Mum’s operation yesterday seems to have gone well, although I don’t know how much she wants me to speak about that, so I won’t say more. Mum was inundated with flowers and cards from well-wishers. I feel bad that I didn’t think to do that, that I never think to do things like that, even though I know that autism makes it unlikely that I ever would think of it (because of lack of cognitive empathy and I think also poor executive function). To be fair, when Mum was first diagnosed (before lockdown), I did buy flowers, although my sister had the same idea, so I can get it right sometimes. And I know I’ve done more to help Mum practically in the last six months than most people, but still, I feel bad.
This last couple of weeks, everything seems to have been going well, but now something has – not stopped the good feelings, but slowed them down. PIMOJ opened up to me about her background and there’s something that may be an obstacle to our relationship. Not something I don’t like about her or feel I can’t accept about her, or her about me, but an external thing that might prevent us moving it on. I need to ask her some questions and talk to my rabbi mentor. I hope we can continue dating. I like her, she isn’t like anyone I’ve ever met before, and I think she likes me, at least on some level. In the past I would have plunged into despair, but at the moment I just feel pensive and cautious, not wanting to be hurt, but not giving up hope either. I guess some of her positivity has already rubbed off on me. I admit I did go back to bed and wrap myself in my duvet for a few minutes to self-soothe, but otherwise was OK.
I’ve been reading some books on writing recently. I’m pleased that I seem to have known a lot of stuff about writing and conformed to it in my first draft without realising it. Sometimes I do feel negative towards my writing though. Today I guess I feel ambivalent. It seems crazy to hope that I can do this for a career or even get published at all. I know, that’s why I’m still looking for a day job. I do have mixed feelings about what I’ve written so far, but I don’t want to show anyone else (E. saw a bit) until I’ve made progress on the second draft.
As a librarian, I’m supposed to dissuade people from the belief that everything you need to know is available online, but sometimes it really is. I had a nightmare last night about the TV series Twin Peaks, David Lynch’s weird mystery/horror hybrid. I’ve never actually seen it, but I was thinking of watching it when I’ve finished Star Trek Voyager (I just started the last season of that). I’ve wanted to watch it for a while, but had held off due to worries that I would find it too scary (I’m not really into horror). The nightmare scared me into thinking maybe just the thought of it was too scary. When I woke up, I searched for “is twin peaks scary” and found a reddit where someone asked just that. He was told it’s weird and disturbing, but not gory or full of sudden scares, which sounds like my type of thing (with the caveat that someone said the third season is gorier and that there are one or two “jump scares,” which I normally don’t like). So, I’ll probably watch start that in a couple of weeks. I need a change from the straightforward nature of most Voyager episodes. It’s been good to watch something so calm, unchallenging and unconnected to reality during lockdown, but I find myself wanting something stranger and more unsettling.