I’m feeling quite depressed and overwhelmed today.  I have the feeling that I get when very depressed, that my brain has been removed and replaced with cotton wool.  I’m not sure how else to describe it.

I feel a bit anxious and catastrophising about dating, but more confused than anything.  But I’m reluctant to talk too much about that here either.  I don’t mind talking about my feelings about dating and relationships when I’m not seeing anyone, but somehow it seems wrong to do it when I’m actually dating.

I found another job to apply for, but I’m just feeling too depressed right now to tackle the application, especially as I’m not sure that I really have the skills they want.  I’m also feeling overwhelmed by things at home, both the long list of chores and other things that need doing as well as by the piles of unread books and graphic novels I want to get through.  I’m not reading a lot at the moment, thanks to a mixture of depressive poor concentration and motivation.  Unemployment also plays a part, as I read most while commuting, although in the last few months depression has reduced that too and sometimes I sit listening to music or just staring into space feeling anxious, depressed and/or exhausted.

I didn’t want to waste the day, so I worked on my Doctor Who book, passing up watching Blake’s 7 in favour of redrafting/editing the longest chapter and trimming about a thousand words.  I still worry that the book is over-length and doesn’t say enough new things.  I would like to send out copies of some chapters to friends to see what they think, but of the friends who I might send it to, two are thoroughly over-worked at the moment and another two are in the midst of a major family trauma, so I don’t like to ask any of them.  Another one is probably overworked, but I haven’t seen him for a number of years (although we have emailed a little) so asking for help out of the blue seems a bit much.  He’s a rabbi, so he’s probably over-worked too.  Pretty much all congregational rabbis are.

Of course, then I feel the pressure of having to watch Jodie Whittaker’s episodes again and write an analysis of them.  I know I will enjoy doing that, but I had been planning to spend a few weeks watching Blake’s 7 so it feels like something external disrupting my schedule.  I suppose there isn’t really a hurry, as the third draft is going much faster than I predicted, it’s just that the autistic part of me hates my plans being disrupted.  Still, it’s pretty obvious from this (by “this” I mean from not being able to job hunt or really feel like doing anything, but still being able to redraft and enjoy it on some level and even to pass up vegetating in front of the TV to do it) that I should be trying to find more ways to get paid for my writing as it’s the only thing in my life that I feel even vaguely good about.

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2 thoughts on “Mental Health Day

  1. Sorry that the gloom has descended upon you. Depression is such a miserable illness. 😦 What kinds of things are you reading? I’d love to view your reading list. It sounds like you devour books quite quickly. As far as writing about the woman you’re dating, I think that one of the benefits of an anonymous blog is that you are keeping things safe, and it’s both cathartic as well as a way to share your feelings anonymously with people who care but don’t know you personally. You can always give her a pseudonym, too.

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  2. I am reading The Night Manager by John le Carre, also some Doctor Who graphic novels and magazines/fanzines. Also re-reading Arthur Green’s biography of Rabbi Nachman of Bratzlav and some other Jewish stuff (Bible, Mishnah etc.). I do actually have a Goodreads account which I keep up to date with my purchases and reading, but it’s in my real name so I can’t link here.

    I am finding Le Carre frustrating as some of his books are excellent, but others are just dull and uninteresting and it’s hard to work out why. I think his Cold War books are much better than the others. I realised the other day that he’s actually not such a good spy writer. A lot of his best work is about bureaucrats who happen to be spies. He’s good on institutional politics, poor on action. In The Honourable Schoolboy there’s a sequence that goes on for about twenty pages of people discussing whether a mission can go ahead, discussing the political and financial context, and so on. And it’s riveting. But when he focuses on the spies on the ground, it becomes dull somehow. Apart from George Smiley, too many of his heroes are overgrown children.

    I feel bad about speaking behind someone’s back even if it is anonymous. And I worry that she might find it one day.

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