NHS Fun and Games, Giving Up on Books, and A Slight Bit of Politics

I was expecting to be burnt out today after yesterday, and I was. I got up very late and felt burnt until late in the day, whereupon I tried to cram too much into too little time. There is only one job to apply for on my job application spreadsheet at the moment, and I feel it is really unlikely that I will get it (librarian at a big law firm), so I’m leaving that for the moment. I would like to have worked on my novel, but focused today on chores that absolutely needed doing. Hopefully I will get to the novel tomorrow.


More NHS fun and games: when I saw the psychiatrist a few weeks ago, she said that the company that manufactures my lithium was stopping production, so I would have to change brand. As I understood it, she wanted to decrease dosage and then build up on the new one. She said the details would be in a letter to my GP which she would copy to me. I haven’t received the letter. I tried to phone, but the number I had for (what I thought was) the clinic, which was also on the top of a (different, recent) letter from the psychiatrist was not recognised even though I’ve phoned it in the past. The second number on the letter wasn’t recognised either. Mum noticed a third number on the letter, which turned out to be the clinic main phone number; they said to phone the secretary and gave me a number which was the same as the first one, the one I thought was the clinic main phone number. I said it wasn’t connecting and they just insisted that was the right number. So I tried that number again (because insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome) and this time it connected and rang and rang, but no one answered. I hung up, waited twenty minutes, phoned again, and it rang and rang and no one answered. I think they shut at 4pm and I’m guessing they were being naughty and not answering the phone at 3.50pm so they wouldn’t be kept after 4pm. So I guess I have to try again tomorrow. Sometimes it’s hard to avoid the impression that there are people working at the NHS who enjoy playing elaborate pranks on patients. Remember, kids, we ‚̧ the NHS!!!!!! ūüĎŹūüĎŹūüĎŹ ūüĆą


I’m struggling with the novel I’m reading, Dominion. It’s a “What if the Nazis won World War II?” novel. I only really realised after I bought it that I already have three or four of these. I think there’s only so much mileage in these books. Dominion is a thriller, but so far I’m 150 pages in and very little that is thrilling has happened and its vision of a pro-Fascist Britain isn’t terribly interesting (Oswald Mosley and Enoch Powell in the government, who would have guessed….). It was OK when the book was focused on the main character, but currently it’s focused on a possibly autistic man in a psychiatric hospital and I feel really uncomfortable with it. Maybe it’s just too close to home.

Maybe close to home in more ways than one. I don’t believe in the author’s alternative history. I can see a Lord Halifax-led government making peace with Germany in 1940, but I can’t see Britain becoming Fascist without invasion. Appeasement was popular in Britain in the 1930s because of fear that another World War would lead to massive carnage, which it did, but I don’t see Fascism having enough support in Britain for a Fascist government of the kind described here. I guess chimes with some experiences I’ve had recently, talking with friends who feel that the contemporary USA is on the verge of becoming a dictatorship. I don’t like Donald Trump at all, and I hope he loses the election, but I really can’t see America becoming Fascist overnight. I don’t believe that countries with a long experience of democracy suddenly become dictatorships without war, invasion or severe economic and social trauma. So maybe this is reinforcing my fears that I see the world very differently to my friends, and worrying that they would stop being my friends if they knew, the feeling I have alluded to in the past here when I say I want to write about the way my political views make me feel alienated.

All this said, I’m bad at giving up on books. E. used to tell me to be more ruthless, saying time spent forcing myself to read a book I don’t enjoy is time wasted that could have been spent with a book I do enjoy. But I’m not sure I really want to spend another 550 pages with this one. I’m not sure what else I would read at the moment though. I feel I probably need something light, but don’t have anything obviously to hand. The thoughts about what could make a country become a dictatorship have been pushing me to have another go at my Mum’s copy of The Rise and Fall of the Third Reich, which I started when I was fourteen or fifteen and gave up on after a couple of hundred pages. I was probably not old enough for it, but I think it might be to heavy (in all senses of the word) for me at the moment.


Achievements: I went for a longish (forty-five minutes) walk. I did nearly an hour of Torah study and dealt with a lot of emails and little chores, but felt that I didn’t manage that much overall. It feels a bit like a wasted day.

Weird Stuff

I was in a deep sleep this morning and had some weird dreams. In one I had to control a very disruptive child, while also doing some important professional tasks and I struggled to do both at once. Perhaps the disruptive child is my negativity, which needs to be allowed to “play” a little, but also not to derail my job search, novel work or dating PIMOJ.

In the other dream, I was at school and had handed in some English homework, but I hadn’t done it properly. We were supposed to read and analyse a novel and I had read and analysed a short story because I felt too depressed (I think) to read a novel. I was waiting to see what my teacher would say, fearing he would tell me off.

I think this represents some thoughts I had last night about not being able to write “properly” because I read eclectically across genres, but paradoxically also focusing on reading specific authors that I read in depth and repeatedly (Jorge Luis Borges, Franz Kafka, Philip K. Dick, John le Carr√©) rather than reading widely in a specific genre, as authors are “supposed” to do. This may be autistic, certainly sticking with favoured authors and re-reading them instead of reading something new seems somewhat autistic, not that that really makes a difference.

My current novel is mainstream fiction and I haven’t read much contemporary mainstream fiction since I stopped going to a book club a decade ago. My next novel I hope will be some weird merger of fantasy and/or science fiction with historical fiction and Jewish topics, possibly aimed at a Young Adult audience, and I don’t feel I read any of those genres enough and certainly not contemporary authors in those genres (it takes a long time for new authors to reach me, and for me to build up courage to read them). I would be willing to read a lot for research, although I don’t quite know where to start, plus I feel that although I would be advised to research, really I want my writing to be a bit weird and sui generis, deliberately not fitting with other authors.

I realised a while back that while I say I like science fiction, it isn’t really that simple. A lot of science fiction doesn’t interest me that much. I do watch and like programmes like Star Trek and Star Wars, but really my favourite stuff is in this weird zone (The Twilight Zone, if you like), where science fiction, fantasy, (mild) horror, surrealism and magic realism can meet, not necessarily all at once, but some of them. Authors like Borges, Kafka and Dick, and also Flann O’Brien and the Yiddish humourist Mendele Mocher-Seforim (Mendel the Book-Seller) are important to me and I think about them a lot. Also (perhaps more so) TV programmes like Doctor Who (particularly the original series), Saphire and Steel, The Prisoner, Life on Mars and Ashes to Ashes, Quatermass, bits of The Avengers and even Mr Benn and The Clangers which were aimed at very young children, but amuse me. Stories where the normal and the weird are mashed against each other like a collage. Absurdist-type stories taking place in black or white voids. Mr Benn was probably the gateway drug to that, when I was a very young child, the idea that he would put on a costume in a fancy dress shop and then when he walked out the changing room door, he was in another time and place, something relevant to how he was dressed, and would have an adventure.


Today I did some shopping and ended up arriving at Tesco the same time as the children were coming out of the primary school next to the supermarket. I’d get frustrated by all the people at the best of times, but I just felt viscerally uncomfortable being there and worried that I was going to catch COVID, although I did at least do what I had to do and panic and run away. It showed that I really have work to do before I’m going to be comfortable at shul (synagogue) or busier shops.

I painted the garden shed again for Mum and Dad as it needed a second coat. I wanted to do a lot of hoovering (the stairs need hoovering), but postponed it until tomorrow as I was too tired to do more physical work. I spent some time redrafting another chapter of my novel. I hoped it would take an hour. In the end it took nearly two, partly because it was long, but also because I interrupted it to look after Mum who was feeling sick (we think indigestion rather than anything to do with cancer treatment, but still worrying). My concentration was pretty good, though.

I listened to a shiur (religious class) while painting the shed, although I didn’t have the time I wanted to do further Torah study in the evening. I’m finding it hard to balance everything that I want in my life and wish I could get up earlier, but I don’t know how to change that short of having some external reason to get up like a job. PIMOJ is an occupational therapist and part of me wants to ask her advice, but a bigger part is worried of scaring her off if she knew just how late I get up and how long it takes me to get going in the mornings (she is very much a morning person).


New reasons to hate the WordPress block editor: unless I’m missing something, you can’t easily insert letters with accents, as in ‘John le Carr√©’. Please let me known if you know how to do this!

“Eaten By the Monster of Love”

Shabbat (the Sabbath) was OK.¬† I slept too much again.¬† I did a bit of Torah study and not much else, not even much secular reading, although I finally started The Islamist, Ed Husain’s book about his experience as an Islamic fundamentalist, and why he finally left radical Islam.¬† It looks interesting, but serious, and I’ve been putting off starting it for several days (or years, if you consider how long it’s been on my shelf, but days since I told myself I would start it).

I was somewhat worried about whether I’ve made a bad idea with JDate.¬† It was a lot of money to subscribe.¬† I think I can cancel my subscription up to Tuesday.¬† I’m not sure whether to do it.¬† I think the money is less a problem than the fact I did something impulsive, and when I do that, I always second-guess myself.

There aren’t many frum (religious Jewish) British people on JDate.¬† Like, really not many.¬† When I browse, I only come up with a few profiles, even if I add in “traditional” Jews.¬† Actually, forget frum, there aren’t many British people on JDate.¬† I guess this is what it means to be a minority of a minority of a minority.¬† Do I feel up to another long-distance relationship?¬† I think there are more frum women on JWed, but that’s a site for people dating-for-marriage and I don’t feel I’m quite there, plus there’s still the limit on British people because of the small size of the Anglo-Jewish community.

Plus, dating-for-dating feels vaguely wrong, as I’ve said before.¬† I feel I should wait until I’m not depressed (which may never happen) or until I have a job or publish my novel (ditto) or until I have my autism assessment (why?) or…¬† I don’t know what.¬† It’s just easy to think of reasons it’s a bad idea.

My parents said to go for it.¬† My Dad says it’s a sign I’m ready to move on with my life.¬† I think it’s more a sign that I’m lonely, and that I periodically do crazy things when I’m lonely.¬† When I was growing up, when I used to procrastinate over something and then make a decision and then question it and start procrastinating again, my Dad said, “Whatever decision you made, it’s the right one.”¬† I think it was a quasi-religious statement about things turning out well (Dad is an optimist, not like me at all in that respect).¬† I just second-guess all my big decisions and then present them as moral failings.

I think some of the fear is that a lot of women on the site have posted very “glamorous” pictures of themselves on JDate, at parties or whatever, all made up, and I find that vaguely scary and off-putting, partly because “glamorous” isn’t really something I’m looking for, partly because I don’t think I could appeal to such a woman.¬† Mind you, my photo on there is of me in my dinner jacket after my sister’s wedding, just because it was a good photo.¬† You wouldn’t know that was one of two or three parties I’ve been to in the last ten years.

I suppose I should try to find something to write to someone on JDate tomorrow, or cancel my subscription.

Off to watch¬†Doctor Who to try to cheer myself up…

Embracing Struggles, or I Possibly Just Wasted ¬£90

I possibly just wasted ¬£90.¬† I subscribed to full JDate membership.¬† I fiddled around browsing more.¬† I’m not entirely sure there are really enough frum (religious Jewish) or “willing to marry someone frum” people on there.¬† I haven’t messaged anyone yet.¬† Too scared, plus it’s getting to close to¬†Shabbat (the Sabbath) to spend more time on it today.¬† I suppose it will be practise at “speaking” to strangers, if anyone responds to my emails, which, from experience, is not a given.

In Kafka’s parable Before the Law (written as part of¬†The Trial, but also published separately), the man seeking admission to the law is refused admittance by the doorkeeper.¬† He is forced to wait outside for many years, but is never let in.¬† He tries bribing the doorkeeper, who takes the bribes, but still refuses to let him in, stating, “I am only taking it to keep you from thinking you have omitted anything.”¬† Eventually the man dies.¬† With his dying breath, he asks why he has never seen anyone else ask admittance to the law here; the doorkeeper responds that, “No one else could ever be admitted here, since this gate was made only for you.¬† I am now going to shut it.”

I have thought about that parable a lot over the years, with regard to depression and “recovery” as well as dating.¬† I feel I try everything, but it never helps; it just stops me thinking I have omitted anything.¬† Hence, the JDate subscription.¬† Sigh.¬† But I suppose it is “my” door (loneliness, depression, social anxiety and autism), and I can’t really go anywhere else, or expect anyone else to understand it as I understand it the way I do.¬† All I can do is embrace the struggles and the “now.”

“I was shot and found myself in 1983”

Well, unlike Alex Drake in¬†Ashes to Ashes, I wasn’t shot, but I did find myself in 1983 when I came into this world thirty-seven years ago.

My birthday got off to a bad start today.¬† Mum had a bad turn soon after I got up and we were worried about her for a while, although she’s fine now.

Then I tried to book my blood test, but failed because of COVID restrictions on where it can be done at the moment.¬† There’s a whole long story here that I won’t go into, but the short version is that I don’t know where I can have it done and am struggling to get hold of my psychiatrist to find out.¬† Typical NHS bureaucracy.¬† I know this sounds a trivial problem, and it is, but it leaves me feeling very flustered with social anxiety about asking people things and autistic confusion about new situations that I’m not prepared for, and being put through to receptionists who are short with me just leaves me feeling worse.

Also, on weighing myself, it looked like I hadn’t lost weight after all.

However, I was cheered up by getting a LOT of birthday messages here!¬† Thank you so much!¬† Also some messages from family during the day.¬† My ankle seems a lot better today too, although I need to work out what’s causing the pain to find a long-term solution.¬† Dad suggested insoles to cushion my feet more which might be a good first step.¬† That said, I did avoid going for a walk today to help it heal.


I did a bit of work on my novel, but between my problems phoning about my blood test, therapy, and decompressing from therapy afterwards, and then having family over for my birthday, I didn’t get much time today.¬† On the downside, I realised that when I sent¬†Doctor Who Magazine a review copy of my¬†Doctor Who book last week, I forgot to put my email address and phone number on the covering letter, although I did put my physical address.¬† I tell myself, I had never sent such a letter before, but it still annoys me that I make sloppy mistakes like that, even though I know it’s the kind of practical/interpersonal thing that you might expect someone on the autism spectrum to get wrong.

I guess it’s frustrating as I never had the organisational issues at school or university that might have flagged up autism.¬† I had a friend at school who was very intelligent, but also not at all organised and (to be honest) rather lazy.¬† He never did his homework or had the right books with him and only engaged with his studies inasmuch as they interested him.¬† He didn’t go to university when the rest of us did, but didn’t really do much in the way of career-building; I don’t even remember if he even had a job when I last saw him, back when I was still doing my BA.¬† My sister knows his sister and ran into him a few years back.¬† He had a girlfriend who was pregnant; I got the impression he still didn’t have much of career, maybe not even a job.¬† His parents always seemed super-permissive and content to just let him coast through life.¬† They were a wealthy family, so maybe he didn’t need to do any more than that to survive.

My point is that in many ways he fitted the autism stereotype a lot more than I do, the stereotype of intense interest in some topics, but complete uninterest in others and total disorganisation and lack of social savvy.¬† I never forgot my books, but perhaps that was only because I was super-careful to follow my routine of packing every evening before bed, checking against the timetable and my diary notes so that I didn’t forget anything and even checking my bag multiple times on the way in to school to see if I had forgotten anything (autism loves routines).¬† ¬†The further I get from the organised routine of school and, to a lesser extent, university, the more I make sloppy mistakes and end up blaming myself.¬† My parents help me with some stuff (I’ve mentioned my Dad helping me with money), but they don’t know anything about writing and publishing.¬† I just feel so useless and incompetent at times.¬† I try to tell myself it’s not my fault, but I worry that it is my fault and that when I have my assessment, I’m going to get told I’m not autistic, just useless.


Therapy was good.¬† We spoke about loneliness a lot.¬† I also went back and forth with guilt and anxiety about breaking up with E., which I guess is looking for validation on some level.¬† I spoke about not always being aware of when my inner critic is talking when I’m depressed and not being able to think of practical strategies to beat loneliness when I feel lonely.¬† The therapist suggested making some charts (I guess I could do flow charts) e.g. “If I feel depressed –> ask if it’s my inner critic talking” or “If I feel lonely –> email a friend /or –> phone Samaritans” rather than sit ruminating.¬† I will try to do that this week.

I spoke a bit about dating too.¬† The therapist did say that someone who could cope with my issues is probably going to be a very “special” and kind person, which is something I’ve thought about myself, even down to describing her as “special.”¬† How do I even find such a person?¬† According to stereotype, every frum guy is looking for a kind (and pretty) wife; it’s hard to see how I can stand out from the crowd, especially as, also according to stereotype, every frum woman (outside of the yeshiva world of full-time “learning”) is looking for guy who can support a family while taking prayer and Talmud study seriously, which is not exactly me right now.¬† It would probably also have to be someone who had some kind of issues of her own or the relationship would be unbalanced.¬† I don’t know how I could deliberately find such a relationship with someone with issues, other than wait and hope God will intervene.¬† I don’t think dating is going to happen again for me for a very long time…¬† That may be just as well, as I think I still have a lot of difficult feelings to work through regarding E.


