Reactive Depression

I struggled to sleep again last night. I was quite tense and anxious. I’d had an anxiety-provoking experience emailing the person I’m messaging on JDate. It was really a misunderstanding, possibly mixed with “pure O” OCD on my part, although I only realised that today. I’m glad we seem to have got through it OK, but I felt very tense last night, perhaps made worse by exhaustion from going for a late 5K run immediately beforehand.

My body wanted to sleep in again this morning, but I made myself get up early (at least by my standards) to go to an autism peer support group. This is not the informal group I went to a few years ago, but a new, more structured and moderated group through a charity, the same organisation that gave me a positive autism screening some time ago. I was quite shy there, although the advantage of an autism-specific group is that there was no pressure to talk. As it was on Zoom, we were able to send messages in text as well as to speak aloud; I wrote a few times and managed to speak up once. I struggle to work out when it is appropriate to speak on group Zoom meetings.

I was quite tired after this support group meeting. Two hours is quite a long time to be on Zoom, fighting social anxiety and talking about somewhat emotional stuff, although it was helpful to know the other people were going through similar struggles; in fact most people in the meeting communicated through chat text, not speaking aloud. I also had to help this afternoon when Mum was unwell (she felt very sick; she feels better now, but missed a meeting with her surgeon as a result). Then my sister and brother-in-law came over for socially distanced pizza before we go into stricter shielding for Mum before her surgery. There was an end of summer feel. It got darker earlier than when we last did this and it was colder with a little rain. We had a good time though. I didn’t feel so anxious afterwards. However, I didn’t have much time today for novel work.

I did manage to go for a walk and spent about fifty minutes working on my novel. It’s a chapter I’m not hugely satisfied with, about an abusive marriage, drawn from research and imagination rather than personal experience and I worry it’s not realistic, particularly the sex, which I suspect is embarrassing, but I feel is necessary (if it wasn’t necessary, it wouldn’t be there, as I don’t believe in writing gratuitous sex – I wanted to show how abusers can manipulate the boundaries of consent without overt violence). At some point I’m going to have to show someone my work, but I’m not sure who or when. I don’t know who could really advise me about abuse sections. I did think of emailing a women’s charity, but somehow it seemed wasting their time when there are people in need.

I felt somewhat depressed and anxious in the evening. I don’t think this contradicts what I said the other day about my problems largely centring on autism these days. I have a lot of stuff going on at the moment that is anxiety-provoking, and prolonged anxiety can produce depression. I’m currently (1) working on a novel, trying to assess how good it is; (2) about to do an exam to get a job; (3) beginning to “talk” to a potential date online; (4) worrying about how to reply to my ex-girlfriend and work out what level of contact I want with her, if any; (5) and helping to care for my mother, who is unwell and undergoing treatment for cancer. All this against the backdrop of COVID and lockdown, and the interminable wait for my autism assessment. So I guess it isn’t surprising I don’t feel brilliant all the time. But I still feel somehow guilty for being depressed and anxious, as if I should be past that by now. I also feel guilty that I’m certain to hurt E., as I think it would be a bad idea for us to get back together, even if we stay friends (and I’m not sure even that staying friends is a good idea). But I do think my depression is now reactive to these external stresses rather than endogenous (from within and occurring regardless of external stresses). Even when I feel like I did today, I’m not sure I would meet the diagnostic level of low mood most of the day most days for fourteen days any more. However, knowing that doesn’t necessarily make the depressive hours/days easier to bear.