I got up just after 9.00am which was good and partially made up for sleeping through so much of Saturday.

Getting dressed, I started wondering why I can’t thrive in the world again. This probably came about from thinking how lucky I am that my parents don’t force me to take any job I can find, even if it’s not suitable. I ended up worrying what will happen when I finally have my autism assessment if they say I’m not really autistic (again)? Worrying that this makes me like, Jessica Krug, the white academic in the news who pretended to be black, just pretending to be autistic for my own reasons (and, incidentally, who else was not at all surprised that the person running away from her real identity is Jewish? There’s definitely a trend for some Jews to defend every minority identity except their own). I tell myself I did pass the preliminary screening, which would indicate that I am on the spectrum, but still I worry, just as I worry that, autism or not, I’m never going to find my niche in life.

OK, catastrophising over! I’m going to try to be positive for the rest of the post!

I had a Skype date with PIMOJ. It went well. The internet connection held (I was worried we would get cut off) and we seemed to connect well personally as well, even despite the fact that chemistry can be hard to see on Skype. She wants to Skype again, so it was positive in that respect. I don’t think either of us turned out to be dramatically different from the image we had presented online (physically or in terms of personality), which is always the big worry with dating websites. I was able to speak quite a bit despite nervousness. It was a short date, as she had other arrangements (the date was arranged at short notice), but she emailed afterwards and said she enjoyed it.

PIMOJ is really positive and upbeat. I worry that I will put her off with my negativity. Granted, I probably appear more negative on this blog than in real life, because I share my worries and fears here that I don’t always share in person. To some extent, I use the blog to vent my negativity. Even so, I would like to be more positive. Maybe this will help me. I think whereas E. had a similar personality to me, but some different values (although we had some similar values too), PIMOJ has more similar values, but a very different personality. I think values are more important than personality, as long as personalities don’t completely clash. I hope that PIMOJ and I will complement each other. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

There is more I’d like to say, but I’m wary of saying too much, too early, which I think has been a problem with previous dates, so I’m going to move on for now.

***

My sister and brother-in-law came over in the late afternoon and had a socially distanced chat in the garden. They wanted to see Mum before her operation, which has been brought forward from this coming Friday to Thursday. It was nice, although I was not expecting it and had made other plans. I was OK about the change in plans though, not always easy for someone on the spectrum.

***

Achievements: a Skype date and socially distanced family meeting made for an intense day in terms of peopling. Mum cut my hair too, which I also tend to feel uncomfortable about (an autistic thing about uncomfortable close contact). An hour and a half or so working on my novel (I’m getting there with the climax, but it still needs work). A half hour walk and an hour of Torah study, partly reading over the Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) prayers, as Rosh Hashanah is not far away now. I’d forgotten how beautiful some of the prayers are.

7 thoughts on “Peopling

  1. I’m wondering if maybe she is more positive/upbeat because she thinks she should be, and is actually less so once she gets to know someone better?

    When i was a very strict Christian, I came across as very positive and upbeat because I was taught that would make me more desirable.

    I guess I’m curious if she feels sincere and authentic, and hopefully she’s also accepting, non judgmental, kind.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thanks for commenting. It’s obviously hard to tell when we don’t know each other so well yet, but she does come across as genuine. I think she really is an upbeat person (some people are!). She seems very accepting and non-judgemental though, which is good.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Very pleased your skype date went well. I think it may be helpful if she is more positive than you are — you may complement each other better that way. Re: the autism diagnosis — do remember that mental health and ASD diagnoses are to some degree subjective and can be frequently wrong for this reason. Unlike most physical conditions there is as yet no blood test or other clinical test which can conclusively prove it one way or another. Plus ASD is a spectrum and where you draw the line on this spectrum is a matter of judgment. I am pretty certain from the way you present that you are on the spectrum and while I really hope they do diagnose this, as I think it will be very helpful to you — if you do not get a positive diagnosis it does not mean you were wrong all along. This cannot be compared to assuming a different race or gender.

    Liked by 1 person

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