Last night (well, this morning, really), I dreamt about the friends who cut me off when I mentioned them on my blog in a way that they thought was critical, although that was not my intention. When I woke up, I wondered if my unconscious was telling me that my comments about PIMOJ yesterday could be seen as critical. She is unaware of the blog at the moment, but who knows what could happen in the future. I looked over the post today and was unsure, although the comments I received were positive about my conversation with her (i.e. positive about her as well as the interaction). So now I am confused. I feel I may make yesterday’s post private in a day or two to be on the safe side. My rabbi mentor once encouraged me not to mention anyone else on my blog, but I’m not sure how that’s really possible given that a major part of my struggles involves dealing with a social communication disorder, which means I struggle with interactions and need to write them down to process them, and it can help to have feedback from other people here.

I woke to find that PIMOJ had sent me several long messages continuing our conversation from yesterday. I did worry that this meant that she would reject me, but she also sent me messages saying that she is still here for me… It feels strange… I tend to assume if people disagree with me, that’s it, they will leave me, even though my (adult, as opposed to childhood) experience of that does not always fit entirely with that worldview.

I haven’t done much today other than get ready for Shabbat (the Sabbath). I feel so burnt out. I will try not to mind if I can’t do much Torah study over Shabbat, or if I can’t write my novel tomorrow evening after Shabbat. I feel I just need some recharging alone time with a novel (or classic Doctor Who after Shabbat) or whatever.

12 thoughts on “Fear of Rejection (Mini-Post)

  1. It seems to me that you and PIMOJ do have some differing perceptions in relation to God.

    I don’t see this as at all problematic. The fact that you are both at the same level of frumness augers well for a harmonious relationship.

    Have a restful weekend, and come back recharged.

    Shabbat Shalom !

    Liked by 3 people

  2. She is probably worrying about the same thing. (that you will dump her because her beliefs differ from yours) She sounds like she enjoys exploring the differences between you though. Accepting or at least respecting another’s ideas and philosophies are a vital part of a healthy relationship.

    Liked by 3 people

  3. I didn’t find your comments about her negative at all. And honestly I don’t think you actually disagree really. But that would take a lot of words to explain. 🙂 Shabbat Shalom.

    Liked by 3 people

  4. I don’t think you need to worry. I think your comments about your girlfriend have been positive or neutral and I note you are careful not to write much about her anyway. Plus, she is anonymous. In reality, the only person you frequently castigate is yourself!

    Out of interest, do your parents know about your blog? Would you let them read it? I am imagining not, but maybe you do. I would add that even if the comments are positive, it is sometimes uncomfortable to read about yourself from another’s point of view, which is why even between people who are intimate, private diaries are normally kept private.
    Your blog is not a personal diary – but it is personal. It is such a new media that I am not sure what other people do in situations like this. I expect at some point you will need to decide whether to let your girlfriend know you write this blog – and then whether or not to let her read all of it, or just share certain posts.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. As I said to another commenter, my worry is that I’ve lost friends in the past from comments that I thought were neutral.

      My parents do know about my blog. They don’t read it, but my Mum (and my sister) used to read a more public blog I used to write years ago

      You are write that it is a new medium and hard to judge..

      Like

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