I was up a bit earlier than usual today, which was good, although I then wasted time doing the Doctor Who Magazine crossword over breakfast and didn’t get much of an early start on the day.
I don’t know what the situation is with my depression at the moment. I know I’ve gone back and forth on here lately. I think it probably is mostly reactive to other stresses now rather than an ongoing endogenous (internally caused) illness. But maybe not, or not all the time. In any case, if it’s reacting to autism, is that internal or external? The autism is internal, but the stressors and triggers are external (social overload in particular). I do think that if I could reach some point of peace and understanding with my autism, I would feel a lot better, although that would probably involve getting a diagnosis and coming to terms with it, maybe also getting additional support. I do feel that the autism is the primary thing and the depression the secondary thing now, but I’m not sure what I ‘do’ with that information.
I haven’t told the Person I’m Messaging on JDate (PIMOJ) about the autism yet, and I downplayed the depression somewhat. I’m still very scared of rejection. My gut instinct is that she would be OK with it (she was OK with the depression, although, as I say, I downplayed it a bit and put it primarily in the past). She seems a really kind person. But I’m still scared. I’d like to be able to open up a bit more to her, and for her to feel able to open up to me, but I’m not sure we’re there yet. We’ve only been emailing for a couple of weeks. I just asked if she wanted to have a Skype/Zoom chat at some point. I hope that wasn’t too soon. I find the protocols around things like dating difficult to judge.
I worked on the practise data for the job exam again. I struggled to understand why many of my answers are wrong. I feel like I’ve really misunderstood something and I don’t know why or how. I had this in other jobs over the last couple of years and I always put it down to being in a busy, autism-unfriendly, environment. That’s obviously not the case here because I’m working from my room. Have I just become more stupid over time? I do think there are inconsistencies and contradictions in how the system is marking my practise results, so it might not all be my fault.
I went and lay down on my bed partway through, which is usually a sign of being overwhelmed and depressed. In the end I gave up. In the last few days I’d worked on seventeen pieces of practise data, of which I got only two completely correct. I am clearly not going to know this job well enough to pass the exam in the next day and a bit. I do feel bad about giving up, and about my apparent inability to find a job that suits me, as well as what this means for my future (in general and dating).
I spent an hour after that working on my novel, but ended up feeling a bit more anxious about it than I did before too. I know it’s not good enough to be published yet, I just wonder if it ever will be good enough. If I can make it better. All the thoughts of “Am I crazy to think I can write a novel, and a novel of character at that?” I am at least getting an idea in my head of how to go about rewriting, more than just “Read through and change what’s not working.” Rather, a structured plan to adjust plot, change specific points that I’ve identified as weak and then make more general changes to character.
When I think about the novel, I tend to alternate between, “I’m going to win the Booker Prize” and “No agent or editor will touch my work with the proverbial barge-pole.” Today I’m in a barge-pole mood. I feel that I want to talk about depression, autism and abuse in the Orthodox community, topics not widely discussed in the community, but I’m unsure how many people from the community will buy the book, whether it will be assumed to be another Unorthodox-style hatchet job. I think my writing style is OK and the basic plot is OK, but I’m not sure how well-structured I’ve structured it or how realistic my characterisation is. I’ve got books on writing, but I’m worried they’re just going to confuse me and make me second-guess myself. I know that it might take a year or longer to get to stage where I feel comfortable showing what I’ve written to people and that until then I have to just keep going with the rewrites, but it’s hard sometimes.
I watched the Star Trek Voyager episode Good Shepherd where Captain Janeway attempts to help three dysfunctional junior crew members. One has health anxiety; one is a (possibly autistic) loner who prefers to pursue his own intellectual interests than join in with the crew, either socially or in terms of career; and one is just incompetent and out of her depth and makes big mistakes on a daily basis. I don’t have health anxiety, but the other two seemed rather close to home. Of course, this is Voyager, so they go on a heartwarming, if icky, mission and get redeemed, even though we’ll never see them again (actually, I just checked and one of them is seen again). I’m not sure what happens in real life. I had a couple of line managers who nurtured me and probably did, on some level, believe in me. But I shouldn’t need that, and I don’t think I can expect it in most work environments.