I had a rather lonely Shabbat (Sabbath). Meals with my family were good and we played Rummikub after seudah shlishit (the third Sabbath meal) today (I lost), but the rest of the time I was in my room and in my head too much. I was feeling a lot that I’m never going to be well enough and able to work enough to be financially self-supporting, which will mean that I’m never going to be able to date again. I ended up wallowing a lot in my despair. I know it’s not healthy to keep “proving” to myself all the reasons no one would want to marry me, or all the reasons why I wouldn’t even get another date, but it’s hard to stop when I’m in this sort of mood.
I wallowed in these thoughts last night and a bit again this afternoon. I didn’t go for a walk, partly because I didn’t want to be stuck inside my head when I did that. I did try a grounding technique I recently heard about that was partially successful, but it’s hard to remember that I can do things like that when I feel depressed or anxious. Other than that, I read and did some Torah study, not as much as I would have liked of either because I slept for three hours this afternoon (very bad, but one way of shutting my thoughts off). I did reach (in Hebrew) Tehillim/Psalms 100, two thirds of the way through the book, which was good, although I can’t remember how long it’s taken me to get this far.
Other than that, I didn’t do much apart from try not to get annoyed at the illegal minyan next door, which is showing worrying signs of permanence. My Mum spoke to her rabbi about it; he has promised to try to speak to our neighbour’s rabbi and see if he can stop them, but I’m not hopeful. She’s also thinking of putting a note through the door asking them to be quieter because she’s having chemo, but I’m not hopeful about that either; Hasidim are notorious for davening (praying) loudly.
A weird thing I noticed while wallowing in loneliness: of my two successful relationships, both started with a written-based relationship. I met my first girlfriend on JDate. She wasn’t in London much for the first couple of months that we dated, so our relationship started on email and then moved to text messages with only one physical date. We wrote a lot of long emails before we even met. Then my relationship with E. started via email. She read my blog and emailed via my blog contact page and we emailed as friends for some time before she said she was interested in dating.
I’m a lot more fluent and less anxious in writing than in person and I suspect that helped me present as someone date-able and reasonably “normal.” That doesn’t seem a positive trait to have, as text-based dating is not a normal way of dating in the frum (religious Orthodox Jewish) world where people are set up by friends or shadchanim (matchmakers) and initially communicate through those people rather than directly. There are frum dating sites, but my experience on those lately has not been as good as when I met my first girlfriend. Last time I was on one, I paid a lot in subscriptions without getting many responses to my emails, and no dates at all.
(EDIT: just remembered that a couple of years ago I dated someone that looked quite serious, but never got to “formal” boyfriend/girlfriend relationship stage, but that involved a lot of texting too as she was working in the USA for a chunk of the not-quite-relationship.)
A bird flew into the room while we were eating seudah. I’m rather ashamed to say that my parents chased it out. I froze. I’m not exactly phobic of birds, but I don’t like close contact with them either. I guess it’s a fear of them flying at my face (or defecating on me, which is a slightly different fear). I feel bad that I fail at so many tasks that young men are supposed to be able to do. Not that I’m particularly young any more.