I spent the afternoon printing and scanning bank statements for E’s visa application (to prove we will have enough money), only to discover they need to be on bank stationery, stamped by the bank or accompanied by a letter from the bank to authenticate them. I know from experience that my bank simply will not print bank statements more than three months old, so it looks like I’m going to have to phone them to get some kind of appointment to get the statements printed or authenticated there, and also at my building society, as I need proof for both my current account and my savings account. This is yet another hassle and has left me feeling close to burnout. Other than that, I did go for a walk (I need it after that), but did very little Torah study, or anything else productive.
I feel exhausted and close to being overwhelmed and perhaps burning out. I’ve gone in the space of a week and a half from getting married (civil wedding) in a foreign country, to leaving my bride of one day (who is still weak from COVID) to come back to the UK, to going straight back to work, then having my aunt and uncle staying with us (me and my parents) and trying to sort out the visa so E can follow me to the UK ASAP. I haven’t had time to process the civil wedding, to process being separated from E for an indeterminate period, or even to just be myself for long periods without having to mask around other people. And on top of all that, I have the oncoming stresses (religious, emotional, practical, social) of the Jewish autumn holiday season and the slow dying of the light as we get to autumn, with the risk of triggering depression and maybe anxiety in me. I really feel like I need some self-care time, but I’m not sure when I can do that and I feel guilty about even thinking about it. I watched Doctor Who for twenty-five minutes over dinner, but it doesn’t really begin to address that.
My parents are away next week. That sounds like it might be a break from peopling, but my mood does tend to dip when I’m in my house alone, even aside from extra chores. What I really need is to live with my best friend, but she’s in New York.
I sometimes I feel I have a “one in, one out” system on my blog whereby when I gain a new reader, I lose an old one, and I feel that’s happened recently. I’m sad and vaguely worried that I did something wrong, but also aware that friendships tend to be transient, particularly online ones. I do wonder sometimes about blog readers of years past who just vanished one day, particularly if they weren’t active bloggers themselves for me to see if they were still doing anything, but I know I’ve also stopped reading blogs for reasons that have nothing to do with the writers and everything to do with where I was with my life.
I did write something in comment on someone else’s blog recently about being diagnosed autistic (this was someone who doesn’t know about this blog and only knows me via my old, non-anonymous, pre-autism Blogger identity). I felt in a way that I needed to apologise for and explain my sometimes-inept behaviour over the years, but I think I just freaked her out. I guess it is a big thing to suddenly write about in a post that wasn’t entirely connected. I do tend to feel the need to apologise to people for how I behaved before I knew I was on the spectrum when maybe I should just draw a line under it and move on. My first novel was, on some level, a way of doing this, which I guess is one reason why I’m tempted to just rewrite to remove most of the autism stuff.