As today was my birthday, my sister and brother-in-law came over and we had takeaway pizza in the garden, socially distanced, followed by chocolate cake and ice cream.¬† It was good, but I always end up feeling vaguely guilty that I get “peopled out” before anyone else gets tired.¬† I always seem to get fidgety a good hour before anyone else seems to.

Presents:¬†Doctor Who: The Complete Twelfth Series DVD from my parents.¬† This was the 2020 series.¬† I know, I was lukewarm about the series when it was broadcast earlier this year, so why did I ask for it as a present?¬† (We don’t really do surprise presents in my family, we just tell each other what we would like.)¬† I admit I did have second thoughts about that.¬† To cut a long story short, I wasn’t sure what could be ordered because of COVID hitting my favourite online bookshop with supply issues.¬† I decided I would rather have something on the day than wait for months.¬† I also know I do often dislike new episodes of Doctor Who on first viewing and then like them a lot more on repeated viewing.¬† I think it’s something about the area where fannishness meets autism that means I need time to adjust to new ideas in my favourite programme.¬† I used to think the 2008 series was absolutely the worst series of Doctor Who ever; now I think that its second half in particular is a really exemplary run of episodes.¬† I didn’t think most of these episodes (the 2020 series) were bad, just so-so (except Orphan 55, which was pants and antisemitic).¬† As Peter Davison (the fifth Doctor) said, if a Doctor Who fan thinks an episode is “bad,” that means he “only” watches it thirty times.¬† If nothing else, reviewing the episodes for my Doctor Who blog ought to be fun; I deliberately didn’t review them on first viewing because I was worried I would be overly negative.¬† And there is still ¬£10 or so in the budget to get one or two books when the supply chain restarts.

From my sister and brother-in-law, I got Minority Report, which is volume four of¬†The Collected Stories of Philip K. Dick, one of my favourite authors.¬† (I have volumes one to three of the short stories already.)¬† Also, Muck by Dror Burstein, which is a sui generis modern re-telling of the biblical book of Jeremiah, a “comedy with apocalyptic stakes” that looks fun and also worth checking out if I want to write Jewish-themed fantasy and science fiction.¬† I guess it’s appropriate Three Weeks reading too.

Mum and Dad also gave me a MoonPig birthday card with my picture on it.¬† It’s not such a bad picture, which I saying something as I usually hate looking at pictures of myself.

I’m pretty tired and “peopled out” now.¬† I did some late night Torah study just now (about half an hour, not bad considering how late it is) and I ought to go to bed, but I feel I need to decompress a bit with TV or something to unwind from therapy and peopling.


There’s been a weird, intermittent humming sound from somewhere nearby today, which makes my bedroom sound eerily like the TARDIS.¬† I really would like to be able to take my room anywhere in time and space.¬† But probably not to 1983.

Wanderer in the Fourth Dimension

It’s been a very difficult day.

I was feeling quite anxious on waking up this morning.¬† Then Mum was quite ill very suddenly.¬† I was going to write what happened, but then I thought she might not want me to.¬† She’s OK now, but I was very worried for a time and thought briefly I might have to phone for an ambulance.¬† It was very frightening.¬† So that added a new level of anxiety.¬† Fortunately she’s seeing her surgeon tomorrow, so she can tell him about it.¬† I’m not sure he’s the best person to tell, but it’s a start.¬† But it’s a reminder of my parents’ mortality, and of the fact that while Mum’s prognosis is good, she is still seriously ill.

After a while Mum seemed to be OK and the adrenaline rush from dealing with the situation wore off, and I drifted back into depression, possibly worse for being post-adrenaline.¬† I managed to work on my novel and wrote quite a bit without too much procrastination, but once I had stopped, the depression came rushing back at me again, with agitation and probably also anxiety and loneliness, although it’s hard to be sure.¬† I felt pretty overwhelmed.

I tried to get myself to do some Torah study without using “should” language about it, but it was hard.¬† It was just a slog to get through it.¬† Here are some things that are hard to read in the Torah, from a contemporary perspective: genealogies, descriptions of sacrificial Temple rituals and censuses, because they are all very long and repetitive and it’s hard to connect them to anything in modern spirituality.¬† I struggle to connect them.¬† And they were all in this week’s sedra (Torah reading).¬† There was a little bit of narrative, but not much.¬† I did get through it and technically I didn’t “should” myself into it, but I think that was because autistic determination/absorption took over, and not in a good way, and I sort of forgot that I had the option of stopping.

I’m also trying not to think about the future, but it’s hard.¬† And it’s hard not to do it without “shoulding” myself into not doing it (“I should not think about the future.”).

About 8pm it hit me that it’s been a really hard day.¬† I hadn’t really thought about it that way before then, I’d been too busy living through it.¬† I felt a bit tired, but really tense.¬† It was late, but I wanted to go for a run before dinner to relieve some of the tension.¬† Possibly there was some “shoulding” there, but I did feel that I would be tense all evening unless I went out for a bit.¬† I had a reasonable run, and didn’t get an exercise migraine, so that was good.¬† I was still feeling stressed, so I ate ice cream for dessert after dinner, which probably put back the calories I lost running.¬† Oh well.


I felt a bit bad that my sister seemed more worried about Mum than I was.¬† Of course, by the time Mum told her, I’d seen that Mum was feeling a lot better, whereas my sister didn’t know and was probably imagining the worst, so in some ways it’s not surprising that she was very upset while I was calm.

I spend all my time worrying about some fairly abstract things in my life and the world at large (if I’ll ever have a proper job, if I’ll ever get married, if antisemitism is getting worse), but I can be pretty detached about people who I actually care about.¬† I feel like it makes me a bad person, but I’m not sure what worrying would achieve; if anything, I’d rather worry less about myself than more about my family and friends.¬† ¬†I guess it can be hard distinguishing caring from¬†worrying, the former being good and the latter bad.¬† Maybe this is another “should” to avoid.¬† I just wish I didn’t feel inhuman and uncaring sometimes.

Detachment can be another autism symptom too, of course.  It could be that I do care about my family and friends, I just express it in a different way to most people.


NB: this next isn’t really anything to do with today or anyone I mentioned here today, just something I’ve been thinking about recently.

I find it hard to understand people.¬† They’re… complicated.¬† Sometimes one person has apparently contradictory character traits.¬† They can be supportive to some people, but cold to others, or caring when they’re in a good mood, but unbearable when they’re angry.¬† I find it difficult to understand.¬† Maybe I’ve been an avid reader since childhood to try to get inside other people’s heads.¬† I know autism doesn’t make it any easier.¬† I wonder if I will struggle to invent believable characters in my writing because of this.¬† Already I think my second most important character is flat and bland, while the villain is probably too nasty.¬† He’s a psychopath; psychopaths are usually very charming to most people and I think I’ve struggled to show that.

I struggle to understand people on a societal level too.¬† I don’t feel like I belong to either twenty-first century Western society or to contemporary frum society.¬† I can “pass” in both, but not always very well.¬† I’m not good on details like slang or popular culture in either society.

Maybe I’m just afraid of opening up.¬† Maybe people would be OK with my idiosyncrasies if I did so.¬† Or maybe not.¬† I suspect on some level I studied history to try to understand societies better.¬† I’m not sure if it helped any more than reading novels helped me understand individuals.¬† Sometimes I try to look at our current society as if I were an outsider, a future historian.

Maybe that’s why I’ve always liked time-travel stories.¬† I’d much rather have a time machine than a spaceship.¬† Maybe that’s why I prefer¬†Doctor Who to¬†Star Trek (OK, among several other reasons).¬† The idea of being lost in time is scary, but sometimes that feels how I live my life.

“Have you ever thought what it’s like to be wanderers in the fourth dimension?¬† Have you?¬† To be exiles…?” – Doctor Who: An Unearthly Child by Anthony Coburn

Religious Overtones

I felt a bit better today, at least once I managed to get up and get going.¬† I did give in to OCD compulsions before I ate breakfast.¬† Once I ate, I felt calmer though.¬† I feel better than I did yesterday at any rate.¬† It’s hard to tell when my thoughts are wonky, because what can I measure them with except other thoughts?¬† Philip K. Dick (one of my favourite authors) said at one point in his quest to discover if he was psychotic or religiously-inspired (or possibly having messages beamed into his head by aliens, or the CIA – all these were possibilities for him) “Either I’ve invented a whole new logic or, ahem, I’m not playing with a full deck.”¬† I feel like that sometimes.

I had early therapy today and then a shiur (religious class) over Zoom in the evening.  The timing pretty much made writing out of the question, even if I had felt less depressed.  I woke up early, but was depressed and fell asleep again.  By the time I managed to get up, get dressed, daven (pray) a bit and have lunch, there was less than an hour until therapy.


I went for a walk after therapy and got freaked out again at the number of people around.¬† I know this is an “You aren’t in traffic, you are traffic” situation and I’m just as much a part of the problem as anyone else.¬† Still, given Mum’s compromised immune system, I’m very afraid of bringing coronavirus in and I wonder if I should start taking my exercise indoors.¬† I know E. hasn’t left her apartment block for two months now.¬† I do think there’s a mental health benefit to going outdoors and I’m reluctant to lose it.


I’m still thinking about religious stuff.¬† Community stuff first:

This is a comment I left on a previous post that I thought worth adding here, as I don’t think I’ve said it in a post before:

I’m still hopeful about finding a Modern Orthodox shul [synagogue] in America if I marry E.¬† Unfortunately, in the UK, most people who go to MO [Modern Orthodox] shuls are not frum [religious] at all. They are just traditional [keep elements of Judaism, but not the entirety of Jewish law], and I find it hard to connect with them.¬† My parents’ shul is MO and is fairly frum as MO shuls go. I used to go there (and do go there sometimes in the week), but it’s a bad fit for so many reasons: too big, too much talking in services, a chazan [cantor] and a choir I can’t stand and, because it’s my parents’ shul, I have no identity of my own there, I’m just my parents’ son.

I didn’t add that that’s the only really local Modern Orthodox¬†shul.¬† There is apparently one the other side of the town, but it would take me ages to walk there and one can’t go by car or public transport on¬†Shabbat (the Sabbath), so everywhere has to be walking distance.


I’ve also been thinking more theological stuff.

I think my understanding of God is quite abstract.¬† To be honest, once you really get involved in Jewish theology or mysticism, God becomes pretty abstract.¬† Richard Dawkins’ “jealous angry God of the Old Testament,” as well as being an ancient antisemitic polemic, isn’t anything that educated Jews ever believed.¬† I’m wary of simplistic statements like, “God is love,” “God is life,” “God is existence,” “God is the Infinite,” “God is the Other,” but any of those would be nearer to what I believe in than The Angry Old Man in the Sky.

At the same time, we’re supposed to believe we can have a personal relationship with God, on some level, and that’s hard when I believe in something so abstract and impersonal even though I don’t think there’s any theological reason preventing it.¬† I just struggle to see it in my life.¬† I also struggle to connect with Someone who has made me suffer so much.¬† Even if I believe it’s for my ultimate good, it’s hard to connect when I’m just afraid that things will get worse “for my own good.”¬† It’s not that I don’t believe good can come of suffering, because I do, I just feel I can’t cope with any more of it.


I also wonder what will happen to the people I care about after death.¬† I don’t really care what happens to me, particularly as Judaism doesn’t believe in eternal damnation and non-existence doesn’t bother me conceptually.¬† Still, I wonder what will happen to my friends and family who aren’t frum or who even are atheists.

Judaism is pretty vague about the afterlife.¬† I won’t go through the theology, from the almost total lack of mention in¬†Tanakh (the Hebrew Bible), to its importance in the Pharisee-Sadducee split, the six (actually seven) questions asked of souls in the afterlife in the Talmud,¬† “All Israel have a share in The World to Come,” “The righteous of the nations have a share in The World to Come,” the Rambam’s Thirteen Principles of Faith, and so on.¬† It’s just that people don’t discuss it much, certainly not compared with Christianity (and possibly also Islam).

Growing up, I got the impression that most people (or most Jews?¬† This was vague) has a share in the Next Work (“go to Heaven” in Christian-speak).¬† The previous rabbi at my shul seemed to think that almost no one has a share in the Next World.¬† Rabbi Lord Sacks got in trouble years ago for saying all religions are sources of valid truth for non-Jews.¬† I worry about friends and family who aren’t so religious, or religious at all.¬† It is hard to know what to believe about something that is so rarely explicitly addressed.¬† Jews don’t really do theology overtly, only disguised in mysticism or Midrash (narrative).¬† We just assume God will sort everything out in the end.¬† Maybe that’s the best approach.


Part of the¬†shiur this evening was about¬†Sefer Vayikra (The Book of Leviticus) being about how to have a personal relationship with God, but I felt that this was not developed so much.¬† It’s something for me to think about though –¬†tzarich iyun (this requires investigation).


I spoke about some of these worries in therapy today.¬† I also spoke about the fact that Judaism teaches that everyone has their own mission and their own expectations of what they can do, but that it can be hard to do that when the community has a “one size fits all” approach and there is a fear of stigma, both from depression and autism and from not fitting in completely with Jewish law.¬† The therapist did say that regarding my relationship with, even if E. and I didn’t have differences about religion and a need to compromise there, there would be other things we needed to compromise about.


Just because I can’t avoid religion at the moment, the next¬†Star Trek: Voyager episode I watched to relax after therapy involved one of the characters having a near-death experience and then deciding that the afterlife is a lie as he didn’t experience it.¬† This might have been more affecting if he had mentioned his religious beliefs at all over the last three and a half years.¬† Star Trek generally assumes that religion is something clever people and cultures grow out of sooner or later.


I was thinking about the fact that my autism assessment has been delayed months by COVID-19 lockdown.¬† The NHS hadn’t given me an idea of when it would be even before lockdown (ūüĎŹūüĎŹūüĎŹ), but eighteen months was the likely amount.¬† It’s been on hold with lockdown so it will be eighteen months after things get back to normal, whenever that is.

My relationship with E. has been on hold too.¬† Not literally, as we’re still Skype dating, but we wanted to move it on.¬† E. was trying to come over here at some point this year so we could spend some time together.¬† Now we don’t know if that will happen until next year.¬† I’m still hopeful it might happen this year.¬† But our hopes of having a romantic time in the summer doing outdoors stuff like going to parks and outdoor attractions is looking less and less likely.¬† It’s more likely to be a wet and cold November or December (although if E. is her for Chanukah that might be nice, at least if she’s up for visiting my parents).


It was difficult to get going today.¬† I just struggled to do anything other than sit in front of my laptop in my pyjamas.¬† I wasn’t even reading anything, just flicking through pages, too depressed to get dressed.

Later, I had my windows open and could hear our neighbour’s teenage son “learning” Talmud with another boy, both speaking very fast, throwing concepts around in fluent¬†Yeshivish (mixture of English, Hebrew, Yiddish and Aramaic, rather incomprehensible to anyone who hasn’t spent a lot of time with Orthodox Jews, or rather Orthodox Jewish men as it’s something acquired in the men-only environment of yeshiva (rabbinical seminary)).¬† I feel bad that I can’t study like that.¬† It’s not just that I can’t study Talmud like that, I can’t study¬†any Jewish texts like that, in a chevruta (paired study).¬† I’m not sure how much is social anxiety about not wanting to seem stupid, how much autistic issues about thinking quickly on my feet and interacting with my study partner and how much just the way my brain functions.

I tell myself that I wouldn’t thrive in a community where only one, very narrow, form of knowledge is valued, not even Torah/Jewish studies in general, but just Talmud and really only the halakhic (legal) parts of Talmud.¬† That’s some consolation, but I still feel my life would be better on several levels if I could study and understand Talmud better (it would help with my thoughts for future novels).¬† It probably is true that, if I want to write reasonably literate novels with a Jewish background at least partially for a Jewish audience, then I have to be roughly where I am.¬† Any more¬†frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) and I probably wouldn’t see writing as a worthwhile activity; any less frum and I wouldn’t have the inside knowledge to write about Judaism and Jewish life.¬† Still, I feel like I’m walking a weird tightrope sometimes, and I do sometimes wish I had spent a year in¬†yeshiva (rabbinical seminary), even thought I probably would have found it awful from an autistic and social anxiety perspective.

I tried to work on my novel, but it was hard to focus for some reason.¬† It didn’t help that I was distracted by noise not only from the teenagers learning next door, but from ongoing building works somewhere nearby.¬† I’m not sure if they are supposed to be at work, but they have been for some days now, if not longer.¬† I got a load of emails too, which probably didn’t distract me so much as allow me to procrastinate more easily, but they didn’t help.¬† I did write about 500 words in an hour and a half or so, which isn’t too bad.¬† I’m glad when I’m just making progress.

I went for a walk, but I am still getting panicked by all the people outdoors and the difficulty of avoiding them.¬† I worry not so much for my own health, but for fear of infecting Mum with her compromised immunity.¬† However, I don’t think I should stay indoors all the time.¬† It’s difficult.¬† Maybe I should start doing some aerobics instead of/as well as running (which might be a good idea anyway, to use different muscles).


