I woke up again at 7am after only having had about six hours of sleep. I thought about getting up, but six hours sleep didn’t seem enough, so I went back to sleep and, inevitably, slept through most of the morning. I think it’s weird that this keeps happening. Maybe my body is trying to tell me I really don’t need so much sleep, but I do find it hard to get by on six hours, so I wonder why I keep waking up after that amount, and why I sleep for so long afterwards if I don’t need it. I think I need to bite the bullet and get up at 7am or whenever I wake up and see what happens, but it’s hard to think like that when I’ve only just woken up and I only get a few seconds to decide what to do before I fall asleep again.

After I fell asleep again, I was having some weird bad dream when my Dad knocked on the door. I think I gasped audibly or even screamed, but I’m not sure.

***

When I filled in the job agency registration form yesterday, they asked for references. I gave two, but I thought I ticked (or tried to tick — it’s hard on a Word document) the box for not asking them for references yet. However, J texted me today to say he’s been asked for a reference. There isn’t much I can do about it now, and it’s probably not a bad thing that J knows that I’m looking for supplementary work especially as I’m still hoping he’ll make my current role permanent (technically I’m a freelance contractor even though I’ve been there for a year now). Still, it was a conversation I was hoping to push off for a bit.

***

More fun with bureaucracy: the autism hospital phoned me back, which surprised me a bit. The person I spoke to said that they need a referral form from the GP rather than a letter, which may be what the problem was. She said that she doesn’t deal with the autism-adapted CBT any more, but that she thought the people who do would have sent the form to the GP. I’m not sure that this has been done, although it’s hard to tell, because there is apparently a huge backlog of referrals that they are working through (I assume because of COVID). I didn’t think to ask for contact details for those people when I was on the phone (because I’m autistic and have issues with dealing with conversations, especially on the phone!). I phoned back afterwards to do so, but it went straight to voicemail. So I may be on the waiting list already, or I may not be, but I’m not sure how I find out for sure. Honestly, it’s like something out of Kafka.

***

I emailed my oldest friend. We haven’t Skyped for a while and I wondered how he was getting on. More selfishly (not exactly selfish, but focused on the self), as my relationship with E gets more serious, I feel I need to mention her to my friends, so it won’t be a shock (or too much of a shock) when we get engaged.

***

I had a positive therapy session, but in many ways my biggest breakthrough was outside therapy. It was in realising that, while I do not have good Talmud studying skills, I do have some good Midrash study skills. The Midrash is the rabbinic expansion of the biblical narrative, like fan fiction that explores the characters and themes of the original text. Midrash can be hard to understand, as it can be intensely symbolic, even surreal, but the meaning of the symbolism may be unique to the individual passage, so there isn’t a set of universally-applicable ‘keys’ to learn. There is a tendency in the Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) world to take Midrash very literally and to see the text as revealed by God in a straightforward way (similar to the Haredi understanding of Tanakh (Hebrew Bible)), but in the Modern Orthodox world, it is seen as more literary and authored by individual rabbis rather than an objective description of factual events.

I find this a lot easier to understand that legal arguments. Yesterday I went from being curious about a passage in the Torah to looking up some Midrashim (in translation), finding a relevant Midrash, being baffled about the meaning, figuring out what seemed a likely symbolic reading and linking that symbolic reading to an understanding of the wider narrative in the Torah that it related to and writing a devar Torah about this with a homiletic conclusion all in the space of an hour or so. I think not many people would have been able to do that, even if they could understand halakhic (legal) passages of Talmud easily. It’s really a creative process not a rational/logical one. You stare at it for a bit and either the meaning of the passage suddenly hits you or it doesn’t and you go to the next one. Certainly having experience in reading serious literature helps here. (In fairness, there were other Midrashim I looked at that I couldn’t understand.)

I would like to build wider Midrash study skills further, but that would require investing time on improving my rabbinic Hebrew and also investing money on buying some volumes of Midrash rather than relying on Sefaria.org (there isn’t much Midrash easily available in parallel Hebrew-English translation). It is something to keep in mind for the future.

***

My sister and brother-in-law came for dinner. I had warned my parents that I would probably be drained after therapy (I feel like I’m just expected to fall in with everyone else’s plans). I definitely got ‘peopled out’ partway through the evening, around the time I had to listen to the story of my parents’ recent holiday for the second time (the first was the Shabbat after they got home, but sister and BIL weren’t here then). Perhaps because I was drained, my inner filter switched off and I was — not rude exactly, but cheeky. I have to admit they are still here, and I just slipped away from the meal because I needed a break. Even though my sister, BIL and I have early starts tomorrow, the meal is still ongoing. It is getting rather late and I really want it to be over, not because it’s bad, but because I just need some downtime before bed. I should probably go back downstairs and rejoin everyone as I’ve been up here for quarter of an hour…

8 thoughts on “Kafkaesque

  1. It sounds like you have a gift with the Midrash and that your writing and reading background help out with your creative understanding. That’s very positive!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I’m happy to hear your relationship with E is deepening. I enjoy reading your insights and explanations about the Midrash and Talmud. Despite your struggles, you really accomplish a lot.

    Regarding sleep, I struggle with this as well. I have set a bedtime for every day of the week to be in bed and lights out by 10:30 and up at 7 am. One hour before bedtime my clock gives a “time to wind down” warning, and I go do things like brushing and flossing teeth and changing out of clothes. So those rituals do help me go to sleep pretty easily.

    Waking up is a different story. I think it’s mostly enjoying the snuggly warmth of being in bed and also procrastination. I struggle with the basics and start breaking them down into all of the tasks involved in getting a shower or basically facing the day. Lately, I’ve been telling myself to stop thinking, be a doer, and use compartmentalization. So I was able to get up this morning not by 7, but earlier than I would have by saying, “What would a mentally healthy person do?” I’m trying that today and finding I’m accomplishing more and feeling better. I don’t know if procrastination and dread are the reasons you stay in bed, but these are my main reasons. I always feel better once I’m up, so I’m trying to remember that. It feels good to get things done. I hope something in here helps.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. The cosiness of bed is a factor, and the fact that I usually wake up as tired as when I went to bed, for reasons I don’t understand.

      I should try to get to bed at a consistent time as well, but it’s hard when I have a girlfriend who is in a time zone five hours behind me! We tend to Skype late at night.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Ohhh, 5 hours would make it harder to keep that schedule. Maybe she should get up earlier and have your chats in the morning :).

        The coziness of bed is an issue for me, too. Usually it’s my bladder that thankfully forces me to get up, and then I try to stay up. Didn’t work today. Having lots of anxiety, I crawled back into bed and did some deep breathing (after having made the mistake of having Alexa play the news) after taking some Xanax. Then was able to get up after a while.

        Liked by 1 person

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