Sorry, that’s probably the least inspiring post title ever. Assuming anyone is still reading… work really does expand to fill the time available for its completion. I did not get to bed until after 2pm last night. I stayed up late because I was feeling dizzy and light-headed and started eating the wrong foods to deal with that. Despite this, I woke up early this morning (about 7.30am) and as I felt refreshed (for once), I got up.

I spent time during the day working on my presentation for my job interview tomorrow, practising reading it and making a PowerPoint slide to go with it. I’m still nervous about uploading this properly on Microsoft Teams tomorrow. I only made one slide, because I was worried about making things too technical for myself and providing opportunities for things to go wrong. I also helped Dad put up more of the sukkah (temporary dwelling in the garden where we will eat during the festival of Sukkot in a few days), went for a walk and did some Torah study (listening to a shiur (religious class) online as I was too tired to read).

Despite this, I found myself procrastinating, reading political articles online (which I really shouldn’t do as it just upsets me and makes me worry that if I ever get published, I’ll just as soon get cancelled) and just faffing. I suppose I was avoiding working on my presentation. I’m nervous about it, about delivering it, about the interview as a whole. I haven’t had a job interview since last December, and even that wasn’t a “proper” interview. My last one of those was… I’m actually not sure, probably over a year ago.

I’m nervous about being rejected and I’m nervous about getting the job. I haven’t worked since January and even that was pretty ad hoc, I haven’t worked in a formal setting since March 2019. I’m nervous that it’s technically a full-time job and, while they say they are open to considering part-time work or job shares, I worry that would jeopardise my chances of getting the job, but I’m even more nervous of working full-time. And I’m worried about having to tell them I have health issues to explain why I want to work part-time (I won’t say mental health issues) and I’m worried that if they do make me work full-time, I’ll need to ask to leave early on Friday afternoons in the winter to get home for Shabbat. I know all frum Jews in work do this (those who aren’t self-employed or working for frum Jews), but it still scares me. I hate to mark myself out from the crowd.

So, the bottom line is I probably could have done more today than I did, given how early I got up.

I don’t want to beat myself up too much, as I did do a couple of hours’ work on the presentation and a few other things, but I still feel unprepared in some ways and unsure whether I can do the job.

PIMOJ helped me prepare for the interview. She insisted on helping – I wouldn’t have roped her in to help at this early stage of our relationship. She is a very kind person. It was good, as it was only the second time we had Skyped (we have not met in person yet, Love in the Time of COVID), and it was good that there was definitely chemistry there even when talking about the interview. I had been a bit worried that maybe this was going to turn into a platonic friendship, but she sent me some flirty texts afterwards – not rude or anything, but clear that she wasn’t thinking of me as just a friend. Which is also good, but I’ve noticed some sort of guilt around finding a new relationship relatively soon after breaking up with E., a situation which already had guilt of its own. I really feel that I should never have got back with E. after she broke up with me the first time and should have kept our relationship as a friendship, that I was driven by emotions over rationality, but it is what it is (I hate that phrase). It’s just that every time I feel close to PIMOJ, a voice in my head says that I felt like this with E., and see how that turned out, and it’s all my fault. Sigh.

16 thoughts on “Interview Preparation, Mostly

  1. It sounds like you got a lot accomplished, especially compared to my very routine day. I met John (current boyfriend) when I was in the process of breaking up with now ex Henry. It was a hard couple of months for me after that. However, I hadn’t yet accepted the loss of my prior relationship while you were definitely ready to move forward from E. Best of luck with your interview!

    Liked by 3 people

    1. Thanks! I’m ready to move forward from E, but it seems like I’m carrying guilt for feeling able to move on. I can hear her saying, “Did I mean so little to you?” which isn’t true, but I can see why she might think that.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Re: interview – if they ask you why you want to work part time, why not just tell them that you are also a writer? No need to tell them about your health issues at this stage. In fact, if they needed to know anything I would think it would be that you probably have AS. Many employers may see this as an asset depending on the sort of work you are doing. (People with AS are often considered highly intelligent, conscientious, with attention to detail). Good luck with the interview. I hope the fact that you are ambivalent about the job might help you relax a bit in the interview. Think of the outcome as being in God’s hands (which of course it is).

    Liked by 3 people

  3. It sounds like you’ve learned some things from your relationship with E and that you can look back knowing now you would have done things differently. That’s great and PIMOJ sounds sweet. Good luck on your interview!

    Liked by 2 people

  4. Good luck with the interview today! May God lead you…

    Re Pimoj, let God lead you, too, if you can. Either something will come of it, or you’ll have made a new friend…

    Sending strength and hope. You’ve got this…

    Liked by 1 person

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