I’ve nearly finished¬†Decalog 2, the¬†Doctor Who short story collection I’m reading.¬† I’m getting a bit bored of re-reading¬†Doctor Who novels, and re-reading in general.¬† I don’t have any unread novels that I feel like reading right now (generally they’re too heavy) and I’m trying not to mail order stuff during lockdown.¬† I fancy something a bit meatier anyway, so I’m looking at my non-fiction shelves, probably either¬†The Islamist (Ed Hussein’s account of his experiences with radical Islam) or¬†The Siege Connor Cruise O’Brien’s political history of the modern State of Israel.¬† The latter is dated (it was written in the mid-eighties), but had an intriguingly good review on¬†The Jewish Review of Books a while back as still a valid and worthwhile work.

Either book would violate my “no heavy books in lockdown” but I’m getting a bit sick of just reading fluff to avoid upsetting myself.¬† I would probably balance with some Batman graphic novels for when I’m not feeling so intellectual.

Writing Fiction, Writing Autobiography

I struggled to get going again today.¬† I just felt completely drained.¬† I’m not sure how long I spent on my novel today.¬† I tried to write more of it, but managed only about two hundred words and hit a wall.¬† I decided that the chapter was finished and proofread it, but I’m open to the idea that that decision may be a result of depression and I will have more to add on another day.¬† Reading over it, some of the earlier parts of the chapter were definitely quite good, but it’s a mixed bag overall.¬† Again, the surreal interludes are both more enjoyable to write and seem to be better written on re-reading.¬† The chapter weighs in at just over 4,000 words, which is a little short.¬† To be honest, the novel as a whole is probably a little on the short side (it’s currently around 30,000 words, depending on whether or not I include the prologue), but I’m hoping the second draft will expand a bit.

To be honest, I’m struggling a bit to keep going with the novel at the moment.¬† In the abstract, I think it’s a story worth telling, but I’m not at all convinced that I’m telling it well plus I worry that the autobiographical bit is of no interest to anyone other than me; likewise that the character most like me is boring, irritating and self-obsessed.¬† Am I just projecting my low self-esteem?¬† Or is it true?¬† It’s upsetting to feel that my life story isn’t interesting to anyone else, let alone that I’m a boring, annoying drama queen.¬† At least I have some ideas for other novels that would be very different in style and content from the semi-autobiographical novel of character dealing with Big Issues that I’m currently writing.¬† If nothing else, writing this novel has convinced me that whatever future I may or may not have as a writer, it’s not as a writer of highbrow literary fiction, perhaps sadly, but perhaps fortunately.

It’s funny because Bryony Gordon has a new book out that was being promoted in the newspaper yesterday, and she’s written so much about her issues, and I find myself wondering how she’s managed to do that.¬† Admittedly her issues inspired her to do crazy, impulsive, hedonistic, dangerous things that were probably bad at the time, but led to good stories, whereas my issues tied me to a life of… not quite monkish abstinence, but very little actually happening, just a lot of sitting around feeling lonely and miserable.


I went for a run, which helped my mood a bit.¬† It was good running weather: dry, but cold.¬† I like the bracing feeling of running in the cold, like swimming in the sea in winter (not that I’ve ever tried that).¬† I Skyped E. too; we have a routine now of studying some of¬†Pirkei Avot (the part of the¬†Talmud dealing with ethics) on Sunday (at her suggestion, I should add – I’m not forcing religion on her!).¬† So I felt better after the run and Skyping E. although it is hard not knowing when we will be able to spend time together in person.

Very Short Post

I was going to be good and not go online after Shabbat (the Sabbath), but I needed to put my computer on to send an email and record some writing ideas, so I thought I would say hi.

The¬†shul Zoom Kaballat Shabbat (synagogue Zoom Friday evening service) was not great.¬† I had a lot of social anxiety, worried people could see my room, worried people would think I had switched off my webcam when it simply doesn’t work for more than a minute or two, worried I could be heard even with my microphone muted, just generally worried…¬† They got everyone to mute their microphones, but it meant it didn’t sound particularly loud and “together,” if that makes sense.¬† I probably won’t do that again.¬† To be honest, I think using Zoom for more than three or four people just freaks me out and confuses me a bit and I’m not sure why (probably an autism thing).

I seem to wake up around 8am and go back to sleep because I worry I haven’t had enough sleep or simply feel too overwhelmed to start the day.¬† I think I need to try to get up then and stay up, somehow, as it would get me some more time in the day.

That was it, really.

Oh, I get emails from various library blogs for work reasons.¬† I opened my email after Shabbat and found that The New York Public Library blog has just posted a massive list of “raised Orthodox, rebelled, became secular” fiction and non-fiction to go with Unorthodox.¬† I know I said the other day that I don’t think there’s a massive conspiracy of publishers to promote leaving Orthodox Judaism and to silence people who join it, but it seemed a bit much not to put¬†any books that present Orthodox Judaism in a positive light on the list, not even Chaim Potok’s The Chosen and its sequel The Promise or My Name is Asher Lev and its sequel The Gift of Asher Lev, both of which deal with people who defy the conventions of their Orthodox upbringing while not entirely burning their bridges with the community and still remaining fairly religious.


I found the last two days of¬†Pesach (Passover) a struggle.¬† I was still dealing with some religious OCD from earlier in the week.¬† Added to this was depression, anxiety and pure O OCD (obsessively worrying I’m a bad person who could do illegal things).¬† The latter has not been seen for a long time and I was upset by its return, although in many ways it’s easier to deal with than the other OCD.

I did the usual¬†Yom Tov (festival) stuff: pray, eat too much, sleep too much, go for one government-sanctioned exercise walk each day, study Torah and read.¬† I didn’t do so much¬†Torah study or recreational reading as last week, as I was feeling too depressed and anxious.¬† I finished¬†The Ritual Bath, a mystery novel set in the¬†Haredi community, and decided that I don’t like police procedural mystery novels as much as Golden Age mystery novels.¬† I think I prefer impossible crimes, locked rooms, bizarre clues and eccentric detectives to sordid crimes, gangs, detectives with dysfunctional lives and mundane police work.¬† I started re-reading Decalog, a¬†Doctor Who short story collection that I know I have read, but about which I can remember very little.

After Yom Tov ended, I helped with the big tidying up, even though I felt very tired and depressed and drank Coke Zero (I prefer Diet Coke) and ate chocolate to try to get energy, without much success.  I accidentally broke a dish that previously belonged to my grandmother and that was older than I am (from the seventies).  I put it in a cardboard box that I thought was sealed at the bottom, but the sellotape had rotted or been pulled away and the dish fell through.

Eventually I became exhausted and had to stop helping, although I would have liked to have continued.


I have a feeling today that I’m not coping so well.¬† I had various coping strategies and some of them were very maladaptive, but I stuck with them for lack of alternatives.¬† Now I can’t use them and I wonder how I will cope.¬† Maybe I’m catastrophising.¬† I hope so.¬† I wish I was in therapy still.¬† I feel being able to talk to someone objective would help.


I had a weird dream where I stood for election as chairman of my¬†shul (synagogue).¬† I only stood to see if I could get any votes, as I thought someone else would win, but there was a split vote between the two leading candidates and I won.¬† I panicked, thinking I couldn’t cope with this, especially not with my mental health situation and Mum’s illness, but before I could resign, I was removed by the community, who felt I wasn’t involved enough in the shul and that I didn’t rebuke people enough for break Jewish law.¬† Then the dream shifted into upsetting stuff about antisemitism.


There probably is more to say, but I feel exhausted.¬† I’m thinking of watching TV even though it’s really late, as I don’t think I’ll sleep, despite exhaustion, as I slept too much today, as well as drinking caffeinated Coke Zero.


It looks like Mum’s cancer isn’t one of the ones requiring twelve week isolation, which is good.

I went for a half-hour walk and posted my medical certificate for benefits, which arrived from the doctor today.¬† I’m not sure when I should hear if I still qualify for ESA.¬† I’m going to try to take exercise most days, either walking or jogging.¬† While walking, I listened to an Intimate Judaism podcast on sexual abuse and halakhah (Jewish law) that turned out to be somewhat relevant to my novel, although that was not my original reason for listening.

Afterwards, I spent thirty-five minutes working on things to say at the sederim over Pesach (Passover), editing some essays by Rabbi Lord Sacks down to get the relevant points and writing a mini-devar Torah (Torah thought) about having sederim at the time of coronavirus.

The approach to¬†Pesach is one of the times of the year when Jewish charities send out appeals.¬† It’s horrible to look at where I am this year and see that I have little to give and so many people in need, particularly with the damage coronavirus is inflicting on the economy, particularly for people on low income jobs.¬† I have to think hard about where money would be best spent, which is horrible.¬† I hate not being able to give more.


The above was written before the lockdown announcement.¬† I walked in while that was on the news.¬† I found it quite frightening.¬† I had a whole bunch of thoughts go through my head, perhaps not all rational: should I still go to my blood test tomorrow?¬† Will we get all the Pesach food we still need (particularly romaine lettuce for maror, the bitter herbs for the sederim)?¬† Will we be OK cleaning and kashering our ovens without disassembling the fan?¬† How will I cope going months on end without a haircut?¬† I have very thick frizzy hair, I could be a ball of fuzz by the time the barbers open again.¬† I had some vague worries about exercise even though one period of outdoor exercise a day is still permitted.¬† Some of my worries were more “out there”¬† – worrying if I would get arrested while walking to and from my blood test tomorrow, which isn’t that likely, but autistic fear of change + social anxiety = crazy fears.¬† I do wonder how my parents feel about indefinite separation from my sister.

The announcement completely threw me, even though it’s not unexpected and it took me a while to come back to normal.¬† My stomach cramps have come back, looking more psychosomatic than ever.¬† Autism doesn’t like change and uncertainty, and change and uncertainty is what we will have for the next few months/year.¬† It’s hard to know what to do.¬† In a strange way, Pesach might be a bit easier than in a non-lockdown state.¬† It is a principal of Jewish law that “ones Rachmana patrei” “The Merciful One exempts the coerced from punishment” i.e. if we try to do the right thing and are prevented by external events, it doesn’t matter.¬† Perhaps I will feel less psychological pressure even as we feel greater physical difficulty?¬† On this note, the London Beit Din (rabbinical court) sent out a list of food items that would normally require special Pesach supervision, but which this year they are permitting without supervision.¬† I think milk was the main one that might affect us, although Mum thinks we live in an area with enough Jewish shops that we should get some, even if we have to buy it just one or two pints each day.

I’m still telling myself stupid jokes to keep going.¬† On hearing that weddings and baptisms are to be stopped, but funerals permitted, I said, “That’s good, I was afraid I would be late for my own funeral!”¬† I guess it’s gallows humour.¬† My parents laughed.¬† I keep feeling really hot and worrying that I’m coming down with a fever, then realising that my parents have the central heating up high again.

The thought that occurred to me is that we’re going to end up like E. M. Forster’s The Machine Stops, all living underground in isolation.¬† We will all go separately when we go, as Tom Lehrer might have sung.


I didn’t get time to do much after the lockdown announcement.¬† I polished some of the silverware while watching Star Trek Voyager.¬† It’s another day when I’ve prioritised health, Pesach and helping around the home over writing.¬† I did actually try to do half an hour of writing, but I ran out of concentration after fifteen minutes and decided it was better to get off the computer as close as possible to 11pm than to carry on trying to write.

Writer’s Angst

I wasn’t going to blog today.¬† Not very much worth recording happened over¬†Shabbat (the Sabbath).¬† I have to up early (OK, not early, but early for me) tomorrow to speak to my rabbi (which I’m nervous about).¬† But I am having difficult thoughts about my novel.

E. likes what I’ve written so far, but the more I think about it, the less happy I feel about it.¬† The novel is a novel of character about a bunch of characters in their twenties, religious Jews who meet at Oxford.¬† The bits I’ve written so far are largely about a depressed, high functioning autistic Orthodox Jewish Doctor Who fan (write about what you know).¬† Later there will be stuff from more outside my comfort zone about an abusive relationship.¬† Strangely, I feel more looking forward to that than what I’m writing now.¬† I feel that what I’ve written so is not the type of book I would read, and that just seems wrong.¬† Wrong as in it won’t be good if I’m writing against my inclination.¬† I wouldn’t generally read novels of character like this unless there was another point of interest for me, but I do sometimes read books simply for featuring mental illness, autism, or Orthodox Judaism (I’m unaware of books about Doctor Who fans).¬† Probably not as much as I should do to write a book like this, but then there aren’t so many books about these types of characters.¬† I don’t think I can relate easily to characters in modern novels of character.

The problem really is that the type of books I read, and TV programmes I watch, tell very different stories to the one I’m trying to tell not to mention the ideas I’ve had ideas about for future books.¬† That’s partly because people aren’t writing so much fiction about the mentally ill and almost none is written about the Orthodox world.¬† In the latter camp was Chaim Potok, who I like, and some recent Israeli films and TV, but not much else.¬† I haven’t seen Shtisel, the Israeli Netflix drama about a¬†Haredi family, but David Aaronovitch wrote a hugely patronising column in the¬†Jewish Chronicle a while back about watching it and discovering that Orthodox Jews actually have feelings like normal human beings; if nothing else, that shows how unrepresented the Orthodox world is in fiction.

As for what I do read and watch… well, looking at my bookshelves, and focusing on things that I would like to write like rather than read (I like golden age detective novels, but doubt I could ever write one), in books there’s Chaim Potok, as I mentioned.¬† Jorge Luis Borges, Franz Kafka and Philip K. Dick are my favourite novelists.¬† I like Ursula K. le Guin a lot, and The Third Policeman by Flann O’Brien is a book I’ve been thinking about a lot recently.¬† Umberto Eco’s The Name of the Rose and Ted Chiang’s short stories are probably also books that I would like to be influenced by.

Looking at TV, it becomes even clearer that I like weird stuff.¬† Not necessarily straightforward science fiction or fantasy though.¬† I guess I like the point where realism and science fiction/fantasy blend in to each other.¬† A lot of Doctor Who falls here, as do the Emma Peel episodes of The Avengers,¬†The Prisoner and Sapphire and Steel.¬†¬†Jonathan Creek isn’t science fiction or fantasy at all, but has a similar atmosphere – and we’re definitely talking¬†atmosphere more than genre (Doctor Who is definitely about atmosphere and not about genre purity).

The reason I’m writing this is that tonight I started watching Life on Mars, which for a bunch of reasons (most of which boiling down to “I’m autistic and scared of doing new things in case I don’t like them”) I didn’t watch when it originally aired in 2006 and the first episode was very much the kind of thing I’d like to do, not in terms of genre (police procedurals don’t interest me that much), but in terms of jumping between ‘realist’ and ‘surreal/possibly fantasy’ threads or images.¬† But I don’t think that would really fit into the novel as I’ve started to write it.¬† But maybe that just means I’ve taken a wrong turning and need to go back and start again.

A side-light on that: E. thinks that the protagonist’s Jewish identity isn’t strong enough, in terms of what he feels rather than does.¬† This is probably reflective of my own feelings of being stuck in Orthodopraxy (Jewish observance) rather than passionate observance.¬† It’s hard to write about other people’s feelings when I have a condition that makes it hard for me to understand my own feelings, let alone other people’s.

I will carry on writing for now.¬† I want to get a first draft finished by the end of the year.¬† (I think I was originally aiming for the end of the Jewish year in the autumn, but that doesn’t look so likely at the moment.)¬† I will still aim for that.¬† Once I have a complete draft, I can think about what works and what doesn’t, maybe ask some other people’s opinions, although I’m wary of doing that.¬† I’m not even sure if it was a good idea to show E. what I have shown her, but I felt I needed encouragement.

Still Burnt Out

I’m still feeling burnt out from Sunday.¬† It can take me a while to recuperate from busy days, and Sunday was very busy.¬† I had the usual struggles to get up and get going with depression and exhaustion.¬† The depression and exhaustion stayed for most of the day and there were intermittent worries about the future (near and immediate).¬† Although the depression and exhaustion they fluctuated, at times they felt worse than yesterday rather than better.¬† I think I’ve had this before, when I’m exhausted for several days and the second day is worse than the first.¬† I wonder what the reason is.

I tried to do some things, although it was still like wading through quicksand.¬† I did some Torah study, although not as much as I would have liked.¬† I read The Art of Biblical Poetry for about twenty-five minutes and had a cursory look over the content of last Shabbat‘s Talmud shiur (religious class) again as I’m supposed to do on my not-very-closely-followed weekly Torah study schedule.¬† I also cooked dinner.¬† I’m not entirely sure when I’m going to work on this week’s Torah thought, as I don’t really know what I’m going to say and I’m running out of time to research.¬† I don’t want to skip a week just as I’ve been trying to get people to read it.


