I spent the afternoon printing and scanning bank statements for E’s visa application (to prove we will have enough money), only to discover they need to be on bank stationery, stamped by the bank or accompanied by a letter from the bank to authenticate them.  I know from experience that my bank simply will not print bank statements more than three months old, so it looks like I’m going to have to phone them to get some kind of appointment to get the statements printed or authenticated there, and also at my building society, as I need proof for both my current account and my savings account.  This is yet another hassle and has left me feeling close to burnout.  Other than that, I did go for a walk (I need it after that), but did very little Torah study, or anything else productive.

I feel exhausted and close to being overwhelmed and perhaps burning out.  I’ve gone in the space of a week and a half from getting married (civil wedding) in a foreign country, to leaving my bride of one day (who is still weak from COVID) to come back to the UK, to going straight back to work, then having my aunt and uncle staying with us (me and my parents) and trying to sort out the visa so E can follow me to the UK ASAP.  I haven’t had time to process the civil wedding, to process being separated from E for an indeterminate period, or even to just be myself for long periods without having to mask around other people.  And on top of all that, I have the oncoming stresses (religious, emotional, practical, social) of the Jewish autumn holiday season and the slow dying of the light as we get to autumn, with the risk of triggering depression and maybe anxiety in me.  I really feel like I need some self-care time, but I’m not sure when I can do that and I feel guilty about even thinking about it.  I watched Doctor Who for twenty-five minutes over dinner, but it doesn’t really begin to address that.

My parents are away next week.  That sounds like it might be a break from peopling, but my mood does tend to dip when I’m in my house alone, even aside from extra chores.  What I really need is to live with my best friend, but she’s in New York.

***

I sometimes I feel I have a “one in, one out” system on my blog whereby when I gain a new reader, I lose an old one, and I feel that’s happened recently.  I’m sad and vaguely worried that I did something wrong, but also aware that friendships tend to be transient, particularly online ones.  I do wonder sometimes about blog readers of years past who just vanished one day, particularly if they weren’t active bloggers themselves for me to see if they were still doing anything, but I know I’ve also stopped reading blogs for reasons that have nothing to do with the writers and everything to do with where I was with my life.

I did write something in comment on someone else’s blog recently about being diagnosed autistic (this was someone who doesn’t know about this blog and only knows me via my old, non-anonymous, pre-autism Blogger identity).  I felt in a way that I needed to apologise for and explain my sometimes-inept behaviour over the years, but I think I just freaked her out.  I guess it is a big thing to suddenly write about in a post that wasn’t entirely connected.  I do tend to feel the need to apologise to people for how I behaved before I knew I was on the spectrum when maybe I should just draw a line under it and move on.  My first novel was, on some level, a way of doing this, which I guess is one reason why I’m tempted to just rewrite to remove most of the autism stuff.

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12 thoughts on “One In, One Out

  1. I too am puzzled when people disappear and wonder what’s going on with them if they don’t have a blog or never post. We who write are very aware of what’s happening with our blog friends, and we get used to that. Hope you handle the alone time OK. It seems like a whole bunch of stresses are hitting you at once. One thing at a time and one step forward. Day by day is our only choice sometimes.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. I guess people move on. I was pretty active on Twitter, but I suddenly burned out and never go now. I don’t even know why… maybe too much hate and politics. I suppose I could filter for the poets only, but meh…

    Anyway. You’ve done a lot! Dealing with bureaucracy is utterly draining. Totally understand!

    Liked by 1 person

  3. So sorry you are feeling so stressed out. For me, I find when I start to get stressed I just keep pushing myself harder, which I know doesn’t help. I’m going to try to meditate tomorrow which does chill me out a little, and I have tai chi and therapy. Such a full day already! But tomorrow I’m going to stop stressing a 5pm. If I haven’t done it by then it can wait. But having a lot of things on my to do list really stresses me out 😖. Maybe you can find a way to cut off the stress or get it to calm a little.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I do push myself harder sometimes, up to the point where I crack.

      I’ve made various attempts at meditation, but I’ve never really got into it.

      Having a long to do list stresses me out too. The current list is very long.

      Liked by 1 person

  4. I’m feeling kind of over blogging at the moment. I’ve started so many drafts that I find myself unable to complete and post for some reason, and the reading and commenting isn’t holding interest for me in the same way. I think many people go through similar phases and it’s nothing personal.

    Getting married is stressful. It’s happy, but it’s also stressful.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. There’s no way to know what’s going on with someone who suddenly stops reading your blog, and it’s all too easy to imagine why, though the risk of being completely off with the assessment is big. I can just say that I’ve gone through bouts of not reading blogs, and it’s been due to what’s going on in my life, not the blogger’s. You may regain the person you lost when their life changes.

    I hope you can get some emotional space to breathe with all that’s going on. I was about to suggest asking for a day or two off work, but then I realized that you’ve just come back from just that, so it can be hard to do. Not sure what comfort it is in telling yourself that this is normal for your circumstances. Sometimes reminding myself that in a month or two things will be better helps me. It’s when I forget that it’s normal and that there’s definitely an end coming that things start to spin wildly out of control and I despair.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I would like the breathing space, but I can’t take any more days off work if I want to go to see E again later in the year, and I have to use my non-work days to focus on getting the necessary documents for the visa application for the foreseeable future.

      Liked by 1 person

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