Last night, around ten o’clock, my burnout suddenly lifted and I knew I could raise my mood if I started work on my novel – not reading about how to write better, but actually working on writing. Perhaps inevitably, I didn’t do much late at night. I went over my notes about what to work on in redrafting, printed them off for easy reference and opened a document for the next draft, this time including an epigraph that may or may not stay there as drafting progresses. It was probably too late to really do much. I drifted to Tablet Magazine and skimmed some articles and this time it really was procrastination and not letting my unconscious mind work on things as I said yesterday. Then I started feeling tired and stopped for the night. But I made a start on the next draft, and I made clear to myself that, for my mental health, I need to be writing/redrafting, even if I’m reading about writing technique at the same time.
I feel like nothing happened today, but I did quite a bit. I Skyped my rabbi mentor. We had a good talk and he was lenient about something I thought he wouldn’t be lenient about. Even so, I found myself filled with anxiety in the afternoon, and I wonder if I feel guilty about this. I will talk to my therapist about it tomorrow. I need to tell myself that things are going well, and to stop worrying.
I’m having conflicted political thoughts again. I find that I don’t fit easily into any party these days. When I see political blog posts, I often find myself partly in agreement, partly not and then I wonder what to say, if anything. Usually I find that whatever issue it is is not a hill I particularly want to die on and I let factual inaccuracies, let alone differences of interpretation, go. Sometimes I wonder if I should say something, but I find few people are open to having their minds changed, particularly not by counter-argument (as opposed to coming across something, often a personal narrative, unexpectedly, which sometimes works).
Worse, if someone is arguing, “X, Y and Z are true” and I want to say, “X and Y are true, but Z is not,” there is a fear that people will read that as me saying that “X, Y and Z are all false.” We do not live in a subtle or careful age. Usually I don’t want to be seen as an opponent of X and Y, so I let the falseness of Z go. Still, as a librarian, and as a Jew, I’m supposed to be bound to truth, but it’s hard in this “post-truth” era of “alternative facts,” not to mention divisive politics and conspiracy theories. It does make one long a bit for the era of “The Third Way” and managerial politics, when there were no major ideological divisions between left and right, although there were still plenty of arguments.
Mind you, I just saw something on the BBC News (about the Israel-Emirates peace treaty) that made me want to throw things at the screen, but I’ll suppress my anger here…
I’m not sure that this will mean much to most people here, but my family and I think it’s hilarious that the British government just issued guidelines on how to blow the shofar on Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) and how (not) to have sukkah crawls on Sukkot (Tabernacles). Who knew that Matt Hancock had smikhah (rabbinic ordination)?
Achievements: spoke to my rabbi mentor, spent an hour or so redrafting the first chapter of my novel, cooked dinner, went for a walk. Drafted my devar Torah (Torah thought) for Rosh Hashanah, although I’m not happy with the final paragraph and may change it. Did a little bit of Torah study too, although, as usual not as much as I would like. So I guess it was a busy day.