I tried to get hold of my rabbi mentor, but he’s super-busy and then away.¬† I hope to speak to him at some point fairly soon.¬† It made me wonder if I should try to book a few sessions with my old therapist, as there’s a lot going on in my head at the moment: Mum’s cancer; my relationship with E. (which is good, but working out how we move it on is terrifying); my unemployment and fears it will be permanent; the stress of the coming Jewish festivals; and probably more stuff I can’t think of now…

I spoke to my parents about it, to check there was money available to pay her.¬† They felt it was worth booking a few sessions.¬† Mum said she has been worried about me lately, which made me feel bad, but I’m not entirely sure what “bad” is here.¬† I wasn’t exactly guilty or ashamed, but somehow it felt wrong for her to be worrying about me at the moment when she’s the one with the tumour.


I haven’t worked on my novel for a couple of weeks.¬† I’ve been focusing my creative energy on getting my non-fiction Doctor Who book published.¬† I feel that the novel is not going exactly the way I want, but it’s hard to work out why.¬† Related to this is a decrease in confidence and excitement about writing fiction.¬† Some is my natural tendency to self-criticism and the way depression blunts excitement and energy.¬† Some is that I am still at the beginning of learning how to write a novel and, realistically, some of it is probably quite bad, or at least unpolished.

However, I think some of it is that my tastes tend to be quite stylised and/or surreal.¬† Authors like Franz Kafka, Jorge Luis Borges and Philip K. Dick or TV programmes like Doctor Who,¬†The Prisoner and¬†Sapphire and Steel.¬† I suppose some of it is experiencing the world as strange and threatening because of autism and mental illness, so I want to see that reflected in fiction, but some of it is just admiring art that has a strong vision e.g.¬†Blade Runner and 2001: A Space Odyssey, which are strange in parts, but also create very clear worlds that are very different to our own even in the more “normal” parts.

That’s not really where my novel is or where any of the ideas I have for future novels are and I wonder why I’m writing things that aren’t exactly what I want to read.¬† That may be inevitable.¬† My novel and my ideas for future novels are really about Jewish fiction that is meaningfully about religious Jews, our lives, our thoughts, our beliefs and hopes.¬† Few contemporary authors are interested in the Jewish community in that way.

My novel so far is very realistic, although I have a more surreal dream sequence planned for a later chapter, but I wonder if I should try to expand on that style if I can do it without it being too jarring.¬† I intended to do that when I started writing, to try to reflect the way I perceive the world as strange, illogical and frightening sometimes, but it has been hard to do, partly because the times when I see the world as frightening and strange are usually when I’m too depressed to write; even if I’m writing, I feel I don’t have the vocabulary or skills to put into words what I feel, even here, let alone in fiction.¬† On the other hand, I worry about scaring people off if my book, which appears initially like a standard love triangle with added mental illness and Jewish colour, suddenly goes off into The Third Policeman territory (to pick a very good novel, in my opinion, that wasn’t published in the author’s lifetime because it was so surreal and sinister, although it’s probably on my mind because it seemed to be referenced by Ascension of the Cybermen, last Sunday’s Doctor Who episode).

I worry that the book isn’t Jewish enough or fannish enough either, but maybe a little goes a long way there too.


Speaking of fannish stuff, I’m feeling a bit of buyer’s remorse with¬†Star Trek Voyager.¬† I’m halfway through series two and while there have been few truly awful episodes, there haven’t been any great ones.¬† Most series of¬†Star Trek take a while to get going and season two of¬†Voyager is apparently considered proverbially bad, so I’m hoping things will pick up once we get to season three (of seven).¬† But it is a bit of a struggle to watch at the moment when I’m looking for something light and fast-paced.¬† I might watch some¬†Doctor Who or¬†The Avengers before bed, as I need cheering up and feel too depressed and exhausted to read.

I don’t have buyer’s remorse about reading the graphic novel V for Vendetta as I borrowed it from the library, but I do have mixed feelings about it.¬† It’s written by Alan Moore, who is one of the biggest names in comics, and drawn by David Lloyd.¬† It’s a dystopian story of an anarchist rebelling against a future Fascist UK government (future when the comic was written, but past now, which makes it feel like like a weird alternate timeline that would not have been the effect at the time of publication).¬† The atmosphere is good, what I have termed ‘austeritypunk’ (after the ‘cyberpunk’ and ‘steampunk’ sub-genres), by which I mean a future that evokes the imagery, technology and fashions of the 1940s and 50s.¬† It’s diverting and evocative, but I don’t entirely believe the world-building or the characterisation and I feel the hero/anti-hero is let off to easily for doing terrible things.¬† Plus, the art, while appropriately bleak, is confusing – I struggle to tell the characters apart, and the dialogue doesn’t always help.¬† This all contrasts unfavourably with Moore’s previous graphic novel Watchmen, which was much better in every way.

I feel it would reward a second reading and maybe be better and certainly easier to read, but it’s also so grim that I’m not sure that I can bear to read it again.


There were a few flowers in bloom in the garden last week.¬† There are a lot more today.¬† The days are a little longer, albeit that they are still short.¬† Spring is on the way, and on the whole that’s a good thing, despite some nervousness about the spring festivals of Purim and¬†Pesach.¬† It is true that when the stress and potential religious OCD hazards of¬†Pesach swing around, the days will be a bit longer and brighter and I will hopefully be able to draw strength from that that I can’t access now.¬† I stopped using my SAD light box for a few days, but maybe that was a mistake; I might use it again tomorrow.¬† It’s not spring yet.

Mum’s Results

My Mum got her test results today.¬† The good news is that the cancer hasn’t spread beyond where they already knew it is (breast and lymph) and that it is treatable.¬† The bad news is that treatment (chemotherapy, surgery and radiotherapy) will take about a year, including recovery, so 2020 looks like being a stressful year for all of us.¬† We don’t have a proper treatment plan yet, so I’m assuming that is only a rough plan; I’m not sure exactly how that would differ from an official treatment plan.

This is a side of the NHS I’m not used to seeing: fast, friendly and effective.¬† I think Mum even has a support nurse who she can turn to with questions and for emotional support.¬† It’s scary how different mental healthcare provision is from cancer treatment.¬† I’m not sure why mental healthcare is so under-resourced, whether it’s stigma and public apathy or simply the fact that mental healthcare is very labour-intensive.¬† Psychotherapy in particular can go on for years with no clear end in sight, making mental health a potentially bottomless pit for funding.

The prognosis seems to be good, but it’s scary to be suddenly confronted with my parents’ mortality.¬† I’ve never entirely been independent from them because of my depression (and, perhaps, on some level, because of the autism) and I’ve worried in the abstract in the past about how I would cope without them, but this makes it all more real.¬† I’m also wondering how it will alter the family dynamic.¬† I’m used to being the only person who is ill and now that will change, which is likely to be disconcerting to all of us, at the very least.

My sister and brother-in-law came over in the evening to eat dinner and discuss my Mum’s treatment.¬† We had a reasonably good time, despite the conversation being initially very serious.


I seem to be struggling with sleep even more than usual since Mum has been ill.¬† I’ve gone from sleeping ten hours a night to twelve hours, and I wake feeling exhausted and depressed enough that I would probably sleep more, or at least stay in bed longer, if Dad didn’t insist that I get up.¬† I know it’s not surprising, as sleeping more is always the first sign of depression in me and the last thing to improve (I haven’t really had a fully healthy sleep pattern since my teens), but it is frustrating.¬† It’s pushing me into a more nocturnal life, as I stay up late because I’m not tired and because I want to accomplish some of the things I didn’t manage during the day, but that probably just perpetuates the problem.

Although I felt a bit better after breakfast, I still struggled to get dressed and start the day.¬† Perhaps that was inevitable given that Mum had her big appointment.¬† Maybe I was unconsciously trying to push it off somehow.¬† Even after lunch I felt listless and unwilling to do anything.¬† I tried to practise self-care, turn down the Shoulds and so on, but it’s hard.¬† I still struggle to turn off the Shoulds and the self-criticism for fear of turning into a bad person.¬† I don’t think genuinely bad people are much bothered by self-criticism and I’m worried that if I stop criticising myself, I will turn into a bad person.

I did manage to do a few things.¬† I signed up for my local public library on their website, which I had neglected to do since we moved here.¬† I stopped using my public library when I went to university because I didn’t want to risk losing public library books by taking them up to Oxford, and then I got out of the public library habit because I got into the charity shop habit.¬† I can be possessive about books anyway and buying books for ¬£1 from charity shops reinforced that and created an expanding To Read pile that I felt I should address before borrowing other books.¬† Still, if I’m going to be unemployed for a while, it makes sense to join the library, particularly if I need to do research for writing projects.¬† Plus, I’ve come to accept that a lot of the books on my To Read pile are going to stay there indefinitely; when I’m depressed (and it seems I will be depressed for the foreseeable future), I’m not realistically going to read The Iliad or heavy non-fiction or to re-read books like¬†Great Expectations and¬†Crime and Punishment, much as part of me would like to.

I felt too distracted to do much that was useful today, at least until Mum phoned after her appointment.¬† I spent some time working on my bibliography, but was easily distracted.¬† I managed to write up about fifteen references.¬† I’m now about halfway through the bibliography, but some of the remaining references will require a lot of work to locate, and to find out how to reference properly (I need to check how to reference DVD production subtitles and supporting features).¬† I’m hoping to get it finished by the end of next week.


Chaconia commented to say that I might still be eligible for ESA (benefits), but I’m feeling quite confused by the whole situation.¬† I should probably find some time to sit down and work out how many National Insurance credits I have, if I’m still getting them and if there are any benefits I might be eligible for.¬† I find the government benefits website rather confusing to navigate, perhaps deliberately.


As if knowing I would need cheering up, my Doctor Who sonic screwdrivers arrived moments after Mum and Dad got home.¬† They are pleasingly chunky and usable, with sound effects and, in some cases, lights and extendable parts.¬† I suspect that the ones seen on TV more recently were designed with merchandising opportunities in mind, for collectors and cosplayers (people who dress up as fictional characters) as much as for children.¬† I suppose now I officially count as a cosplayer myself, if my Tom Baker/fourth Doctor scarf didn’t already qualify me.¬† To be honest, three of the six screwdrivers in the set are virtually identical to each other, but the other three are all very different designs, so I’m glad I spent the extra ¬£10 to buy the set rather than just buying the fourth Doctor one and maybe spending more to buy another one somewhere down the line.¬† I showed them to my family after dinner and everyone was impressed, although I haven’t told anyone exactly how much they cost – at nearly ¬£40 it was rather more than I am usually willing to pay for a fairly frivolous purchase and an impulsive one at that, but given that I don’t usually spend that much money on things, I think I can be forgiven one frivolous expense at a time of emotional stress.¬† It is making me rather more excited about Purim, which was the purpose of the exercise, although there’s another month to go.


I overslept again, had weird dreams that were disturbing, but too confused to relate and I struggled to get going, feeling too drained and depressed.  Feeling tearful at times and not sure why.

I was still beating myself up about things as I tried to eat breakfast and get dressed, albeit different things recently.¬† I feel like I’m cycling through different negative emotions lately: anxiety, despair, now guilt.¬† At the moment negative thoughts are sort of blocked out by a stomach ache that I’ve had on and off for a couple of weeks.¬† I think it’s a medication side-effect, but want to try to get an appointment with a doctor to check, if I can manage to get one (they usually get taken really fast when released at 8.30am (when I’m asleep anyway) and 6.30pm).

I went for a run, did forty-five minutes of Torah study, Skyped E. for an hour and a half or so and spoke to my sister on the phone for ten or fifteen minutes.¬† I also started to work on self-publishing my non-fiction Doctor Who book (remembering to stress that it’s “unofficial and unauthorised” on the title page so I don’t hear from the BBC’s lawyers).¬† It looks a bit harder than I was expecting.¬† Also, it seems that the formatting guidelines I’ve been following for pitching stuff are out of date (is this why I’m having such trouble selling my writing?).¬† If anyone knows of good online submission layout guidelines, I’d be grateful!

Lulu.com requires the entire book as a single document in a pdf.¬† I spent nearly an hour and a half late at night (yes, I’m still quasi-nocturnal) copying and pasting chapters saved as separate files into a single document and then adjusting the font.¬† I’ve still got some stuff to do to take away the notation I thought I should use for layout and italics when submitting to publishers.¬† I also need to add a few sentences to explain that the book went to press too early to cover 2020’s episodes (I’m too busy with my novel to return to the Doctor Who book for long enough to significantly revise the final chapter).¬† I’m also publishing as “Initials, Surname” rather than “First name, Surname” to distinguish this non-fiction Doctor Who writing from anything else I might ever publish (hopefully, one day) and might not want to see associated with self-published work in a different genre.

I guess that’s quite a bit done, even if much of it was later than I should really have been working.¬† I wish I felt more satisfaction and pride in achieving things like this, rather than just blaming myself for not managing more.¬† I guess that takes me back to guilt and self-recrimination.


I finished Penguin Lost last  night.  It was good, but not as good as Death and the Penguin, although maybe after over fifteen years my memory of the earlier book is wonky.  Slightly weird ending though.

I’m glad to say I enjoyed¬†Doctor Who today, even though I didn’t understand it all (I was going to say it made very little sense, but I’ll give it the benefit of the doubt) and I still have no idea where the plot-device antidote came from.

No Man Is an Island

… and that goes double for members of traditional communities, who find themselves with strong communal obligations, but not necessarily communal support.¬† To put it another way, I had a good Shabbat (Sabbath) on a personal level, but a not so good one on a communal level.

On the plus side, I did a chunk of Torah study and mostly followed the Talmud shiur (class) this week.¬† I had mild insomnia again, but I read quite a bit of the novel I’ve just started, Penguin Lost, the sequel to the novel Death and the Penguin, about a Ukrainian obituary writer and his pet penguin who get involved with the Russian Mafia.¬† I read the first book in the worst period of my life, the winter of 2003-04, when I was in Oxford, depressed, suicidal, feeling desperately lonely and unable to work, but my tutors wanted me to stick around to see if my antidepressants could kick in at some point (they didn’t).¬† I’m not sure why I decided to read it then, as it has comedic elements, but is dark.¬† The sequel came out fairly soon afterwards, but I didn’t get it, although I enjoyed the first book, as I didn’t feel like re-reading the first one in preparation.¬† I eventually decided that Death and the Penguin lingers in my memory much more strongly than books I’ve read far more recently, so I might as well just get the sequel and read it.¬† So far it’s good, but not as good as the first one, although I might be mis-remembering after sixteen years.

The other good things were not freaking out with religious OCD when someone did something that I would not have done, but which my rabbi mentor tells me is OK; and not being jealous of the person my age at shul (synagogue) whose eldest son was bar mitzvah.¬† I think I can see other people’s lives as just so ridiculously different to mine that there is no point even getting upset over the differences any more.¬† While it’s still possible that I’ll work full-time, get married and have kids some day, it’s clearly not happening any time soon.

On the downside…

As I mentioned, there was a bar mitzvah in¬†shul over¬†Shabbat so there were a lot of extra people on Friday night and I couldn’t sit in my regular seat or anywhere near it.¬† This is the type of thing that I used to think didn’t worry me in an autistic way, but I now realise actually does throw me, particularly if there are knock-on social anxiety implications.¬† In this case, I was sitting next to someone I didn’t know so well and was worried about who I would have to shake hands with and wish¬†gut Shabbos to after the service.¬† After¬†Lecha Dodi, there was circle dancing again and this time I left the room because I just couldn’t face it… and one of the bar mitzvah guests followed me out!¬† On one level, I was kind of glad that I was not the only person who couldn’t cope with the dancing, but I also worried that he would initiate conversation, particularly about why I wasn’t dancing, so I spent several minutes moving around the rest of the shul trying to avoid him, which probably seemed rude or just weird.¬† I did manage to shake hands with the rabbi and father of the bar mitzvah boy after the service and wished the latter mazal tov, which for a while looked far too difficult for me to manage.

Then on the way out the person with some authority in the¬†shul who has criticised me for not going to¬†Shacharit¬†(Morning Service) on¬†Shabbat and made light of my saying that I have health issues asked if I was going to come the next day as he would call me to say the brachot (blessings) over the Torah.¬† I muttered something noncommittal, but I’m sure it made me feel super-anxious on Shabbat morning and unable to get up despite waking up early for once.

When I went to¬†shul for Mincha (Afternoon Service) this afternoon, no one was willing/able to lead the service.¬† I wanted to volunteer as I used to do it in my old shul, but I was too shy.¬† It was partly social anxiety, partly fear of shaking and partly the fact that there’s a big paragraph of Aramaic in Mincha in this¬†shul that we didn’t say in my old shul and which I read really slowly because I don’t understand Aramaic and I was worried about delaying everyone.¬† I felt bad, because, as with the¬†divrei Torah (Torah essays) that I write, but am too scared to share with my community, it feels like a waste of whatever talents God has given me, but I’m just too scared of messing everything up and/or getting rejected by people.¬† I don’t know if they would even believe I can lead¬†Shabbat Mincha if I volunteered, so little have I shown myself able to do things in this¬†shul.

