I woke up at 4.30am again and this time I couldn’t get back to sleep at all, although as I had gone to bed very early (10.30pm), I had still had about six hours of sleep, which is the absolute minimum I need to function. Despite that, I felt better than I had done all week, both emotionally and physically, and got up very early.
While davening Shacharit (saying Morning Prayers), I started to feel light-headed again, and when I had finished I went back to bed, and apparently feel asleep for three hours (interrupted by my parents briefly saying goodbye on their way to a routine hospital appointment), until I was woken by the cleaner arriving at midday, shortly before my parents. I was rather disorientated and unsure whether they had come back home or not, which confused things further.
As this indicates, I’m still getting hot flushes, light-headedness and tremor (more frequent and severe than my occasional social anxiety tremor) periodically through the day. I’ve gone back to thinking it’s a medication change side-effect, but who really knows at this stage? I feel rather confused and vaguely concerned.
***
In terms of activity, I managed a half-hour walk, an hour and a half of work on my novel and an hour or so of Torah study, as well as watching a film (Zootropolis) simultaneously with PIMOJ and then having a WhatsApp call afterwards.
***
Life can be an endless stream of self-doubt if you don’t have good self-esteem. I was worrying today if my divrei Torah (Torah thoughts) have declined in quality lately. No one has said that, but then I haven’t had much praise for them either. I suppose most people don’t give me any feedback at all and I wonder what they think or if they are even still reading.
Somewhat related to this, Zootropolis, like a lot of Hollywood films, was about the idea that you can do anything if you want it enough and try hard enough. (Presumably Hollywood pushes this line because it’s safer than saying the system is rigged against the little guy and the only alternative is refusal to join in and revolution.) I don’t think this idea (you can do anything you try) is true, and I think I have made myself very unwell and unhappy over the years trying to do things that are beyond my (autistic, depressed, socially anxious) capabilities. However, I can’t deny that I have managed to push myself to do things in the past that now terrify me (e.g. public speaking). I want to write novels, but I don’t know if I can realistically do this or if I’m wasting my time. It is difficult to know what to think about this.
LM,
you make me curious, writing about your divrei Torah all the time… is there any way we could also read them?
Yours,
David
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Thanks for the interest. I’m reluctant to post them here, as they’re quite long and somewhat away from the focus of the blog. Do you have an email address I could send them to?
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For sure, LM – I’ll e-mail you right now at your worc-oxford address.
Shabbat shalom,
David
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Great.
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I’ve also been curious to read your dvrei Torah if you’re willing to share them!
jewishyoungprofessional at yahoo
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Thanks, I’ve added you to the mailing list too! I usually send on Thursday evenings (UK time).
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I get hot flushes, lightheadedness, and tremor when my lithium level is getting on the high side. Perhaps the med change is affecting what your body is doing with the lithium?
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Interesting, I guess it’s possible. I already have a lithium blood test booked for 2 February, so I guess I’ll find out then.
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It does sound medication related. I think we’re all capable of more than we believe. In order to find out our limits though, we have to risk failure which is even difficult for people with decent self-esteem.
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Yes, risking failure is difficult!
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