I had a stressful day at work yesterday. I’d say an awful day, except the nature of my job is that on the most awful days, it reminds me that at least everyone I care about is OK, so I don’t feel able to call it an awful day (it also reminds me that everyone I care about will one day die, which is less cheering). But it was one of those days when I felt totally autistic and unable to communicate effectively with people or do the right thing, no matter how hard I tried. It felt like I’m an alien who just beamed down from another planet and I haven’t done my research on humans properly, like Ford Prefect in The Hitch-Hiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. Except he functioned a lot better than I did. (Someone should create The Autistic’s Guide to the Galaxy.)

I also discovered that either the GP or the pharmacy has locked themselves into a situation of getting my meds after I’ve run out of clomipramine, so I have to skip a morning dose as I can’t get them until later. I need to sort this out, but won’t be able to do so next week because of Yom Tov. Also, it will involve talking to people, which I hate. I feel maybe I should have spoken to them about it yesterday or today, but I went into rigid autistic ‘This is awful and I can’t sort it out’ mode, and also socially anxious mode and now it’s too late because of Yom Kippur.

I slept for a long time last night and woke feeling OK, albeit later than I wanted, but then discovered the sports drinks I bought to help me prepare for fasting on Yom Kippur (Day of Atonement, tonight and tomorrow) don’t have the electrolytes I need. They’re just fizzy drinks. After breakfast, I managed to go out and get some actual sports drinks with electrolytes, but I’ve been feeling overwhelmed and unready for a day of intense soul-searching and repentance, not to mention fasting (which makes me ill, hence the electrolyte drinks to try to prepare). I feel I could cope with the autumn festival cycle if it was spread out a bit more. And also if I wasn’t autistic, which is something I probably shouldn’t say. And, yes, I would probably cope with life as a whole a lot better if I wasn’t autistic. I shouldn’t say this as in the autistic community we’re supposed to be #actuallyautistic and proud. I don’t feel like that and worry that to do so would involve living a life that’s incompatible with my religious values, one way or another.

I haven’t been accepted to many of the Facebook groups I tried to join. I think I haven’t really got the hang of FB. It still seems very user-unfriendly and off-putting.

I wish E was here.

I feel I should do some Torah study or something religious, but I’m actually going to shower and then watch Monty Python and try to cheer myself up before the most intense day of the religious calendar (which is also supposed to be the happiest day, because we get forgiven, but it’s not always easy to tune into that).


4 thoughts on “Hallo Spaceboy

  1. It’s great if some people feel like they’re positively affected by their autism, but not everyone is going to be lucky enough to be in that position. The full spectrum of any condition is more than just the highest functioning people who have it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I struggle sometimes at connecting with other autistic people because of this. The alternative people go for is “Everything good about my life is from autism; everything bad about it is from neurotypical ableism,” which I also find reductionist and problematic for other reasons.

      Liked by 1 person

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