Bureaucracy! is never defeated, merely subdued temporarily. Today I got a letter from the Department of Work and Pensions (DWP) saying that my medical certificate has expired and I need a new one. If I want to keep receiving benefits (which I have not received at all yet) I am to send them the new one by 28 February i.e. three days before this letter arrived. I am not entirely sure what I am supposed to do, given that the medical certificate I had before was apparently not a proper medical certificate. I wish they didn’t have to make things so difficult for people who are already struggling with life. This is one reason why I’ve become so sceptical of people who think that the state can and should take on so responsibility for so many aspects of life, because I don’t think it’s managing with what it’s got already.
Mum had a tube put in her arm today under local anaesthetic to prepare for her chemo later in the week. Perhaps because of this, I suddenly felt really depressed this afternoon. I think it’s a mixture of worrying about her and worrying about myself (whether I’ll ever get another job and what will become of me and E.). My Dad has had a backache for two weeks now. It’s not dangerous, but it’s left him in a lot of pain. Both my parents being ill at the same time has just reinforced the “facing my parents’ mortality” thoughts and everything that entails, in terms of worrying about them dying and worrying about how I would cope without them (emotionally and materially, given that I can’t currently support myself). I felt bad that Mum sorted out dinner as I was doing a job application, which had only taken so long because of depressive oversleeping and procrastination. Then we heard that the son of my parents’ friends (who is younger than me), who has been fighting leukemia for years and years, is not doing well in his current battle, which just made me feel more depressed and morbid.
I spent about an hour and a half on the job application (including procrastination time, sadly). I filled in all the basic “name, address, education, previous jobs” stuff, but I still need to write the actual “why I would be good at this job” bit tomorrow.
I tried to work on my novel for about half an hour. I procrastinated a lot, but wrote about 350 words. I realise that my mind is working while I’m procrastinating and there’s no real point beating myself up about not concentrating (within limits). Unfortunately after about thirty minutes, I realised I was getting tired and the quality of my writing was deteriorating, so I gave up.
I spent ten or fifteen minutes revising Saturday’s Talmud shiur (class). I didn’t understand it much better this time around. I spent nearly another thirty minutes on other Torah study.
Other than that, I went to the doctor’s surgery to ask about getting a new medical certificate (which is a twenty minute walk each way, plus a lot of time waiting in the queue at the surgery). While walking, I listened to a podcast that E. suggested I listen to about sexuality intended for religious Orthodox Jews. I listened to the first podcast in the series and will probably listen to some of the others. I wish I could have heard it years ago, as it probably would have helped me not internalise some of the guilt that I’ve internalised about my sexuality.
The post title was intended to refer to bureaucracy, although I suppose it could apply to me. I’m not sure what I feel about that.