I woke up earlyish, but struggled to get up again and eventually fell asleep again (twice). I don’t think of myself as someone with poor impulse control or a lot of laziness, but getting out of bed, and staying out of bed, is hard and I can’t work out why.

I spent an hour and a quarter working on my novel. I was actually quite focused, first on research, then on writing, but I don’t feel that I got much done in terms of words written on the page. I think I’ve written all I can write for now and need some external feedback. I’m going to try to read through and redraft once more and then hopefully try to find people who can read and respond.

I felt rather anxious this afternoon and I’m not sure why. Some of it was about my novel. Some was probably about my relationship with PIMOJ. I think a lot of it was about work and whether I processed all the cheques properly last week or if someone will write angrily if we ask for payment that has already been made.

I also felt some minor physical discomfort today too. It’s hard to describe, aside from a slightly runny nose (which might be a minor cold), but I guess it’s a kind of tension in my limbs. I wonder if it’s the new haloperidol.

I spoke to my rabbi mentor, which helped with the anxiety a bit. It helped to put into words that I’m trying to accept that some days will be more productive than others, that I won’t always exercise, study Torah or write as much as I would like every day and so on and that it’s about trying to balance these things over a number of days.

Mum cut my hair, and then I was on a Zoom call this evening with my parents and most of my Israeli family. I stuck with it for over an hour, but then I had to leave. I struggle with these meetings. I find it harder to speak than when I’m with people in person, and also harder to be heard when I do speak, plus I find it all very noisy and draining (admittedly my family are rather noisy, and there are a lot of us on these calls).

I feel like I didn’t accomplish much today, although I suppose I did, just not as much as I wanted in terms of writing and exercise. I need to take some time out before bed for TV to decompress from everything that happened today, especially the noisy Zoom call. I feel a bit tense and uncomfortable in general, and vaguely apprehensive about a lot of things that are going to happen in the next few weeks.

13 thoughts on “Vague Apprehensions

  1. I hope the next couple weeks go well! As you said, you won’t get everything done as you (we would all) like to and some days (or parts of the day) will be more productive than others. Focusing on your successes, even if they’re small, is critical.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Don’t beat yourself up over ‘not getting enough writing done’. You did an hour plus of it today! I say this, but I too know the feeling of thinking I didn’t do much. Here’s to finding a way to get over that.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I hate Zoom calls too, especially the stress of having to keep my microphone and camera on at the same time. I feel for you, as trying to talk to extended family members and multiple people observing you can be daunting.

    Liked by 1 person

      1. Lol I am pretty sure if I had been in your shoes, I would’ve used any excuse just to get out of participating in that Zoom call. My mom has had hour long, sometimes two hour long, group calls with some of her extended family. One time it was just my brother talking to an aunt on camera and suddenly he flipped his phone over so she could say hi to me. I almost freaked out at the suddenness of the situation and awkwardly said hello before laughing and saying she could talk to my mom (who was nearby).

        Liked by 1 person

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