Love is doing things you wouldn’t do by yourself because you know your significant other needs to do them.
I feel really wiped out today and I know some of it is end of the week autistic exhaustion, but I also know that some of it is dealing with the ongoing situation with E and my parents and knowing that Shabbat (the Sabbath) is the hardest day for that. No one is arguing, but I’m just trying to keep things running smoothly so E can do what she needs to do without upsetting my parents, which is not always easy for me. I don’t blame E for doing what she needs to do, as her AuDHD needs are real (even if undiagnosed). I choose to try and keep things calm at home for myself and my future as much as for her, which is my choice, but it’s emotionally tiring. And I do increasingly feel the difficulty of living with my parents with autism myself, as if I was OK as long as I didn’t know there was an alternative, but now I know there is one, it’s hard to live with it (Alexis de Tocqueville famously said this about oppressive regimes that try to reform and become more democratic: revolution is more likely after the shift to reform starts than before, because people realise what they’re missing).
It’s also hard when E’s response to stress and especially to stress living with my parents is to want to go out and distract herself with something fun, whereas my response is to want to stay in and crash and just relax. She went out without me today, which was good, and we agreed that in the future she would sometimes go out without me. We don’t have to do everything together. I got on with some stuff at home, but I still feel like I have a stack of stuff to do and can’t go out so often. I still want to choose wedding photos for our album (although I guess we need to do that together), set up freelance proofreading profiles and start working on my novel in earnest, which might help me de-stress. This is aside from general stuff E and I have to do together, like finish buying stuff for our new kitchen (the disadvantage of having a small wedding was that we didn’t get everything we want/need as presents). I do probably need to focus more on alone time, although I did that last night and went to bed very late, which didn’t help with tiredness. I also went to bed late from blogging, but that’s also a coping strategy with emotional stress, as blogging helps me process emotions that would otherwise be hidden from me due to alexithymia. Of course, internet procrastination didn’t help.
We do hope the flat move happens soon. We had the survey done yesterday, which is a start. The solicitor emailed us a copy of the email he sent to the seller’s solicitor. It looks like he’s started the legal searches, which is also good, but also that he’s politely angry with the seller’s solicitor for not sending everything she should send.
My hands are still badly chapped, which I’m pretty sure is a stress thing at this time of year. I also got a minor headache and felt nauseous. I listened to music to deal with autistic exhaustion, despite the Three Weeks of Jewish mourning normally forbidding it, otherwise I don’t know how I would have got dressed. I don’t know if this was fully justified, but, as we discussed on the call yesterday (see yesterday’s post), I need to find a functional equilibrium that works for me, even if it’s not 100% halakhically (by Jewish law) justified.
I think E and I are handling the situation about as well as we can. We are communicating, with each other and with my parents. We aren’t arguing or passive aggressive. But we really need to get to our own space. To be fair, things might get a little easier in a few weeks, when Shabbat isn’t quite so long. But it will be hard until we’re in our new flat.
I did a few things today: the usual pre-Shabbat chores, read reviews for noise-cancelling headphones, did a tiny bit of Torah study, wrote some important emails. But there seems so much more to do, which makes me feel overwhelmed.
E and I want to get to shul (synagogue) tomorrow, but neither of us really feels like it, me because I feel exhausted and burnt out, E because the home stress has distanced her from religion for now. We feel we should keep going if we’re to have any chance of ever building friendships there, but we also feel we’re too neurodivergent to ever build up friendships there. It’s hard. There are people I would normally talk to about this type of problem, but I feel people who aren’t autistic or ADHD just don’t get it. Not a criticism or complaint, I just find it impossible to explain in ways they can understand.
My rabbi mentor and his wife are staying near us this Shabbat, literally round the corner, so we’re hoping to see them, which might make this Shabbat a bit easier.
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I keep getting phoned from the Diesel Emissions Claim Centre or some such, offering to help me claim if I had a car that was showing false diesel emissions. I don’t drive. I’ve blocked the callers, but they all seem to come on different lines, from different cities in the UK. It’s very annoying and I don’t know what I can do about it. You would think they would get the message and pester someone else,, if only to avoid wasting their own time.
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Yesterday at work I came across the following job title: “Consumer Happiness Representative”. I would love to know what this job really is. Is it just a fancy name for sales rep? Or helpdesk person?
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WordPress gets worse. Now it’s replaced usernames with numbers in comments (probably a glitch, but annoying) and it’s showing me ads on my own blog.