Then, after¬†Mincha, when we were sitting around waiting for the¬†Talmud shiur to start, someone asked why I led weekday¬†Mincha the other week when I visibly did not look like I wanted to do it.¬† I didn’t realise it was so obvious.¬† I don’t know if he actually saw me shaking, but it will make me feel more self-conscious about it next time.¬† The dislike is more because of the shaking than anything else.¬† If I could get rid of that, I would feel a lot better about leading services, although I doubt I would actively volunteer for them (not least because that always seems arrogant and wrong to me).¬† Unfortunately, the shaking is caused by my taking olanzapine.¬† Various psychiatrists have tried to cut out the olanzapine, because it’s difficult to see what it’s doing for me when I’m also on clomipramine and lithium, but every time we try, my mood plummets dangerously and I have to come back on it.¬† So I guess I won’t be comfortable leading services for some time yet.

I wish I was good at something¬†religiously in a way that I could use to fit in to my shul community.¬† If I could¬†daven from the¬†amud (lead services), write¬†divrei Torah that I felt comfortable sharing, participate in the Talmud shiur more actively (ask and answer questions) or even just get to more services (like Shabbat mornings) so that I was a very regular shul-goer, particularly on weekdays when they struggle for a minyan (prayer quorum) it would be a start.¬† It’s things like that that help someone get accepted in a new community.¬† I feel I don’t have anything to buy my way in with (so to speak).

Oh, and someone told the story about when the rabbi of the Thursday¬†shiur bet a ¬£50 gift to¬†tzedaka (charity) that no one would know the answer to his question and I answered it correctly.¬† I almost wish I hadn’t answered, so much has that question followed me around for the last few years.¬† So, on the whole a mixed Shabbat.

Motzei Shabbat (Saturday evening) has been a bit better.¬† I came back to see that an issue that has been ticking away in the background for a week and a half is still ticking away and I don’t know where it’s going or what I can do about it.¬† It’s worrying.¬† I did at least work for forty-five minutes or so on my novel, procrastinating a bit at the beginning, but being quite productive once I got down to it and writing 600 words (613 to be exact, a number loaded with Jewish significance).¬† I then watched Quantum of Solace, which apparently has a reputation for being one of the worst James Bond films.¬† I think it lived up to its reputation.¬† I am vaguely nostalgic for it, though, as I saw it in the cinema (one of only three Bond films I’ve seen in the cinema) with a group of people from a Jewish mental health support group.¬† I even squeezed in a Skype call with E., so the evening was better than the day.

What If… ?

I felt tired much of today.¬† I woke up around 10.00am and was lying in bed feeling exhausted when my Dad reminded me that I had a psychiatrist appointment that I had forgotten about.¬† I struggled to get dressed and go.¬† My Dad gave me a lift to the psychiatrist, but the twenty minute walk home afterwards was gruelling because I was so tired.¬† I suppose I could have phoned Dad for a lift, but I don’t like to ask for too many, plus I needed the exercise.¬† I was tired by the time I got home.

I’ve struggled to do much today.¬† I really want to sleep, but I felt that I shouldn’t for multiple reasons: I had to cook dinner and finish writing my devar Torah as well as going to¬†shiur (religious class) later and I didn’t want to disrupt my sleep pattern even more.¬† Lately I’ve been going to my Dad’s shul (synagogue) for Ma’ariv (Evening Prayers) before shiur on Thursdays because they’re practically next door to each other and the times work, but today I felt too drained to do two “peopling” events, so I decided to stick to¬†shiur.

I also managed to spend about half an hour working on my novel.¬† I wrote about 450 words, which was good, but I was dipping into very upsetting parts of my memory and psyche for my writing and after half an hour I felt far too depressed and tired to continue, although I would have liked to have written more.¬† When I told E., she felt it was a downside to writing a novel that draws so much on my personal experiences and mostly negative ones at that.¬† I agreed with her, but on reflection, while it is problematic in some ways, I think there are advantages.¬† I wouldn’t push someone with anxiety or PTSD to face their fears, but I think there are advantages to confronting your demons, if you can do it in a safe way.¬† Hiding behind trigger warnings and the like is ultimately a limiting existence.¬† Although I’m not sure if writing is the best therapy; I remember John Cleese saying in an interview that writing is therapeutic, but not very good therapy, which is why so many writers get stuck writing the same idea again and again.


More fun with the not-for-profit sector…¬† I had a meeting with my psychiatrist, which went well.¬† I said I’ve been feeling a lot better this week now I’ve got a new job and she was pleased with that.¬† She asked if I want to take anything for my anxiety, but I was reluctant to take more meds (I take three different psych meds already, all of which are multiple tablets some at multiple times of the day, plus three daily vitamin supplements).¬† She said I can see my GP if the anxiety gets bad and I change my mind.¬† I thought she was going to discharge me, but she offered me a review appointment in six months time, which I took just in case things don’t work out with my new job or for any other reason.¬† I always feel a bit bad taking these appointments when I might be fine, but it’s so hard to get back into the NHS system once you’ve been discharged that I usually take them when I can, which I guess in economic terms is a “perverse incentive” (when the system encourages you to do something that ought to be discouraged, in this case taking appointments that other people may need more than I do).

So that was positive.¬† The negative was hearing back from the charity that works with the NHS to get people with mental illnesses into work.¬† My case worker still wants me to sign papers and insists I have to sign them in person, and by tomorrow.¬† I got annoyed, but I’m basically a nice person so said I would sign them if she could meet me closer to my home than the office where I saw her (she had already suggested meeting in a coffee shop to sign).¬† It’s still a trip out of my way, but it’s not the end of the world and I won’t feel bad.


One thought I had today which is worth reflecting on and possibly expanding on in the future is that I realised that I tend to see all my mistakes as moral failings, even if they are morally neutral oversights or innocent errors (saying the wrong words, accidentally interrupting someone etc.).¬† If I can view simple mistakes as morally wrong, then it’s no wonder I magnify the moral enormity of genuine religious or moral failings.


On the way home I indulged in bad habits and went into a charity shop and bought a second-hand book.¬† I’m trying to cut down on my book buying as I have a stack of books to read, but most of those are heavy-going classic literature or non-fiction.¬† I am trying to get back into reading both of those, but I don’t think they will necessarily be suitable for work days, when I need something lighter to read on my lunch break and on the Tube on the way home (I’m trying to do Torah study during the trip there in the morning).¬† Plus, it was only ¬£1.

The book,¬†Dominion by C. J. Sansom, is a “what if the Nazis had won World War II?” alternate history.¬† There are rather a lot of these.¬† I actually own five of these now, I realise a little to my surprise, including one written before World War II had even started (it predicted what the Nazis would do if Appeasement failed to stop them); and that’s not counting two episodes of Star Trek that aren’t too far from the premise.¬† That’s probably not surprising, as a it’s a major and comparatively recent historical event where everyone agrees that the achieved outcome was better than most of the alternatives.¬† Still, it is a little surprising how relatively few other alternate history premise novels are films are out there in comparison.¬† There are more I think in books published for the science fiction market, but not so many mainstream ones, whereas there are a lot of mainstream “Hitler wins” novels.¬† Of the five I own, four (Fatherland,¬†Dominion, Making History and¬†Swastika Night) were published as mainstream novels, not specialist science fiction ones and the fifth, The Man in the High Castle, was I think originally published by a science fiction publisher, but my copy is the Penguin Modern Classics edition (so far as I know it’s the only Philip K. Dick novel to be published by that line, which is telling in itself) and of course now it’s a streamable TV series.¬† And that’s not counting ones I don’t own, like the¬†Small Change series, the somewhat related The Plot Against America or the fake documentary film It Happened Here (all vaguely on my enormous ‘to read/watch’ list).

I realised I own a couple of other alternate history novels with other premises.¬† The novella Great Work of Time by John Crowley is a borderline time-travel/alternate history story focused on changing time to stop the British Empire falling.¬† It’s definitely worth a read if you like time-travel or alternate history stories.¬† Red Son is kind of a “what if the Communists had won the Cold¬† War?” story, albeit with the twist that they win because Superman lands in the Ukraine instead of Kansas.¬† Yes, it’s a¬†Superman graphic novel, but an intelligent one and also worth a read.¬† And¬†The Difference Engine by William Gibson and Bruce Sterling is a steam-punk speculation on what would have happened if the Victorians had developed computers.¬† Strangely,¬†Doctor Who has dealt more with threats to change history than scenarios where history has already been changed in an alternative history sense, but the parallel universe thread in Inferno is basically a “Hitler wins” type scenario, while Turn Left was a very personal alternate timeline story with major changes to the fictional narrative spiralling out from a minor difference.

It’s strange that I would not have mentioned it alternate history as a subgenre that particularly interests me until now, but my bookshelves say otherwise.¬† Maybe it’s not surprising, as I guess alternate history is where my interests in history and science fiction dovetail.

Winter Friday Fragment

I struggled to fall asleep again last night.¬† ¬†I know the reason this time: I forgot to take my tablets until right before when I went to bed.¬† I ended up reading a chunk of¬†A Perfect Spy, the novel I’m currently re-reading.¬† I read it when I was about seventeen, but thought it might benefit from a re-read now I’m more emotionally mature.¬† Also, I wanted to read some John le Carr√© and didn’t have the stamina for all the George Smiley books, and I don’t like most of the non-Smiley books of his that I’ve read, which limits my options.¬† I think re-reading has been a different experience, although I’m not sure how much that’s due to be older and how much to simply knowing how it ends.¬† I think the first time I read I initially viewed the protagonist/narrator as a hero, then revised that to an anti-hero, whereas now I just see him as a normal person messed up by his life (aren’t we all?).

I did eventually fall asleep around 2.00am again and slept through most of the morning.¬† I had to get up to answer the phone.¬† It was the NHS-linked charity that helps people with mental illness into employment.¬† I explained that I have a job now, but she said I have to come in and sign some paperwork (I think.¬† There was a lot of noise plus she has a thick accent that I can’t always understand on the phone).¬† I said I can’t do next week.¬† I didn’t go into detail, but I’m working on Monday and Wednesday, have a psychiatrist appointment on Thursday and can’t do Fridays at the moment because Shabbat starts early.¬† I could technically do Tuesday, but I thought I might need to crash after my first work day.¬† She said I really need to come in next week.¬† I stood firm.¬† She said she would have to speak to her manager.¬† I’m really not impressed, considering that I didn’t feel that their support was particularly useful to me.¬† I suppose I should be glad I stood firm, as I’m not always good at being assertive and saying no.¬† Now I’ve thought about it, maybe I should just ask her to email the documents to me.

Then I spent ages psyching myself up to phone the dentist to move my appointment (now on a work day because of my new job), only for them to be closed.¬† (It’s a¬†frum practice, they shut early on winter Fridays.)

And now it’s nearly Shabbat.¬† Because of the bank holiday, it feels like this week didn’t happen, it was just all one long weekend.¬† But¬†Shabbat is¬†Shabbat, so here goes…

Went the Day Well?

I realised lately that I’ve been thinking/watching/reading a lot about spies.¬† Not real spies, but fictional ones: James Bond, John le Carr√©,¬†The Prisoner,¬†The Avengers.¬† That’s a lot of very different spy stories, both in term of tone (from escapist to realistic) and sub-genre (some are as much science fiction as espionage stories).¬† Still, always spies, even though it’s not one of the genres I’ve been most into in my life.¬† I’m not sure why this is the case, but perhaps it is a sign of a dangerous lack of trust in politicians and our democracy, that I’m worried that someone unsuitable will win the election – actually I’m fairly certain someone unsuitable will win the election, as I’m not convinced any of the parties are suited for high office right now – and worried that only the intervention of some undercover maverick agent could save us.¬† Perhaps modern politics induces in me a strong desire to punch someone that I need to channel safely lest I dangerously repress my emotions.

Otherwise it was a fairly busy day.¬† I Skyped E., or tried to, as my webcam wasn’t working and she had to make do with listening to me without seeing.¬† I later briefly got it working again only for it to stop again.¬† I’m not sure why my computer is not registering the in-built webcam as present.¬† My computer is slowly dying, but I’m trying to keep it alive as long as possible as I don’t have the money or time to think about getting a new one.¬† I may have to use one of my parents’ computers next time I need to Skype someone.

I spent some time working on the job proposal from last week.¬† I don’t know how long I spent on it.¬† Probably a couple of hours, on and off, but it was interrupted as I found it hard to concentrate and procrastinated online a lot, which I’ve learnt to interpret as a sign of anxiety about something.¬† In this case, I’m anxious about getting the job and not being able to do it well, or charging the wrong amount for my services, either being turned down for asking for too much or accidentally misleading people into paying me too much (this is possibly overly scrupulous of me).

I managed half an hour jogging, half an hour of Torah study and another half hour on my novel.¬† I would have liked to have done more of both, but I have limited time and energy.¬† I did make good progress with the novel, writing another six hundred words as well as making some amendments to existing passages.¬† I have discovered to my surprise that I’m a fairly intuitive writer.¬† I did write a six page chapter breakdown before beginning to write, but I increasingly find that I want to wander away from that; it’s a starting point, but as I write, new ideas suggest themselves to me or that weird authorly clich√© that I never believed happens and the characters start driving the story.¬† I’ve mentioned before that I’ve learnt relatively recently that I’m not a great planner; I make plans, but struggle to stick to them.¬† Maybe this is the obverse side: I can be intuitively creative.

My sister and brother-in-law invited me and my parents to stay with them for Shabbat.¬† I had a lot of anxiety about going, for various reasons, but in the end I decided that it was a bit of religious OCD-anxiety and a lot of autistic nervousness about new situations (I’ve only been to their house three or four times and never stayed; in fact, I think I only stayed overnight with my sister once in the years when she was flat-sharing with friends before she got married).

And that was it, really.¬† I’m tired, but I feel I did accomplish some things.¬† It’s another late night though, which is more of a problem as I try to move back towards work and “normal” life.

Alarums and Excursions

Well, one little excursion and a couple of small “alarum” bells.

I had a meeting with a charity that helps people with mental health issues into work.¬† I was referred to them by my NHS CBT therapist.¬† Most of the session was spent on form-filling and taking details, so I’m still not entirely sure how they can help me.¬† I’m going again in two weeks time and hopefully will get a clearer idea of what they can offer me.¬† I was offered help with job hunting motivation, which might be helpful, as I’m not feeling very motivated at the moment, but the sessions were on Friday afternoons, which is not good now that the clocks have gone back and¬†Shabbat starts very early.

I had some communication issues there which may have been autism-related.¬† There are some questions that people ask me a lot about libraries that I do struggle to answer well.¬† This becomes a problem when I struggle to explain the type of work I want to do and the type of work environment I want to work in, as people are often unclear as to what librarians actually do these days.¬†¬†I did at least manage to explain why librarian skills are not easily transferable to working in a bookshop (not the first time that one has come up).¬† I don’t know how much of this communication problem was autism making me struggle to communicate, particularly in a noisy, open-plan space, and how much was me struggling to understand the other person’s accent (which would also not have been made easier by noise and autistic issues).

The other things I did today were a bit of shopping, Skyping E. for about an hour (which was good) and thirty or forty minutes of¬†Torah¬†study.¬† I feel frustrated that I didn’t achieve much, but I don’t really have much energy at the moment between my cold (which is lingering and turning into a cough), depression (which I’m guessing is lurking in the background even though it’s been displaced from consciousness by physical illness) and the onset of winter, which tends to make me want to hibernate.¬† I have the type of depression that makes me want to hibernate generally, just to eat stodgy food and sleep and watch DVDs (OK, so bears don’t actually watch DVDs when they hibernate…), so winter just makes things worse.¬† I did want to watch some TV today, but ended up online and also doing more¬†Torah study than I expected to do, which was good.


I mostly keep my religious OCD under control, but sometimes it threatens to flare up.¬† The OCD mostly focused on the Jewish dietary laws, particularly those requiring separation of meat and dairy products and utensils.¬† Usually these days I can spot what’s a real issue and what’s OCD, but today there was something I thought was probably OK, but wasn’t sure about.¬† It became a kind of meta-OCD question, where I moved from being anxious about whether the utensil in question was OK to being anxious whether I should ask the question or if that was giving in to the OCD.¬† It’s a problem, as giving in to the OCD fuels it, making it harder to resist next time.¬† In the end I did ask the question, but I am not sure that I did the right thing.¬† I haven’t heard back yet.


My Mum chased my autism referral as we were worried that it has been ten months since I was referred and I have not heard a date for my assessment yet.¬† The reply was that it takes twelve to eighteen months from the referral date, which was 18 January 2019, so we’re looking at an assessment sometime in the first half of 2020 which is a lot later than we were expecting (we were told eight months to a year and we thought the referral went through earlier, so we were expecting any time from September just gone to the end of this year).

I’m more realistic about the limitations of a publicly-funded health service than many people are, so I’m not furious about it being so late, although it is frustrating when my life feels on hold and I’m not sure how to understand my sense of identity, but¬†I do wonder why they can’t be clearer about when it will be.¬† If X is a finite and known number of people in front of me in the queue, and if the Maudsley Hospital can do Y number of assessments a day, then X √∑ Y = Z, the number of working days until my assessment.¬† Call it the provisional date in case you want to cover sickness, unexpected emergencies etc.¬† It is possible that assessments are not on a first in, first out, basis but are triaged (I think this is the case, thinking about it), so the date would be approximate, but it would be something.¬† It would be good to know whether we’re talking January 2020 or June 2020.

