Shabbat (the Sabbath) was OK. I slept too much again. I did a bit of Torah study and not much else, not even much secular reading, although I finally started The Islamist, Ed Husain’s book about his experience as an Islamic fundamentalist, and why he finally left radical Islam. It looks interesting, but serious, and I’ve been putting off starting it for several days (or years, if you consider how long it’s been on my shelf, but days since I told myself I would start it).
I was somewhat worried about whether I’ve made a bad idea with JDate. It was a lot of money to subscribe. I think I can cancel my subscription up to Tuesday. I’m not sure whether to do it. I think the money is less a problem than the fact I did something impulsive, and when I do that, I always second-guess myself.
There aren’t many frum (religious Jewish) British people on JDate. Like, really not many. When I browse, I only come up with a few profiles, even if I add in “traditional” Jews. Actually, forget frum, there aren’t many British people on JDate. I guess this is what it means to be a minority of a minority of a minority. Do I feel up to another long-distance relationship? I think there are more frum women on JWed, but that’s a site for people dating-for-marriage and I don’t feel I’m quite there, plus there’s still the limit on British people because of the small size of the Anglo-Jewish community.
Plus, dating-for-dating feels vaguely wrong, as I’ve said before. I feel I should wait until I’m not depressed (which may never happen) or until I have a job or publish my novel (ditto) or until I have my autism assessment (why?) or… I don’t know what. It’s just easy to think of reasons it’s a bad idea.
My parents said to go for it. My Dad says it’s a sign I’m ready to move on with my life. I think it’s more a sign that I’m lonely, and that I periodically do crazy things when I’m lonely. When I was growing up, when I used to procrastinate over something and then make a decision and then question it and start procrastinating again, my Dad said, “Whatever decision you made, it’s the right one.” I think it was a quasi-religious statement about things turning out well (Dad is an optimist, not like me at all in that respect). I just second-guess all my big decisions and then present them as moral failings.
I think some of the fear is that a lot of women on the site have posted very “glamorous” pictures of themselves on JDate, at parties or whatever, all made up, and I find that vaguely scary and off-putting, partly because “glamorous” isn’t really something I’m looking for, partly because I don’t think I could appeal to such a woman. Mind you, my photo on there is of me in my dinner jacket after my sister’s wedding, just because it was a good photo. You wouldn’t know that was one of two or three parties I’ve been to in the last ten years.
I suppose I should try to find something to write to someone on JDate tomorrow, or cancel my subscription.
Off to watch Doctor Who to try to cheer myself up…