I still feel that I’m wilting in the heat. It was hard to do anything again today. The weather is predicted to be in the thirties (Celsius) until Wednesday, getting hotter every day until Thursday, then cooler, but with thunderstorms for the rest of the week, so I don’t think I’ll be exercising much this week. I hope to go for a walk after dinner, if it’s a bit cooler than it is now.
I finished the job application I was writing. I don’t know why the trend seems to be to ask for character references for time spent unemployed. I could understand asking for character references if you’ve never worked, but I don’t know why they want character references for time between jobs. I gave my rabbi, but technically he’s only known me for two years. I feel it just draws attention to the fact that I’ve been out of work so much.
I found myself thinking about things I’ve done wrong at work, and job applications that I felt were not brilliant. Somehow I feel that I struggle to demonstrate that I’ve got particular skills or had particular experiences even when I have had them. There may be an autistic issue of looking at things a particular way and struggling to reframe my experiences to meet the demands of the application. Sometimes talking to my parents helps with this, but I feel bad for needing help with applications.
I’m also feeling depressed (not quite the right word, but down and frustrated) that the only women I’ve been able to build a relationship with are women who also have “issues.” That’s not a problem in itself, but it can create a situation where we both have issues and the relationship doesn’t work because of that. Although sometimes they can’t cope with my issues, while expecting me to cope with theirs, which is not fair.
I feel that I want to be in a serious relationship, one that could lead to marriage one day, but that isn’t rushing towards it in the short-term. Not involving sex (I’m not sure what I feel about hugging and hand holding), but close and emotionally connected. The problem is that in the frum (religious Jewish) world, this type of relationship doesn’t really exist. The focus is more on going out and deciding in the space of relatively few dates if you are right for each other and then getting married quickly. I doubt that I could cope with being married at the moment, especially if I would be expected to have children soon after, as I would be in the frum community. I want to have children some day, but I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that responsibility, emotionally or financially. That’s another reason not to marry, as from a halakhic (Jewish legal) point of view, using birth control indefinitely without having any children is problematic.
I don’t really want to date non-religious women, because, for all my problems with the frum world, I can’t see my life being compatible with someone who doesn’t keep the basics, and I doubt a non-religious woman would want a long-term non-physical relationship. I suppose in the more Modern Orthodox world I might find someone who wanted a slower-moving relationship, although even there the trend seems to be going towards faster dating, but I suspect by the time they get to my age, most of those women are looking to marry and have children too. Anyway, I don’t know how to meet such a person. Maybe on JDate, but online dating hasn’t always worked out well for me.
The idea that “dating is for marriage (and happens very quickly)” is so pervasive in the frum world that I feel guilty for even thinking that I want to date towards marriage, but slower than most. It feels almost as if I wanted to be promiscuous, which must sound strange to outsiders. That said, you might be surprised how many frum women I’ve met who are not sure if they want children, or are certain that they don’t. So clearly there are other people who don’t fit the mould.
Of course, I can’t see many women wanting much to do with a man with poor employment prospects, depression, social anxiety and autism, so maybe all this is a pointless train of thought anyway.
The reverse side of this is that the thought of being in a relationship again makes me feel nervous as well as excited. Being with someone who was right for me, at a time when I was ready for a relationship and children sounds good, but getting there seems impossible with all my issues and baggage, not to mention the whole process of dating different women, being rejected, having misunderstandings and arguments (actually, I haven’t had arguments, but I’m afraid I would), making myself vulnerable and getting hurt again… The end is good if you can get there, but the journey seems impossible, at least for someone like me, with issues and a fragile sense of self-esteem (a fragile sense of self in general, really).
I have ended up having close platonic friendships with women over the years, often not frum or not Jewish, which I guess was a kind of substitute for a romantic relationship. Most of those women I would have been open to dating if the situation had been different or if they had been interested. Those friendships increasingly ended badly, most recently in E. and I becoming boyfriend/girlfriend and then breaking up, so I’m scared to do that any more. I do worry about being alone forever, about not being able to talk to anyone. I crave intimacy (I mean emotional intimacy more than physical, although there is an element of that), but it is elusive.
I’m not even sure if anything I’ve written in the last two sections makes sense, or if it all cancels itself out somehow.
I feel like I’m stuck in a never ending loop: living in lockdown, applying for jobs I don’t get, writing books no one reads, getting crushes that never go anywhere… I’m aware that that’s not really accurate. I’ve only written one book, I’m still working on the second. I do get crushes that don’t go anywhere, but that’s over a much bigger timescale than just lockdown. Shielding Mum in lockdown is hard, but hopefully that will get a bit easier in a month or so, after her operation, although I think I’ll be nervous about going into shops for a while longer, let alone going to shul (synagogue).
All that said, I wish there was some clearer sign that things can work out well for me, with career, writing and dating, and over a reasonable timescale too. I don’t want to suddenly build a career and find love in my eighties (although I suppose it would be better than nothing). I just worry I’ll never find even the small amount of happiness and fulfilment that most people manage to find.
Achievements today: not much. I finished the job application, did about three quarters of an hour of Torah study and read paprt of a book on writing. I bought books on writing when I had writers’ block a couple of months ago. I’m torn between thinking that writing can’t be taught and I’m just going to confuse myself and stifle my creativity by reading about it and thinking that writing is a skill like anything else and saying that one shouldn’t formally learn it is like saying Yehudi Menuhin should have just picked up the violin and been perfect without lessons.
I’ve been listening to Sparks lately. Sparks are a band who formed in the sixties and are still going, formed from brothers Ron and Russell Mael. They aren’t hugely famous. They are American, but were more popular in the UK than the US. Their most famous song is This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us. To be honest, they can be a bit hit and miss and are something of an acquired taste, but their best songs are eccentric and quirky, with clever lyrics. I find a lot of the songs have resonance for me. Sherlock Holmes is about wanting to be someone you aren’t. The Existential Threat is about anxiety. Amateur Hour and When I’m With You are about insecurity in different ways. Edith Piaf (Said it Better than Me) is about someone who has no regrets, because he has never done anything exciting. And, to be honest, I suspect other people have thought I Wish You Were Fun about me behind my back.