My Mum has apparently gone with the triage option too, as she just sent an email asking for me to be seen ASAP, given my depression and the way that the uncertainty is making me more anxious and depressed.¬† It is true that I feel a lot of uncertainty, both over what I can do with my life and what it means for me if I’m on the spectrum and, especially, what it means if I’m¬†not on the spectrum.¬† I’ve become convinced that I am on the spectrum,¬†but given the whole story of my previous assessments, sometimes I worry that I’m not on the spectrum and I feel that if I’m not then I’m just a useless person who has totally failed at building a career and building relationships and friendships.


More books: I popped into a charity shop on the way home to look at their books and DVDs.¬† I do this sometimes to de-stress, as browsing through books calms me.¬† I thought of buying¬†The Plot Against America by Philip Roth, which is a book I’ve wanted to read for a while and I could afford to pay ¬£1 for it, but I have become worried about my habit of buying books faster than I can read them (usually second-hand and cheaply, as in this case, but it still seems a waste), and I feel the cumulative effect of my impulse/bargain purchasing does could add up while I’m unemployed.¬† Maybe that’s not such a worry as I once estimated my book spending amounted to about ¬£1 a week, which isn’t much, but I feel I shouldn’t really be buying anything inessential at the moment.¬† I also thought the book would be a difficult, heavy, depressing read as it’s an alternate history story where Franklin Roosevelt is defeated in the US presidential election by Charles Lindburgh, the latter standing on an antisemitic, pro-Nazi, isolationist platform.¬† I¬†was going to write a satirical joke here about the book and contemporary politics, but actually it’s all too depressing to joke about it.

Slightly Rambling Thoughts

I struggled with insomnia and early waking because of my cold.¬† I was feeling quite congested.¬† I got about six hours of sleep, which was reasonable.¬† I feel better than yesterday, but still unwell: I feel alternately hot and cold and am still congested and just feel tired.¬† I did get dressed, though, which I didn’t manage yesterday.

I told E. that when I feel physically ill, it somehow drowns out negative emotions.¬† Which is a somewhat scary thing to admit to and I guess explains why I’ve self-harmed when feeling very strong negative emotions, although I think it’s only a partial explanation (and I haven’t self-harmed for quite a long time).

Otherwise I haven’t done much today, which is perhaps unsurprising as I still feel quite ill physically and it’s hard to concentrate for long or to get the energy to do things.¬† I wrote a long email to E. and did half an hour of Torah study, but that was about it, aside from a couple of emails, one to family regarding the¬†bar mitzvah¬†and the other trying to get hold of my rabbi mentor to see if we can meet next week.¬† I’m slightly worried that he’s been hard to get hold of lately: worried that I won’t be able to see him and worried that something is wrong.


I finished watching¬†The Vietnam War documentary I’ve been watching for the last month or more.¬† I discovered the version shown on the BBC in the UK was actually only half as long as the version broadcast on American PBS television.¬† I don’t think I could cope with that version, nine hours (ten fifty-five minute episodes) was emotional enough.¬† I did like that they took the story up to the present day with material about reconciliation and how the interviewees have coped since the war (the interviewees were deliberately ‘ordinary’ G.I.s and Vietnamese soldiers and civilians; they didn’t interview surviving high-profile decision makers like Henry Kissinger).

It left me subdued and wondering all the more about serious political issues: populism and elites, Brexit, Trump, the Middle East…¬† thoughts also fuelled by the Sunday papers and spending too long reading online.¬† I don’t have any solutions or really any profound thoughts except to share a feeling that things could get worse, but probably not in the way people are expecting them to get worse, if only because that’s what usually happens.¬† I suppose I value dialogue and empathy more than ‘no platforming’ and competitive victimhood (see¬†this article about a leading white supremacist who renounced his beliefs as a result of being invited to a Shabbat dinner).

I want to say more, but I’m not sure I could put my feelings into words and I fear saying something that will antagonise or upset someone in a offense-taking society – not that I fear my readers are quick to take offence, but I find it’s easiest just not to talk politics with anyone.¬† I’d actually far sooner talk religion, not that I’m especially anxious to do that.

I do have this weird comparison table in my head with politics and religion, where both are basically untestable belief systems resting ultimately on personal faith and stemming largely from the values you were brought up with, tempered with experience.  Both can lead to unrealistic idealism, tribalism, violence and extremism; on a more moderate level, both can inspire people to become crushing monotonous bores.  Both have led to the production of much art, both good, bad and mediocre; and both can start an argument in an empty room.  Yet religion is tolerated at best in intellectual Western society and seen as fundamentally irrational while politics is seen as normal, rational and meaningful and absolutely unquestionable.  I find that odd.


Choices, choices.¬† I need to choose what book to read now, and what book to take with on holiday as a spare in case I finish the first one (alongside religious reading. I always take a lot of books on holiday.¬† As I’ve said before, my books and DVDs are my friends as much as entertainment or learning resources).¬† I’ve narrowed the very large field to three:¬†The Father-Thing, the third volume of the complete short stories of Philip K. Dick;¬†Wonderful Life, a book on natural history (the Burgess Shale fossils) by Stephen Jay Gould; and¬†A Perfect Spy, John le Carr√©’s semi-autobiographical¬†bildungsroman/thriller hybrid that I read nearly twenty years ago and feel is worth re-reading now I’m old enough to have actually experienced some of the feelings the main character has experienced (I mean friendship, love and betrayal, not being a secret agent).¬† I feel like reading le Carr√©, but I haven’t got the time to re-read all the George Smiley books again and this is one of the few non-Smiley books he’s written that I read and actually like; I’m not feeling brave enough to chance one I haven’t read.

One fiction (unread), one non-fiction (unread), one fiction (read).¬† Put like that, le Carr√© will probably go back on the backburner and I’ll take Dick and Gould.¬† I’m still not sure which to read first though.¬† Strangely, the Gould seems less intimidating and I am trying to alternate fiction and non-fiction which would push it to the front.¬† As the Dick is short stories, I could feasibly read both at the same time if necessary, although I try not to have too many recreational reading books on the go at once (unlike religious books where I read lots, for various reasons).

It does occur to me that if I had a life, I wouldn’t spend so much time focused on what I read and watch (and think and feel).¬† That is perhaps an uncharitable thought, but not necessarily untrue.


I’m not feeling well enough to do anything other than flop in front of the television this evening.¬† Despite all the stuff I was thinking of watching yesterday, last night I had a hankering to watch a particular¬†Doctor Who story (Horror of Fang Rock), based on the tribute articles in the latest¬†Doctor Who Magazine issue to it’s author, Terrance Dicks, who died recently.¬† Dicks is a special figure to many¬†Doctor Who fans, myself included.¬† Not only was he a prolific writer and script editor for the series, he also novelised more than sixty stories from the original run of the show and for many children, myself included, these novels were a way of re-experiencing favourite stories when the originals were unavailable, initially because this was domestic video players came out, but later in my case because as a child my pocket money didn’t stretch to videos, but the school and public libraries had loads of the novels.

I was an avid reader even before I found the¬†Doctor Who novelisations, so I can’t quite say the way many fans can that Terrance Dicks taught me to read, but he was a big part of my childhood.¬†¬†Horror of Fang Rock isn’t my absolute favourite of the stories he wrote, but it is probably the best-written, an expertly constructed story blending character drama in a period setting with science fiction and family-friendly horror.¬† So that’s my evening!

The Dreaded Lurgy

I started writing a post yesterday, but abandoned it due to lack of time and feeling under the weather.¬† I possibly had some ideas worth returning to at some point.¬† I did some work on my novel (possibly finishing the first draft of the first chapter, but I’m not sure at this stage), but I went to¬†shul (synagogue) in the evening feeling exhausted and looking forward to a restful¬†Shabbat (Sabbath).

Unfortunately, by dinner time it was clear that I was coming down with a bad cold and I’ve spent most of the last day sneezing, struggling to breathe, feeling alternately hot and cold and get dizzy if I stand up for long.¬† I did a little bit of¬†davening (prayer) and¬†Torah, but somehow it’s easier to give myself time off for physical illness than mental illness, I don’t know why.¬† I spent the day in pyjamas, struggling to sleep or falling to sleep at the wrong time.¬† No volunteering for me tomorrow; I don’t want to infect the children.

I read an Agatha Christie novel,¬†Sparkling Cyanide.¬† I knew I’d read it years ago, as I’ve read all the Christie novels I own, but couldn’t remember anything about it.¬† Of course, by the time I was thirty pages in, I could remember whodunit and most of the red herrings, but I stuck with it as I don’t like abandoning books mid-way and it was probably the sort of thing I needed to read.¬† Colonel Race is a forgettable detective compared to Poirot and Miss Marple, though.¬† Not sure what to read next, particularly as anything I start reading now has to be light enough (in both senses of the term) to read while ill and also to take on holiday.¬† I’m also not sure what TV to watch tonight.¬† Doctor Who would be the usual comfort viewing, but I feel like I’ve watched the original series a lot and the new series isn’t so comforting for me, for various reasons.¬† So, probably the last two episodes of¬†The IT Crowd and/or¬†The Avengers or maybe¬†Star Trek: The Next Generation.

Dancers at the End of Yom Tov

The end of¬†Yom Tov (festivals) went OK overall.¬† On¬†Shimini Atzeret evening (Sunday night) I was feeling quite exhilarated about the thought of trying to write a weekly¬†devar Torah (short¬†Torah essay) again.¬† From feeling zero connection to what I have been “learning” (much as I dislike the Yeshivish word, “studying” doesn’t seem right in this context), suddenly I was finding, if not answers, then at least¬†kashas (questions, textual difficulties) to pursue.¬† On¬†Shimini Atzeret¬†day I crashed a bit, perhaps unsurprisingly.¬† I had gone to bed really late because I was a bit agitated in a positive way (the kind of feeling that once had me wondering if I had bipolar disorder instead of unipolar depression, but apparently it’s not mania), but, as often happens, I crashed afterwards.¬† I struggled to get up again on Monday morning.

I went to¬†shul (synagogue) in the evening, but was very anxious that I wouldn’t be able to slip away before the¬†Simchat Torah festivities started.¬† I find¬†Simchat Torah very hard.¬† We celebrate finishing and restarting the annual¬†Torah reading by dancing with the¬†Torah¬†scrolls.¬† This is circle dancing, holding hands and going round and round.¬† I’ve never worked out why it makes me so uncomfortable, whether it’s depression (the party atmosphere), social anxiety (being visible to everyone), lack of confidence (not feeling able to dance) or autism (the noise and close proximity to people I don’t know well).¬† This is aside from my shul auctioning¬†Simchat Torah¬†honours in return for committing to study¬†Torah¬†in the coming year, which makes me feel bad for not being able to commit to anything, let alone the immense amount some people commit to.¬†¬†Whatever reason, I find the day hard.¬† There were one or two years where I did manage to enter into the spirit of things and dance, but that was in a¬†shul where I felt quite comfortable for reasons that are not likely to replicate themselves any time soon.¬† Usually I slip away before the dancing starts, but I feel bad about not even¬†trying to dance.¬† On my way out, someone asked if I was going and I said yes and felt bad, but I don’t know how else to cope.¬† I’d like to enjoy Simchat Torah one day, but I don’t know how.

I came home to find my parents home.¬† I had expected Dad and maybe Mum to be at their own¬†shul and I did a typical autistic thing of being completely put out by a minor change of plan and ended up arguing over my Dad about some petty thing.¬† Really we weren’t arguing about that, I was expressing my anger and frustration with myself for not being able to stay in¬†shul and he was expressing his frustration that he can’t solve my problems.

I did manage to have dinner with my parents, slept for twelve hours or more and woke up feeling better than expected.¬† I missed¬†shul during the day, but went back for¬†Ma’ariv (the Evening Service).¬† We were waiting for a minyan (prayer quorum) and, as it was the closing minutes of Simchat Torah and the¬†Tishrei¬†holiday period,¬†the rabbi started singing and dancing (this is what happens if you have a somewhat Hasidishe rabbi) and I allowed myself to get dragged into that even though it felt a little uncomfortable, so I did just about dance a bit on¬†Simchat Torah.¬† I then helped take down the¬†shul¬†sukkahs and to take two of the¬†Sifrei¬†Torah¬†(Torah scrolls) back to our weekday premises.¬† So I felt I did my bit to help, but I also felt a bit as if I was tidying up from a really great party that I had mostly missed, which seems a bit like the story of my life.

I helped my Dad begin to take down our sukkah too.  At least I felt that I had enjoyed using that one more.


On balance, I would have to say that it was a good¬†Sukkot, and a good¬†Tishrei generally.¬† I got to¬†shul in the morning several times as well as the evenings.¬† I heard the¬†shofar both days on¬†Rosh Hashanah, I wasn’t too ill on¬†Yom Kippur (although I did spend much of the day too drained to get out of bed) and, despite it being mid-October and expected to be wet, we had almost every lunch and dinner in the¬†sukkah over¬†Sukkot¬†and¬†Shmini Atzeret.¬† I just wish I could finish things more positively on Simchat Torah, and that I¬†didn’t feel like I was so unfocused in my religious life, like I could/should be doing more in terms of¬†davening¬†(praying) with a¬†minyan and with¬†kavannah (mindfulness) as well as doing more, and deeper,¬†Torah study.¬† It can be hard to see where I am growing, which is the point of Rosh Hashanah and¬†Yom Kippur, as well as to see where my joy in being Jewish comes from, which is the point of¬†Sukkot, Shmini Atzeret and¬†Simchat Torah.

I noticed on the way home that someone down the road has their Christmas lights up already.¬† It somehow seems wrong that the Christians are putting up their Christmas lights before the Jews have finished taking their¬†sukkot down.¬† There’s still two months¬†before Christmas!¬† That’s like putting up your¬†sukkah soon after¬†Tisha B’Av!


A side-light on this (not Christmas decorations, I mean on religious focus): looking in¬†Leaping Souls: Rabbi Menachem Mendel and the Spirit of Kotzk¬†by Chaim Feinberg there is a story of a Hasid who came to the Kotzker Rebbe and complained that since coming to Kotzk, he has become fearful that his prayers and¬†Torah study are blemished by secret self-interest and imperfections.¬† He is told by the Rebbe that maybe God doesn’t want his prayers or¬†Torah study, but his heartfelt inner anguish and dissatisfaction with himself, his desire to be a better person (God wants the heart, according to the Talmud although that’s not quoted here).¬† I’ve heard similar stories with a number of Hasidic¬†Rebbes.¬† I’m not sure if they’re reassuring or not.¬† It’s reassuring to think there might be a positive reason for feeling like this, but not reassuring to think I might feel like this for the rest of my life.

It’s not, I suppose, an attitude that would attract many modern people, who seem to like to be told that the religious life, done right, is easy and comfortable and that God can be your best friend who will help you out of any trouble if you just Believe.¬† I can’t imagine Aish or the JLE or any other¬†kiruv organisation trying to win non-religious Jews to the religious life by telling them that God wants their inner anguish as they struggle to do the right thing, or even just to work out what the right thing is.¬† It speaks to me, though.¬† It speaks to the part of me that thinks that life is hard and if there is an all-powerful, benevolent God, then for some reason He doesn’t want us to be happy here, in which case this world is a vale of soul-making (as the thoroughly atheist John Keats put it), not one of happiness.¬† I can cope with soul-making.¬† It’s when people tell me that if only I was¬†frum¬†(religious) I would be happy that I get angry, because either I’m not doing religion properly or this is just untrue.¬† But a world of soul-making, where my inner anguish builds my soul into something beautiful… I can cope with that philosophically.¬† It is hard to live it every day, though.


After my Jewish existentialism post E. asked if I could recommend any books.¬† I did, but I hadn’t looked at the books for years and now I’m wondering how relevant they are.¬† This happens a lot when people ask me for advice, I end up panicking and second-guessing myself.¬† I’m not sure what exactly I’m catastrophising about there.¬† I’m not sure what the worst case scenario is that I’m worried about.


Speaking of books, I find myself doing an impression of Buridan’s Ass again, only with books instead of straw.¬† Buridan’s Ass is a thought experiment about a hungry donkey placed equidistantly between two identical piles of hay; unable to determine which haystack is “better,” he stands procrastinating between the two until he starves to death.¬† I find this unlikely, but I can’t choose what book to read out of my many unread novels, unread non-fiction books, novels to re-read, non-fiction books to re-read, and¬†Doctor Who novels to re-read (which seem to be in a separate category, although I’m not quite sure why).¬† I could look on my Goodreads page to find the numbers to go with each category, but I’m a bit scared of how large they would be.¬† I have a lot of unread books; well, I have a lot of books¬†period, and a proportion are going to be unread and, given that I’m a re-reader, lots of read books can revert to being quasi-unread (un-re-read) given time.

