(This really continues from the post I posted last night.)  I think I finally fell asleep about 4am (on two pillows, as I worried I was hurting my neck on one).  I slept through until almost halakhic (Jewish law) midday (the midpoint of daylight hours, which, because of daylight savings time, is currently 1.05pm).  I felt relieved, but also guilty for missing so much of Tisha B’Av (the saddest day in the Jewish calendar, see yesterday’s post for more).  Then I discovered, in rapid succession (a) that there’s been fighting again between Israel and Gaza (Islamic Jihad this time instead of Hamas); (b) that because of the fighting, and rockets fired at Israel, my cousin, who has PTSD, has been running to the bomb shelter again; and (c) that E definitely has COVID and is feeling bad, both physically and emotionally.  I can’t do anything about any of these things, other than send texts, and pray.

These thoughts got mixed up with other thoughts about my disrupted sleep, and not knowing if it’s because of a physical sleep disorder, autistic exhaustion or medication side-effects, and how so much of my life, particularly my religious life, seems to be making the best of difficult situations.  Sometimes it feels like only my life with E is completely good (there are challenges there, but I feel we can meet them).

I read some of Lamentations: Faith in a Turbulent World and The Third Reich in Power 1933-1939, although I’m not sure how much either of them really made me feel the “right” feelings for the day.  To be honest, I’m not really sure what I felt today, and I feel bad about sleeping through the morning.  I really wish I could sort my sleep pattern out, or get some kind of idea of what the problem is so I can move towards it, as I don’t think I’ll get my work or religious lives anywhere near to where I want them to be without doing so.  I’m pleased I was able to support E and my cousin via text.  I guess I feel I should have somehow got more into the day, but, having struggled with depression for decades, it’s hard to push myself back to that mindset.  Maybe I’m just making excuses for myself.

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8 thoughts on “Tisha B’Av Continued (Briefly)

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