabbath) to spend more time on it today. I suppose it will be practise at “speaking” to strangers, if anyone responds to my emails, which, from experience, is not a given.
In Kafka’s parable Before the Law (written as part of The Trial, but also published separately), the man seeking admission to the law is refused admittance by the doorkeeper. He is forced to wait outside for many years, but is never let in. He tries bribing the doorkeeper, who takes the bribes, but still refuses to let him in, stating, “I am only taking it to keep you from thinking you have omitted anything.” Eventually the man dies. With his dying breath, he asks why he has never seen anyone else ask admittance to the law here; the doorkeeper responds that, “No one else could ever be admitted here, since this gate was made only for you. I am now going to shut it.”
I have thought about that parable a lot over the years, with regard to depression and “recovery” as well as dating. I feel I try everything, but it never helps; it just stops me thinking I have omitted anything. Hence, the JDate subscription. Sigh. But I suppose it is “my” door (loneliness, depression, social anxiety and autism), and I can’t really go anywhere else, or expect anyone else to understand it as I understand it the way I do. All I can do is embrace the struggles and the “now.”