It doesn’t help that I can’t work out whether I could really get a lot out of re-reading heavy stuff Dickens or Dostoevsky or reading serious non-fiction at the moment, mental health-wise.¬† I don’t feel like reading much other than Agatha Christie, John le Carr√© and¬†Doctor Who, but I’m not sure that that proves a lot.¬† I have an unread Philip K. Dick short story collection that I got for my birthday some months ago, one of my favourite authors, but somehow I can’t feel enthusiastic for a short story collection right now, the thought of keep having to start again rather than immersing myself in a world for a while…¬† I was in¬†shul for the reading of¬†Kohelet (Ecclesiastes) on¬†Shabbat, which concludes that “of making many books there is no end and much study is a weariness of flesh” which is probably a lesson to me, although I’m not quite sure what.¬† Probably that I should stop writing and go to bed.

Working on Myself, and On My Novel

As I’ve mentioned, we’re now into the Hebrew month of¬†Elul, which is the introspection month before¬†Rosh Hashanah (Jewish New Year) and¬†Yom Kippur (the Day of Atonement) in a few weeks’ time.¬†¬†I’m signed up for a couple of daily ideas videos/talks for¬†Elul and one idea that keeps coming up this year is the idea of¬†mitzvot¬†(commandments) that govern your relationship with yourself.

When I was growing up, I was always taught that there are two categories of¬†mitzvot: those between me and God and those between me and other people.¬† An example of the former is eating only¬†kosher food.¬† An example of the latter is not gossiping.¬† When I got older this idea of mitzvot between me and myself appeared, but I’ve rarely heard it dealt with until recently.¬† To be honest, this time last year I sat through a whole¬†shiur (religious class) on this topic and still left wondering what an example of a mitzvah between me and myself is and how I can work on this area.

I know I do need to work on this area.¬† I know I have self-esteem issues, needless guilt issues and unnecessary shame.¬† I know that if I could accept myself more, I would feel more comfortable in my community and find it easier to make friends and to go to¬†shul¬†(synagogue) more often, so there would be wins in the categories of¬†mitzvot between me and other people and between me and God too.¬† So it would be a win-win, but it’s hard to even begin to unravel what I should do, especially as I haven’t seen many people deal with it at length.¬† One article I found online suggested it’s about developing good character traits, but that’s still somewhat vague in terms of what the actual mitzvot¬†concerned are.


I had my penultimate CBT session today.¬† My therapist suggested a couple of YouTube videos to watch about self-esteem and CBT.¬† I do wonder whether I will be able to continue using the techniques I was taught.¬† I feel as if I haven’t finished learning them all yet.¬† Still, I had some anxiety today and managed it better than I would have done in the past using techniques of grounding, postponing worry and putting things in perspective.¬† The therapist was enthusiastic about my volunteering in the museum, as it would give me an opportunity to practise talking to people in an environment where I am knowledgeable, so I guess I should try to pursue that, although it’s very scary.

One of the videos my therapist suggested I watch was a talk from Lizzie Velasquez, who is a woman with a rare genetic disorder (so rare only three people in the world are known to have it) that means she can’t put on weight (not “excessive weight” but any weight at all), which has obviously¬† affected her body shape and she was bullied a lot at school because of her appearance.¬† A video of her was put online by someone from her school claiming she was “The ugliest woman in the world” and was watched by nine million people, attracting all kinds of hateful comments, including people saying she should kill herself.¬† She was talking about how to take the negativity she has experienced and how she channelled it to push herself forward to achieve her goals in life.

I don’t always find “inspirational” stories that inspirational, but I found this quite inspiring.¬† I suppose I feel that if she isn’t letting herself be defined by her bullies, I don’t have to be defined by mine.¬† I do feel glad I was at school before social media, so I didn’t experience this kind of super-public online bullying.¬† The worst I had was when the school yearbook for GCSE (exams taken aged fifteen or sixteen) year, was banned by the teachers, which apparently was because the kids who wrote/edited it put in a lot of nasty stuff about myself and my friends, although I never found out what they said.


I read an article today by¬†Howard Jacobson (having coincidentally just finished one of his novels yesterday) about finding his voice as a Jewish writer rather than trying to channel his literary heroes.¬† I feel that something similar has happened to me.¬† The books I read are mostly science fiction, murder mystery or nineteenth/early twentieth century classics.¬† I don’t have the type of logical, analytical mind to write a world-building science fiction novel or to plot a murder mystery story and, as Jacobson writes, trying to channel Dickens or Dostoyevsky isn’t really a sensible strategy these days.¬† I don’t read much contemporary literary fiction.¬† I did for a couple of years, when I was attending a book club, but I often struggled to engage with the books.¬† I thought it was me being an SF geek and not liking anything without a space ship, or at least a murder, but lately I’ve come to suspect that I often didn’t engage with the characters because there was no one like me, someone with mental health issues or from a religious Jewish background (I tended to connect more with stories set in religious cultures in other countries e.g. the devout Muslims in Afghanistan in Khaled Hosseini’s novels).¬† The breakthrough I’ve had just in the last few months is realising¬†I can write stories about people like me, people with depression or high functioning autism, people caught on the fault-line between traditional Judaism and (post)modernity, people not sure where they fit in Western culture or outside it.¬†¬†It’s quite exciting.

I spent about an hour working on my novel this evening – really too late in the day to achieve much, but I want to keep the momentum going.¬† I wrote a thousand words, which was good for (a) one hour and (b) 9.00pm.¬† I’m pleased with my progress so far, although it’s very early days still.

Fear of Being Accepted

I’ve been exhausted all day.¬† I’m not sure how depressed I’m feeling.¬† I struggle to understand my moods a lot of the time.¬† It’s always hard to tell what I feel when I’m not ultra-despairing.¬† I don’t think that I feel good or happy (I’m not sure that I really know what they would feel like), but I’m not sure if I feel mildly depressed or sort of neutral.¬† I did wake up with religious OCD anxieties about Pesach (Passover), which isn’t for another seven months.¬† This was partly the result something that happened recently, which I’m going to have to carefully sort out nearer the time, but I’ve been aware of the issue for a week or more and was able to shelve it for now; the fact that it’s suddenly leapt to the forefront of my thoughts is probably due to other stresses.¬† At least the anxieties mostly subsided during the day.


I got another job rejection today.¬† I did, however, finish painting my parents’ shed, assuming it dries evenly and doesn’t need a third coat (it seems OK so far).¬† It used up whatever energy I had left, but it was the first thing I’ve actually done to earn in the last five months.¬† Afterwards, I went to shul (synagogue) for¬†Mincha and Ma’ariv¬†(Afternoon and Evening prayers) afterwards, which may have been a tactical error as I was very tired.¬† I managed twenty or thirty minutes of¬†Torah study, which was more than I expected given how tired I was after painting, but because of all of this I had no time or energy to work on my novel.


It was a day for finishing things in other ways too.¬† I finished reading J, a surprisingly bleak conclusion from a novelist (Howard Jacobson) who insists he’s “the Jewish Jane Austen.”¬† It’s a fairly laugh-free book, being about hatred and antisemitism.¬† I am not sure I agree with Jacobson’s idea of Jewish identity as being mostly intellectualism and contrariness.¬† I mean, that probably is a part of it, but he over-stresses it, here and in his non-fiction writings (in three separate essays, I’ve heard him say how disgusted he was with a rabbi and his family who invited him for¬†Shabbat (Sabbath) dinner and spent the time talking about musicals rather than anything more intellectual which seems rather petty to me, going on about it so much).

I also finished reading a not-very-good¬†Batman graphic novel (Bruce Wayne: Fugitive).¬† Jacobson doubtless would not approve (this does get to mental health in a minute, I promise!).¬† I went through a phase of reading a lot of¬†Batman a few years back, off the back of the Christopher Nolan films.¬† I liked many of the storylines from the nineties, but found more recent stories became disturbingly sadistic, with a lot of real world-type violence (people being tortured with power tools etc.) that I found out of place in an essentially fantasy setting (Batman may not be as obviously fantasy as Superman or The Flash, but it is a comic about a man who dresses up as a bat to fight insane master-criminals.¬† I feel there’s quite a large of wish fulfillment fantasy in the premise).¬† Plus, Batman, who is supposed to be The World’s Greatest Detective, hardly does any detecting any more.¬† He just beats people up.¬† Yawn.¬† Watching the two Tim Burton Batman¬†films a few weeks ago on a whim whet my appetite for the Dark Knight Detective, though, and I’m pondering what graphic novels to re-read from my collection or whether to try something new.

The reason I bring this up is that I realised I actually don’t like Batman much as a character any more.¬† I like the characters around him (many of whom have not be presented on screen in detail or at all) a lot more.¬† And I like the idea of Batman as someone who says he is a loner, but actually does have friends.¬† That was actually one point that was handled well in the graphic novel I was reading, where he upsets all his friends by going it alone, but they still stick around because they care about him.¬† I find that comforting, given that I am not good at making or, apparently, keeping my friends (having lost at least three over the last year and a bit).


Awkward: the Head of Employment for the charity I was volunteering for emailed to say he’s sorry I’m leaving and can he do anything to help?¬† My parents think he’s offering to help with my job search, given his job is helping people with developmental issues into work and that he knows about my autism.¬† I think he’s offering to help me stay at the charity somehow, which I’m not so keen on.¬† I don’t know how to politely ask the question, so I’ve agreed to meet and will see what he says at the meeting.

Also awkward: at my parents’ behest, I emailed a couple of job agencies who seem to have forgotten about me.¬† I hate doing stuff like that.


I’ve wanted to write something about my friendship with E. for a few days, but I wasn’t sure what to say.¬† I also wanted to get her permission (given my experience a few months back).

I guess it’s a slightly weird relationship.¬† The background is that we met online through my blog and live on different continents.¬† We dated long-distance for a couple of months, but then we broke up, but stayed friends, because E. couldn’t see things working out while we both had emotional issues and financial problems (which has only got worse since then now I don’t have a job at all).¬† But we still WhatsApp each other all the time.¬† We do basically act like we’re long-distance dating even though “officially” we’re not.

E. does sometimes say I should be trying to look for a¬†frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) wife in the UK, but I can’t really see it happening.¬† Aside from my parents and my sister, I don’t think anyone cares for me like E. does and I think she understands me just as well as they do, maybe better in some ways.¬† Plus, as I’ve said many times, I really don’t fit into the frum community in the UK and can’t see myself meeting anyone or getting set up with anyone any time soon.

Lately we’ve both been open with each other that we’d like to date each other again, but we can’t see it working at the moment.¬† E. is scared of the financial/practical side of things (we can’t afford to support ourselves and neither of us is earning enough to be able to immigrate) and I’m scared that I’m so much more religious than E. (she said she would take on a lot of stuff if we got married, but I worry that that is not a good way to go about things, although lots of people do become frum¬†that way).

Having been in therapy for so long in the past, I can put myself into the therapeutic mindset, and I just know that a good therapist would challenge this.¬† S/he would say, “Are you sure it’s just money/religion you’re worried about?”¬† Because I feel we probably are scared of the relationship on some level.¬† I’ve only had one girlfriend before and have been lonely most of my adult life.¬† E. has been through some difficult stuff too.¬† Maybe we’re both scared of rejection, and maybe we’re both even more scared of acceptance.¬† By which I mean, I’ve certainly got a strong self-image of being “not good enough” or “unlovable” and maybe E. is the same (she is in many ways the female me, which my first girlfriend really wasn’t).¬† It is quite scary to think of being loved romantically, if that hasn’t really happened to you in the past.

It is frustrating that we can’t take the relationship further because of our financial situation/my job situation and the fact that we live on different continents.¬† But I’m glad we do at least communicate so much.¬† E. is super-supportive and encouraging when I’m depressed or anxious.


Related to this, I was thinking about the forthcoming Jewish festivals and what I want for the Jewish new year.¬† I used to think I just needed to sort my mental health.¬† If God would deal with that, everything else would fall into place.¬† Now I realise that I need to¬†daven (pray) for and work on so many things individually: mental health, career, community, friends, spouse…¬† It’s like there’s no end to the things I need.¬† I suppose, logically, or theologically, everyone needs to pray for all those things.¬† It’s just that most people would need to pray for them to be maintained, not to start from scratch, only needing one or two things.¬† However, I am trying not to get too depressed about things.¬† Trying to use the CBT techniques I’ve been taught.¬† Speaking of which, I have CBT tomorrow, so I should really get to bed…

Heights and Depths, and Special Interests

I’m feeling very depressed and anxious about something I can’t write about here.¬† I suppose it takes my mind off being depressed and anxious about being unemployed and single, or about the job interview I have tomorrow.¬† I feel I just mess stuff up, however hard I try not to.¬† I don’t even know how I do it.¬† Sometimes I wonder if there’s any end to things.

I didn’t manage to do much today, just a little bit of interview preparation for tomorrow and a short walk.¬† Otherwise I just brooded on things.


Last night I was flicking through¬†The Spiritual Revolution of Rav Kook: The Writings of a Jewish Mystic.¬† One passage (pp. 18-19) attracted my attention.¬† Rav Kook says there are two types of temperament: some people are straightforward, conventional and internally stable.¬† They can achieve a¬† lot, particularly in the practical sphere, but they can’t reach either highest heights or lowest depths.¬† However, the second type “never have any rest… either they are ascending to the sublime heights of heaven or they are descending to the bitter depths of disaster.¬† These people need to concentrate on spiritual growth every single day” because if they find a way of life that suits them, they will keep growing, but if they don’t grow, they will “most likely collapse” and fall to the lowest depths.¬† “These people need to be immersed constantly in Torah and self-improvement, ethics, and sacred emotions.¬† And God forbid that they should live a life of conventional work and practical knowledge.”¬† (Elsewhere he writes about very spiritual people often struggling with practical matters.)

I feel that I am probably in the second category.¬† I don’t say this because I think I have achieved great heights, but because I think I sink to great depths.¬† This upsets me, because I want just to be a normal, conventional person, able to achieve a certain amount and able to coast, to some extent.¬† I want to be comfortable.¬† I don’t want to have to struggle all the time for things other people manage easily (healthy emotions, career, marriage and family, community, friendships).¬† Instead I have to fight to manage to cope with ‘normal’ things, in order to try to reach heights I don’t think I will ever actually attain.¬† I don’t feel particularly spiritual, which I suppose suggests that I’m down in the the depths (as does the thing I can’t talk about).


Sometimes I wonder if I should keep blogging.¬†¬†My Dad asked me yesterday why I do it.¬† He doesn’t “get” social media at all and wonders why people need to update all their friends on what they had for lunch.¬† I tried to explain that writing is how I process what happens to me and that I’ve tried writing a private diary, but it’s hard to keep it up without feeling there is some kind of audience.¬† I also hope that, by talking about depression and autism in detail, other people struggling with these conditions might understand themselves better, and be reassured that they aren’t ‘weird’ or ‘abnormal.’¬† There are maybe ten or fifteen people who regularly ‘like’ my posts; one or two look spammy, but most seem to be ‘real’ people, so I feel I must be doing something right.¬† But sometimes I wonder if I’m just being self-obsessed, writing about my life as if it’s of great importance.¬† Really, as I say, I’m just trying to process what happens to me, given that I struggle to understand my life a lot of the time.¬† Whether because of depression or autism, I can’t instinctively process my emotions the way most people can.¬† I have to literally spell them out to myself and examine them like a therapist to understand them.


I’m watching the 1979 BBC adaptation of John le Carr√©’s¬†Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.¬† I’ve seen it before, and I’ve read the book (one of my favourites) three or four times.¬† I still enjoy it.¬† Savouring it, one episode a day.¬† I know the plot, and half the dialogue, by heart, but I drink in the acting, the direction, the atmosphere.¬† No one really points out that the books of le Carr√©’s strongest period (particularly the Smiley versus Karla trilogy, after he’d written a few books and honed his skills, but before the Cold War ended and left him in search of other material) are as fully-realised a fictional world as Tolkien’s Middle-Earth or Lucas’¬†Star Wars universe, a fictional world similar to, but running deeper than, our own, with its own geography, heroes and villains and, above all, its own vocabulary (the Circus, moles, lamplighters, scalphunters, Moscow rules and the like).¬† For me I think much of the appeal lies in this world-building.¬† It’s quite well-established that autistic people like these kinds of fleshed-out fictional worlds, although science fiction and fantasy are the more normal sources than spy novels.¬† I think George Smiley’s world is as much an autistic special interest for me than¬†Doctor Who.¬† It’s certainly a comforting thing to return to when I feel depressed and anxious, as at the moment, like¬†Doctor Who and one or two other series.

In many ways, Smiley’s world is more cohesive (despite all the “retcons”) than the¬†Doctor Who universe, which is vastly larger, but open and less defined.¬† There are only nine Smiley novels (albeit that several non-Smiley novels arguably take place in the same fictional world, from little details) and they form a reasonably coherent whole, although it took a few novels for all the details to come together.¬† The secret vocabulary which is so important to me (because I like language?) only really first appears from the fifth novel in the sequence, Tinker, Tailor, Soldier, Spy.

I wallow in George Smiley’s world.¬† I imagine myself inside it, and not just when reading the books, but when visiting or working in buildings that remind me of how I imagine the Circus (British Intelligence), old buildings housing large institutions that have seen better days (I’ve worked in one or two of those).¬† I couldn’t be a field-agent, but I imagine myself in Research in the Circus archives, working with Connie Sachs to ferret out Soviet agents.¬† Le Carr√©’s post-Cold War books don’t really have that same background and are, to me, a lot less interesting (and his politics are more predictable and, to my thinking, less nuanced, particularly his knee-jerk anti-Americanism).¬† Certainly I generally prefer the scenes of bureaucrats (“espiocrats” as le Carr√© calls them in his later books) sitting around talking to the scenes of undercover agents, especially as le Carr√© doesn’t really do action scenes very well (most of the Smiley stories are structured as mystery stories rather than conventional thrillers, again a difference to le Carr√©’s later books, and part of the reason I don’t like the later books as much).

(Although one day I’m going to have to write that essay on le Carr√©’s presentation of Jews…)

It’s funny how I can write 500 words on something I care about without thinking even on a bad day, while more mundane tasks just seem impossible.

Who Would Fardels Bear?

“How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable
Seem to me all the uses of this world!”

-William Shakespeare, Hamlet

Feeling burnt out, depressed, lonely and stupid today.¬† I didn’t get the job at the Very Important Organisation.¬† They give applicants graded feedback; mine was pretty poor, a mixture of threes and fours (out of seven) with a two for effective decision making.¬† You could put that down to autistic executive function issues, or plain indecisiveness.

I had no energy or enthusiasm for anything, but I forced myself out for an hour or so.¬† Mostly walking, some shopping and I closed a bank account that had a ridiculously small interest rate.¬† I bought the lentils I couldn’t get yesterday, but felt too exhausted to go and get a¬†bat mitzvah card for my rabbi mentor’s daughter and so came home.

My mind is visual in some ways and sometimes throws up fantasies or daydreams using imagery from TV or film.¬† I think I daydream more, or more immaturely, than someone my age should be doing.¬† It can become quite absorbing, even frighteningly so, particularly when I’m depressed and agitated.¬† When I was out I had disturbing, agitated mental images of being cornered and outgunned,¬†Blake’s 7-finale¬†style, or chained to a bomb that could explode at any moment.¬† I’m not sure if the bomb represented the world or my psyche; I’m not convinced that either is in particularly good shape.

I feel that the world might self-destruct under the weight of its iniquities and inequities any time soon; my psyche might collapse under the weight of stress and internal contradictions.¬†¬†In Politics vs Literature: An Examination of Gulliver’s Travels, George Orwell writes of people like Jonathan Swift who can’t enjoy the world and have no expectations from the next world and that such people end up wanting to stop anyone enjoying anything, “the envy of the ghost for the living” adding that “Swift ultimately blew everything to pieces in the only way that was feasible before the atomic bomb – that is, he went mad”.¬† I feel that I could join him, one day.¬† I don’t really want to stop other people being happy, I just want to get some small modicum of happiness for myself, but it doesn’t seem to be possible.

When I got home, I was still too depressed and exhausted to make job applications or to do any Torah study (I managed ten minutes or so in the end), so I worked on redrafting my¬†Doctor Who book.¬† It says a lot that I was able to spend nearly two hours working on that more or less uninterrupted (or unprocrastinated), which is not something I have managed when working on job applications.¬† I now have completed third drafts of all fourteen existing chapters, although I’m still re-watching the most recent episodes for research for a fifteenth chapter that will need writing from scratch to cover Jodie Whittaker’s first year in the role.

I’m still not hugely happy with what I’ve written, but it’s hard to see what I should change.¬† I’m not good at judging my own work at the best of times and having worked on this for six years or more, it could probably do with a fresh pair of eyes, so I need to decide whether to ask my fan friends to read some chapters.¬† That would probably be more worthwhile than attempting a fourth draft without outside input, but my fan friends all have major life crises at the moment and I’m reluctant to ask any of them.¬† Plus, I don’t take criticism well and am worried that even constructive criticism could send me further downwards on a “I’m useless” spiral.

I intended to watch another episode of¬†Doctor Who as research tonight, but the next episode is Rosa¬†(about Rosa Parks)¬†I’m too tired for such a heavy-going episode, so tonight will be a¬†Blake’s 7 night (I’m currently mixing Doctor Who series eleven with a¬†Blake’s 7¬†marathon).


It’s hard to tell how much I like to keep my political and religious views to myself and how much I feel I have to from not fitting in.¬† There’s an old joke about Modern Orthodox Jews that, “The people I can pray with, I can’t talk to; the people I talk to, I can’t pray with” meaning Modern Orthodox Jews are open to modernity and postmodernity and its arguments in academic and culture, but can’t talk about that with¬†Haredi (ultra-Orthodox) Jews; conversely, they can have intellectual discussions with non-religious academics and non-Orthodox Jews, but can’t pray with them as they believe differently or not at all.¬† I feel that a lot, albeit not as much as I did when I worked in a non-Orthodox religious institution.

In addition to this, lately I have been aware that many of my friends would side differently to me on some major political issues and I wonder what they would think about me if they knew.¬† I usually keep my views quite even when they post things I find questionable or upsetting on their blogs.¬† Not using Twitter or Facebook makes this a little easier, but it can be hard.¬† This happens at depression group too, where one person in particular has strong political views and can be rude and dismissive of people who vote differently.¬† I’ve never said anything, and I’m sure he thinks I’m too nice to vote for… (or else he just doesn’t care).

Actually, I wonder what people think about me generally.¬† I sometimes wonder if the non-religious people I encounter at work, in fandom and on the blogosphere think I’m a ‘normal’ person, or at least a normal geek person, except for this weird quirk that I believe in God, and in a very legalistic and old-fashioned God at that, and have taken on lots of bizarre rituals.¬† They probably don’t really think like that (they’re too polite for one thing).¬† And, of course, I worry that if the people from my¬†shul (synagogue) found out about my ‘modern’ beliefs and geeky interests, that would also be seen as crossing a line.

I guess it boils down to this: I have friends who have religious and political opinions and lifestyle choices I disagree with (from a Jewish point of view, the whole concept of “lifestyle choices” is fraught with difficulty as it assumes our lives are ours to deal with as we see fit, an idea that Orthodox Judaism would reject, arguing we’re called to a mission regardless of our desires and choices), but I make an effort to stay friends with them, because I don’t think you should ruin a friendship for politics or religion.¬† I know that makes me unusual, both in the Orthodox community (where people usually socialise with other Orthodox Jews, to avoid these kinds of situations and potential negative religious influences) and in the world at large, where people are mostly friends with people who hold similar views.¬† We have got used to hearing of families and friendships broken by Brexit or Trump.¬† So I suppose it’s natural that I wonder what the people I encounter are thinking and whether I really need to hide so much of my life from people.

That said, I feel so disillusioned and disenfranchised with the current political situation that I’m¬†glad to have a reason not to talk politics, even with people who will agree with me.¬† It seems to me lately that we have a duty to save as much of life as we can from people who drag their angry and aggressive politics into everything.¬† I appreciate there is a role for political art and literature, but it’s a relief nowadays to find things that are beautiful for purely aesthetic reasons.¬† I suppose I can’t live in my ivory tower forever, but I can try.


If I confound expectation and manage to procreate, my eldest child’s teddy is now likely to be called Fardels Bear.

Chores, Jobs and Puddle-Ducks

I did a few chores yesterday, but spent some time procrastinating and putting off¬†Pesach¬†(Passover) chores number.¬† In the evening I went to depression group.¬† The Monday meetings (which I haven’t been going to for a while because of work commitments on Tuesday mornings) tend to have a speaker or theme for the first half.¬† Yesterday we were talking about hobbies and other ways that we distract from our mental health issues.¬† Lots of people shared some (very good) artwork, so I spoke about my blog and read part of a post out.¬† Although I had spent some time beforehand choosing a post, I didn’t really hit me until I read it how suicidal I sounded in the post; I think one person was quite worried about me.¬† A few people said it was very powerfully written and a couple of people asked for the URL to read it, so I may have picked up a few more readers.¬† I do feel a bit embarrassed thinking about it today.¬† I always get embarrassed when people congratulate me on my writing, plus I wonder if maybe I did pick a very negative post to read (it was the beginning of this post).

Today was split between¬†Pesach¬†preparations and writing a job application.¬† I was slow to get up and get going because I was feeling depressed, but I managed to do a few things in the afternoon.¬† I feel frustrated by not being able to do as much in a day as I used to be able to do because of the depression, although “used to be able” is now going back so far that it isn’t really helpful any more.¬† Plus, I think that even when I was younger I still got distracted.¬† It’s possible that I just set targets I could never reach or, as my Dad says, that I’m just bad at planning.¬† Someone from the therapy group I attended at The Network said she only puts one thing on her to do list each day now and, depressingly, I could see the appeal of that.¬† I usually try to do far more than I actually manage to do and end up making myself more depressed by failing to meet my plan.


I found out that I didn’t get the job I was interviewed for last week.¬† It was not surprising, given how long I have been waiting to hear and how badly I did at the interview.¬† I suppose I should just put it down to experience, but it reinforces my feelings about not being able to work.¬† Related to these fears, I spoke to someone from A S Mentoring today, an organisation that helps people with autism in the workplace.¬† They could potentially help me, but there is a quite steep charge for seeing them after a free trial meeting as well as a three month waiting list.¬† My Mum is in favour of going on the waiting list, while my father was more sceptical of whether they could help.¬† I’m not sure what to do.¬† It doesn’t help that I’m not sure what my support needs actually are.¬† A lot would depend on what job I end up in.¬† Some of my issues, like needing extra-long processing time when asked an open question, my difficulty changing tasks at short-notice or my preference for written instructions over verbal ones, would apply in many environments.¬† If I had an understanding boss, as I did in my last job, but not in an earlier one, that would make things easier.


I seem to be having disturbing dreams at the moment, perhaps because of my high anxiety levels.¬† A couple of nights ago was a Nineteen Eighty-Four dream which, perhaps fortunately, I didn’t really remember, I was just left with a vague impression of it.¬† Then last night I dreamt about terrorism, shootings and plane hijackings.¬† And Beatrix Potter’s¬†Jemima Puddle-Duck.¬† Don’t laugh, it really upset me as a child (when the dogs eat her eggs).

The Happiest Days of My Life

Shabbat¬†(Sabbath) dinner alone went OK.¬† I read¬†more of¬†The Complete Peanuts and was distracted by the craziness of the forthcoming Israeli general election in¬†The Jewish Chronicle, so I didn’t read much of¬†13 Minutes, which is less of a thriller than I thought from the blurb on the back and more of a teenage school story (I had a similar experience with¬†Turtles All the Way Down a few months ago).¬† I slept too long and missed¬†shul (synagogue) in the morning again and dozed off as well in the afternoon, which is frustrating.

Now I’m facing a busy and stressful week combined with my parents being away and am wondering how I will cope.¬† At least the hardest thing, the networking workshop, is over first.


On¬†Shabbat¬†in¬†shul (synagogue), I found myself reflecting about the values of my¬†shul against my own values.¬† We both value¬†prayer and¬†Torah¬†study (in both cases the¬†shul value both much more than I’m able to right now with my mental health issues).¬† But the¬†shul places value on quarantining oneself from the wider culture, to a greater or lesser extent, while I do not.¬† I think Jews can learn things from the best of other cultures, if we’re careful, and we can teach things too.¬† I wouldn’t want to be set up with someone like my¬†shul on a date, which is problematic as someone from¬†shul might try to set me up with someone one day… but as it’s never really happened before now (slightly, once), that’s not really much of a concern.¬† More pertinent is the fact that I don’t know how to find a¬†shul¬†that fits more of my values.¬† I would probably have to be earning a lot more money and be more emotionally stable and independent so I could move out of my parents house and to another area and even then I might not find one.


I found myself feeling glad that I have Judaism, and books, and¬†Doctor Who and other vintage science fiction/telefantasy to hold onto.¬† (Are they autistic special interests?¬† I’m not sure that they all are; I feel uncomfortable with the way some autistic people I know list all their hobbies as ‘special interests’ which I feel devalues the notion.¬† My interest in literature and even Judaism, important though they are, don’t seem as intense and self-soothing as my interest in Doctor Who and vintage telefantasy)¬† They give me a refuge and alternative ways of conceptualising the world.¬† A link to the past, something bigger and older than myself, somewhat bigger and older in the case of¬†Doctor Who, immeasurably bigger and older in the case of literature and Judaism.¬† I feel sorry for people who have nothing larger than themselves.¬† I suppose that’s why it’s so important to me to try to find friends/a partner who share¬†all of these interests, because they are so central to my sense of self.


I was feeling OK, but I suddenly felt quite depressed.¬† I don’t know if it’s apprehension about the week ahead, especially the networking workshop and coping without my parents, or if¬†13 Minutes is bringing up bad memories from school.¬† I would stop reading it, but I don’t like giving up on books, plus I want to know the reason behind the book’s central mystery, how Natasha Howland ended up drowning in the river in the middle of the night.¬† So much for trying new things.

My depression and autism make me feel that I won’t enjoying new things and they are sometimes right, but I’m not sure that they don’t sabotage things to prove themselves right.¬† When I was a child, my parents would push me to do social stuff saying, “Just try it once.”¬† Then, if I didn’t like it, they would press me to try it again on the grounds that the first time might be atypical.¬† I actually did more social stuff when I was very young (pre-teen), cubs, scouts, karate, but I’m not sure that I actually¬†enjoyed any of them and I certainly didn’t make friends through them.¬† Mostly I just pined for my mentor friend and felt unable to talk to other people or feel comfortable without him.¬† I don’t think I could express or even understand my ambivalent-going-on-negative feelings about these activities.¬† I just avoided doing things as much as possible.

When I was eleven and twelve I got invited to¬†bar and¬†bat mitzvah parties of people in my class at school.¬† I hated them, all noise and music and dancing and emergent adolescent sexuality (boys and girls were dancing together (they weren’t frum simchas), which I simply didn’t understand as I didn’t hit puberty for another year).¬† Although I knew everyone, I had few friends, especially as my mentor friend simply didn’t go on the grounds that he didn’t enjoy discos and his parents didn’t push him to go, whereas mine said that if I was invited, it was rude not to go.¬†¬†I used to hide in the toilets, which I thought was ruder than not going at all, but my parents disagreed.¬† I put it down to shyness, as did everyone else, but in retrospect the whole thing is an autistic deathtrap.¬† The funny thing is that I can’t remember consciously disliking the noise.¬† Trying to think back to it, I get a strong feeling of¬†get me out of here, but it’s hard to identify the cause and I can see why I and everyone else assumed it was just my shyness at work.¬† Even my own¬†bar mitzvah¬†was like everyone else’s, because no one told me I had the option of another way.¬† My parents would have allowed something else, but, I suspect that in the absence of being presented with other options, I couldn’t think of anything.¬† Or perhaps I had been offered other options, but didn’t really understand them because I hadn’t been to similar parties, or lacked the imagination and self-awareness to predict what I would like.¬† Anyway, at my own bar mitzvah, I went outside and played in the entrance hall with a friend for most of the evening.¬† I remember that at my sister’s¬†bat mitzvah my Mum got really angry with me for not standing with the rest of the family at the end of the evening; I think my issues was less noise and sensory overload there and more shyness and not wanting everyone staring at me.¬† At least these days my parents are more understanding of my mental health and neurodivergence, although I worry that I hide behind these things.¬† Then again, without them, maybe I wouldn’t want to hide.

I’m just struggling to do things today, to go for a walk and cook dinner.¬† I don’t exercise or cook as much as I used to, even when the depression was worse than it is now and I was still working more days per week.¬† I don’t know why this is the case.¬† I’m cooking red bean chilli because I’ve done it loads of times before.¬† I feel guilty that I’m not using the cookery book I got in the summer for my birthday.¬† ¬†I’ve only used it once, but I’ve hardly cooked anything since then and have mostly relied on known recipes.¬† I shouldn’t feel guilty about this, but I do.¬† I feel guilty about lots of things that aren’t my fault, and some that are.¬† I feel guilty that I burnt the onions again and that I probably damaged my Mum’s pot.¬† Actually, I probably should feel guilty about that.


Feeling like an anxious mess now.¬† I volunteered to help with something today; it took an hour, but I can’t do very much and that plus shopping plus cooking plus¬†Talmud study has eaten up my whole day, so I probably won’t be able to work on my books as I wanted.¬† I still plan to do too much each day, or at least each non-work day.¬† I don’t know how most people manage to live much busier lives than me; I’m barely functional.

I’m so anxious about tomorrow, coping with the networking workshop and getting to the theatre on time in the evening for the Jewish Book Week talk and then getting home in time to get some sleep before work on Tuesday.¬† I feel, probably somewhat arrogantly, that I ought to be giving talks at Jewish Book Week one day.¬† I don’t mean that I’m a gifted or insightful writer, merely (yet again) that I feel in some nebulous way that everyone expected me to be a “success”, whatever that means, that I got through school telling myself that once I left and was free of the bullies, once I got to university, I would be a success, and yet I am a miserable failure who can’t even cook dinner.¬† How can I even think of careers and relationships when I’m such a non-functional mess?¬† I do feel that if the kids who bullied me at school could see me now they’d die laughing.